loss of child

[frankielamb]

How do I help her.
My best friend has just had a little boy sadly he has passed away. I am so devasteted I cant begin to know how she feels and dont know how to help any advice please.

[FrightAttendant]

Oh my, I'm so sorry. There are people on here who can advise you. just wait a while, I'll bump for you x

[elescarybells]

bumping for you too

im so sorry,

[hazygirl]

just be there for her, i know when our grandson died people avoided us like the plaque,especially those with kids, i remember a friend rushing away with her baby so i couldnt see her,ffs i wanted our baby back and werent about to run away with hers,god it hurt,nights were the hardest to deal with,its lovely that you are here for your friendxx

[frankielamb]

Thankyou. she is out of hospital but still has to regiser the birth and death and then theres the funeral. I just want to support them both.

[madamez]

There is a lovely poem called 'snowdrop' which can be found online (sorry I don't have a link but try googling 'bereavement snowdrop poem'). Sorry for your friend's loss.

[DrNortherner]

So sorry to hear this. For a start I guess it's great she has you as a friend who will be there for her.

[Lupins71]

As all the other posters are saying just be there for her - we lost our little boy at 29wks and it was an awful thing to go through - but what makes it worse is thant people arent sure that you want to talk about what you have been through - truth is your friend has still just had a baby, her milk will still come in, she will still get afterpains and feel like crap, but she has nothing to show for it, try not to avoid talking to her about it even if it does seem easier to avoid it

[manitz]

send her flowers or chocs and go and see her. lots of friends just texted to ask me how i was or sayign they were free if i wanted to talk. I wanted to talk about the birth and acknowledge I'd had a child. I liked getting cards and flowers.

[frankielamb]

Thank you all for your advice I will look at website (justjules)and try to find poem as I have been looking for verses etc incase she needs something. My friend had had 2mc before this pregnancy, so it seams even more tragic.
I am going to see her tomorrow so will take all your advice with me.

[frankielamb]

Thankyou myjobismum this has helped. unfortunately he only lasted a few hours so I didnt get to see him, but i belive she has photos. I hope to we will be able to laugh, cry etc together.

[Habbibu]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry for your friend, and for you. The following dos and don'ts list is really popular with people on SANDS, so I thought I'd copy it here:

DO?S AND DON?TS

DO acknowledge our loss.

DO realize that our loss is real and our grief and healing process will be painful and take time.

DO offer a tear, hug or sign of love and concern.

DO attend the memorial service or help me arrange one.

DO understand that we ARE grieving the loss of a loved one and we need your love and support.

DO say, ?I am sorry about your loss?
?I know this is a hard time for you?
?I would like to help?
?Please tell me what I can do?
?Can I bring dinner over?
?I feel sad?
?I am here if you want to talk about it?

DO make a donation in memory of the baby.

DO bring a book or suggest a web site that might offer some comfort and/or understanding.

DO discuss other topics, since life must go on. However, be prepared that we will probable look at all other life issues light of our loss. Our loss will constantly be on our minds.

DO call a month later (parents never forget)

DO remember the anniversary date with cards and/or flowers.

DO try and educate yourself on what we may be going through ? it will help ease your discomfort on the subject as well.

DO NOT ignore our loss.

DO NOT be afraid to offer you love and support.

DO NOT be surprised if we accept your love and support.

DO NOT overlook my husband?s grief ? he lost his child too.

DO NOT say any of these insensitive remarks:

• ?Anything that starts with at least??
  
• ?It was for the best?
  
• ?Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise?
  
• ?It was God?s will?
  
• ?It must have been deformed or abnormal?
  
• ?Forget it, put it behind you?, ? Move on ?
  
• ?Thank goodness you didn?t have a chance to get to know him/her?
  
• ?Better now than later?
  
• ?You can always have another baby?
  
• ?You have other children?
  
• ?You?ll get over it??
  
  DO NOT change the subject when we talk about our loss ? be our friends and listen.
  
  DO NOT refer to our children as ?fetal tissue?, products of conception, embryo, or fetus.
  
  DO NOT try to protect us from the pain of coming home empty-handed by removing baby items from our home. Although we are sure you are well intentioned, it will help us grieve if we do it ourselves at our own pace.

[xyzabc]

habbibu;
that post was brilliant. i wish id had you around when i m/c at 20 weeks.

[xyzabc]

frankielamb; so sorry for your best friend.
just be there for her.

[Habbibu]

Not mine, I'm afraid - it was floating round on SANDS before we moved to the new forum, and I remembered it and hunted it down.

frankielamb - you can register on SANDS yourself, you know - there's a special board for friends, and lots of people there who will give advice. www.sandsforum.org

Have to say that I HATED getting
flowers - don't know why, but I was so so so angry with the world when my baby died. But many people love that. Just keep in touch, gently, frankielamb. My best friend was bloody wonderful - she just wrote me letters every so often, and sent nice little things in the post, and always talks about my baby by name.

xyzabc - hugs to you and I'm so sorry you lost your little one.

[frankielamb]

Thankyou all I will definately check out SANDS site. Each thing is another step next we have funeral to come some time.