Feeling down and to cap it all I'm being a crap mummy at the moment

[Rachel1963]

Hi there, I've had a missed miscarriage and am booked in for an ERPC on Friday. The mc was spotted on a scan last Tuesday and I more or less held things together for the first few days as we had a party on Saturday so I distracted myself with thinking about that. But since Sunday I've been struggling, not helped by the fact that I'm still feeling REALLY sick and tired, and that I think DH doesn't fully understand how much of a failure I feel (it's my 3rd mc and 2nd in 12 weeks). But what makes me feel really bad is that DS hasn't been very well the last few days and has been whiny and clingy - on Sunday I snapped and shouted at him then had to go upstairs in tears while DH looked reproachfully at me.

I'm not looking forward to the ERPC, particularly the thought of having a general anaesthetic, but I'm hoping that once it's done I'll be able to think about moving forward. But I also need to start thinking about, and dealing with, the possibility that we aren't going to have our very much wanted 2nd child due to my age (44). And that's something that makes me want to crawl into a hole and howl.

I feel so guilty about being horrid to DS but I feel I need some time on my own and I don't see when or how I'm going to get it. Has anyone had counselling and found it useful? Or does that sort of thing come as part of the package with the recurrent miscarriage clinic?

Sorry to whine, but I know there will be people here who understand how I'm feeling and I don't really have anyone like that in RL.

Rachel x

[MissesF]

just wanted to say i read your post and just had to at least bump this up for you....as i am lucky enough to have never had to go through anything like you are.I cannot offer any practical advice.

so...only helpful advice i CAN offer is to definitely seek support/counselling etc which should help your general mood levels..you sound very depressed to me and that is something I am very familiar with.

take care.

[jtsmum]

Just lost what would have been number 3 at 7 weeks. I am not being the best mum in the world either. I hope our children will not remember if we are mostly good to them. It's crappy that life keeps rolling on and we have to turn up to things and smile. Especially when quite a lot of people imply that you shouldn't be upset if you already have children... so now I feel guilty as well as crappy. Feel better, Rachel. You are definitely not on your own. Vicky x

[whomovedmychocolate]

Oh how horrible for you! Look, don't worry that for one day or even a few days you haven't been the perfect mother - no-one is and your DS will be aware that you are sad and will not hold it against you.

I found a book called Miscarriage: the good news, really helpful (shit title though!) If you like, I can send you my copy, it might make you feel a bit better?

I didn't have counselling but did talk about it extensively to DH and also to a friend and found that helped but really I didn't grieve properly until I was pregnant again (with our first DD who is now ten months), it sort of comes in waves and you think you are are over it and then it comes back.

Well, as you know if you are on your third one - I only had one.

Are they investigating the cause since you are now clinically considered to be suffering from 'multiple miscarriages'? They normally only offer treatment on the NHS when you have had three. My friend is going through some sort of hormone treatment (sorry I don't know the full details and she doesn't like to discuss it) at a london hospital for her fourth attempt at pregnancy.

[berolina]

I'm very sorry. I have had 3 mcs too, 2 of them within 2 cycles. Have also had two ERPCs and honestly, it's not that bad. It is a light anaesthetic and over very quickly - I assume that particularly for a missed mc (one of mine was a blighted ovum) it is possibly preferable to expectant management, in terms of waiting, pain, trauma, volume of bleeding.

I'm 30, btw - it might not be your age. You seem to be conceiving, so that is hopeful. (I am also 36 weeks pg again).

Don't feel bad about snapping at ds. It can happen at the best of times. Can you sit your dh down and explain to him how hard it is hitting you, and see whether he could look after ds for a day at the weekend while you maybe go off somewhere where you can be peacefully alone, say goodbye to the baby?

Counselling is rarely a bad idea in this sort of situation, although I haven't had any for mcs. Don't quote me, but I think RMCs don't offer series of counselling sessions, although they certainly have counsellors on hand.

[wrinklytum]

Hugs.

Your reaction is normal.

You are human.You are not a bad mum.You need time to grieve.

xxxx

[kindersurprise]

Don't be so hard on yourself, you are going through a difficult time. Your DS will not remember you shouting at him, he is probably picking up on your sadness and that is making him act up.

The ERPC is, as Berolina said, not too nasty, it is the trauma of losing the baby that is worse. For me it is definately preferable to get it over with sooner rather than later.

I did not get counselling, but it might be good for you to talk it over with someone, especially if you do not have anyone to talk to.

You do need time to grieve, perhaps your DH can take DS out for a few hours at the weekend?

Please don't feel like a failure, it is not you that is at fault. There is nothing you could have done to preserve this pregnancy. I miscarried after a week of bedrest (only getting up for the loo) and was taking hormones etc. It made no difference. I truly believe that if the pregnancy is not viable, then there is nothing you can do to stop a miscarriage, nothing.

Take care of yourself

[Renaissancewoman]

Hi there.

I hope what I say might help you, I don't really think it will, or that what you say might help me?

I'm so sorry that things didn't work out for you, I hope things work out better for you in the future. You have really suffered tremendously recently and there is so much for you to contemplate about yours and your family's future. Take time for yourself and look into counselling. Crawl into a hole and scream and howl and do not apologise for it.

I know of so many women of all ages who struggle with so many different problems to have the family they desire. They all get there in the end - sometimes unsuccessfully but at peace with the situation. I know one woman who had 2 kids with some problems in pregnancy and m/cs along the way then had many m/cs when trying for a 3rd. She went through umpteen cycles of IVF at huge cost, putting the most amazing strain on her marriage and family. After far too long she was told as told that she could conceive but was never going carry a baby to term. She tried to deal with this but just could not accept that she was not going to have a 3rd child. She went on..looked into adoption.. found a surrogate who carried a child from her egg and husband's sperm. This is a while ago now and her family is doing great. I know another woman who in her 50s laments that she will never be a mother. She wrote a book about it and based it on women in her situation. I think women in particular have an amazing strength to deal with adversity. I am rambling, I really wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, truth is no-one can do this.

I found out today that my baby is not to be at 12 wks +2. I am booked in for ERPC on Tuesday. My experience is different to yours. I have 2 kids already and have been blessed with problem free pregnancies. For various reasons (inc DH been seriously ill this year and having 6 months off work, disastrous 3 year building project just completed and me feeling pretty overwealmed by life stuff right now) I think I will be OK about this unplanned pregnancy not working out.

I am going in for ERPC on Tuesday and am terrified. I have never had an operation. I had 2 natural and intervention free births and am so uneasy about being unconcious while someone goes in and does stuff in my womb especially as I do want another child a some stage. I think my fear is made worse by the fact I am a lawyer so am aware of surgeons messing up and I do not really trust medics in general and probably have problems relinquishing control...

Yet it looks like my body will take a while to deal with this naturally and I have got a DD age 4 and a half and DS age 18m to think of so know it is better that I get this surgically resolved rather than waiting for nature to finish her cruel business...

Was the procedure itself OK? HOw you doing now?

[Rachel1963]

Thank you so much for all your messages. I think I'm doing OK, with the obvious proviso that emotionally I'm a bit up and down and find myself getting tearful at odd times and at the most unexpected things. The ERPC really wasn't that bad and I've not suffered physically from any after effects - no pain and precious little bleeding - so, as Berolina says, probably preferable to having all the pain of a natural mc. Renaissancewoman - I was worried about the potential complications of an ERPC but my brother's an obstetrician and he really put my mind at rest about it, I'm sure you'll be fine.

DS is doing fine and in the endlessly forgiving way of children seems to have forgotten my snappiness. I don't work on Fridays so I took him to Godstone Farm today and we had a lovely time though he was more interested in the slides than the animals

[Renaissancewoman]

Thanks Rachel.

I only started looking at this site for the first time yesterday, I didn't know then but think I had an inkling that something wasn't right.

Reading what others have said about miscarriage is so helpful.

Good luck.

[scully]

I'm assuming an ERPC is the same as a d&c? If so, I had this on Friday, after finding out on Thursday that I wasn't 12wks+2. Mine was a blighted ovum, so my body thought I was pregnant but the sac was empty, as I could clearly see on the scan. The procedure was ok, not my first time under general anesthetic. It was over quickly and the hospital staff were all lovely. Thought I was doing ok but have got very upset this afternoon after finding out a good friend is also due the same week I would have been. So have poured myself a glass of wine.....
This would have been our third child, and I did feel very lucky to be going home after the procedure, to two healthy children. But having had problem free pregnancies with the, this is a shock to the system, especially having reached 12wks and thinking we were ok.
Our dd's didn't know about the pregnancy, so they just think I had a sore tummy last week, but it is hard to have any time to yourself to grieve or deal with emotions when they come to the surface. Not a great reaction but I don't think they will remember us getting shouty on the odd occassion.....

[Renaissancewoman]

Thanks Scully.
I think D&C and ERPC almost same thing.
The evening after posting that messgae I got myself into a right state about dying from the anaestetist messing up or else the surgeon pulling out my womb by mistake. I looked on internet to find out if women had died from this (obviously found nothing apart from general things about women dying in childbirth in the third world). You should have seen all the riders I put on the consent form I signed at the hospital, I do not consent to a hysterectomy etc etc. The very young doctor was very good natured about it.

I didn't know what to do and started to look at alternatives and contacted a private hospital. Long and short of it is met typical nice older bloke, Consultant Gynocologist. Very posh, knowledgable, thorough and reassuring. Gots lots of extra tlc and went for it and had procedure. Felt embarrassed afterwards for making such a fuss. It will cost me £100 excess on insurance policy that my husband's employers provide.

Feel a bit funny now as all symptoms of pregnancy and miscarriage have suddenly stopped. My head feels a bit funny as I had got used to the idea of being pregnant, it was unplanned and a complete surprise. I was about to set up a business a personal trainer and had adjusted to puttingthat on hold for at least another year (its been on hold for about 3 so far!) And I went through 6 weeks of feeling dreadful with sickness etc. And now life is as it was. All very strange. Feel like I need to make adjustment again to not being pregnant for the next 6 months and will not be having a baby in late FEb.

After having had such an easy run with last 2 pregnancies, we had told a few people even though hadn't had scan and wish we hadn't now, don't want people trying to comfort me and feeling sorry for me. We had told my daughter too as felt I needed to explain why I was feeling so sick. Luckily I told her I thought there was a baby in my tummy but I wouldn't know until we went for a scan. Then told her that we went for the scan and no baby there - silly Mummy made a mistake, all doctor could see was lots of eggs but no babies! She was cool about this but is bound to mention it to people. She said why were you so grumpy then, you must have been tired! I've booked her into an intensive swimming course during next 2 weeks of the holiday and had planned to swim with her every day to get her off by herself and feel very disappointed that I can't go in the water with her. Still this is all so minor compared to what most go through.

DH has taken both the kids out to swimming and lunch, I was supposed to go with them but stormed home in a huff. Now feeling very wobbly and hope they come back soon.

[scully]

I think we're going to feel wobbly for a while. I wasn't expecting to feel so upset by hearing my friend is due the same week as me, but I was upset for hours on Sunday. dd2 is oblivious but dd1 I'm trying hard for her not to see me upset, when she has no idea why and it will just worry her. I know exactly what you mean, I had also just got used to the idea of being pregnant and having an idea of what we would be doing between now and late Feb and now none of that matters anymore. It will be a week tomorrow since this all started and I don't feel pregnant anymore, your body adjusts quickly but your head doesn't. Do you think you will try again?

[Renaissancewoman]

I definitely want a third baby, secretly would like 4 but no way I'd get that past DH and feel like I'm getting on...

We have had pretty tough time the last couple of years, had a building project go wrong at huge cost and its taken up about 3 years of my life. My husband was seriously ill earlier this year and we didn't know whether he would be able to work again. He's going back later this month so all is looking much better now. This unplanned pregnancy knocked us for six initially but I'd got my head round the poor timing and had planned it all. Now I think I'll go back to my original plan of seeing that my husband is OK for next 6 months, get myself working again and then try for a baby in the New Year.

I feel confident that it will happen for us given that all has gone well with conception/pregnancy before this. At the hospital they offered me the chance to have lots of tests done to try and find a cause for the miscarriage. But I said no, I just prefer to think that it was just one of those things, something wrong with the sperm or the egg on this occasion but no general cause for worry. But I imagine I will not be so self-assured next time and will worry a lot - something I've not done before.

How about you, was this one planned, how old are your others, try again, if so when??

[scully]

Yep, I think we will try again. Only thing at the back of my mind is my age (37 next month). dd1 is 5 and dd2 20mths, they didn't know, thank goodness, dd1 would not have coped well with the news as she regularly talks about another sibling. This was a planned pregnancy, as we had moved back to Australia last Oct after 11yrs in the UK, and had got ourselves settled and in a good place to start thinking about no3.
It's a week today since the scan confirmed the news, feels like a lot more time has passed.
I had started a new job last week (only 15hrs a week so I'm not too rushed off my feet) so between that and looking for a house to buy, I'm managing to keep myself busy