My dad (step dad) died on Friday. He was sick for a very long time. He was diagnosed with parkinsono disease 8 years ago but was diagnosed with cancer in Jan this year. He was so brave and fought and fought but died. He was so scared of dying. Me my mum and my brother were with him at the end and told him how much we loved him. I hope he heard us. He was so frustrated in his last days. He was trying to talk to us but we couldn't understand him. I also have feelings of such guilt because in his last months I felt I sometimes avoided seeing him as there were lots of issues relating to his illness that he was angry about and he only ever spoke about that. I avoided spending as much time as I could have had with him because I found after I was not sleeping and getting very down about things. I feel incredibly selfish now. I did see him most days when he was home but feel that I was not there for him as much as I could have been. Also there were issues at work. A colleague took lots of time off knowing I would have to cover her job which made visiting him very difficult when he was in hospital. I am now anxious about going back to work as the anger I have towards this colleague seems to be taking over my life. I just miss my dad so much. I'm dreading his funeral because I know afterwards I will be expected to just carry on but I just want him back he was the best dad and grandad. I feel so sad that my ds's who he adored and who adored him too will never see him again and he will never see how they will turn out. I'm scared of how lonely my mum will feel. I'm sorry for the ramble. I also don't feel like I'm grieving properly. When I cry I feel like I'm forcing it a bit but at the same time feel such sadness and loss. If I look at his picture my heart aches. I keep looking at videos of him and it's so hard to believe he's not here anymore. I don't know what to do. I just want to wake up and for this to have been a bad dream. Sorry about the long post I'm all over the place.
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