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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My mum died this morning and I'm struggling with my thoughts.

15 replies

Nicknacky · 10/10/2016 23:25

She had lung cancer which developed into secondary brain cancer and passed away just over a year from the first diagnosis.

I'm struggling with my thoughts. Was she aware of her surroundings but unable to communicate? Was she trying to but her body wouldn't let her?

She knew I loved her because I told her on Saturday and she squeezed my hands and she reacted to my kids being there. But I'm devastated that she may have been trying to talk but not able to.

Did she know in the later stages she was dying? Did she feel herself slipping away?

No one can obviously answer this. I wasn't a good enough daughter and she frustrated me sometimes and I wish I had been more tolerant. I stopped working about five weeks ago to help care for her so in hoping that would have helped her realise how much she meant to me.

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OhTallulah · 10/10/2016 23:30

Bless you, she knew you loved her and you did as much as you possibly could.
Were you with her when she died? I was with my Mum, it was awful and a relief all at the same time, I had similar thoughts about was she trying to speak to me but couldn't, we'll never know but be sure she knew you loved her as she loved you.

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MsMims · 10/10/2016 23:34

I'm so sorry.

I can't answer your questions, but I know your mum wouldn't want you to be feeling so anguished. Try to treat yourself as kindly as she would. You did your absolute best, I'm sure she knew that.

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Nicknacky · 10/10/2016 23:36

Thanks Ohtallulah, I'm sorry about your mum. Sounds strange but I had a strong feeling she would go today and even checked the date yesterday so I knew what date she would pass on. I was with her until 11.30pm and the district nurses came out and thought she would make it through the night so I ignored my instinct and went home to get sleep to prepare for today.

As I walked up the stairs at 1am to go to bed I had a crushing pain in my chest but fell asleep until dad phoned just over an hour later. But her actual passing was so quick that I would have missed it if I had been asleep in the house.

Part of me hopes she waited until my sister and I had left then passed away.

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LineyReborn · 10/10/2016 23:36

I wonder that about my dad, too. But I believe that yes, they simply slip away and yes they know they were loved if you have told them. I think that the universe envelops us, comes back to claim us, and we start again as atoms in this amazing cosmos. That sounds trite I expect, but I find comfort in it.

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smilingeyes11 · 10/10/2016 23:38

I am so very sorry for your loss. You certainly were a good enough daughter and all mothers frustrate their children - I think that is part and parcel of motherhood.

I lost my Mum with the same diagnosis - I am sure your Mum knew you were there for her and I am positive she knew how very much she was loved.

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Thejubremonyatthelibrary · 10/10/2016 23:39

I'm so sorry for your loss. She'll stay with you in memories, and will always watch over you. I'm literally shedding a tear for you and I hope you get through this tough time with lots of love around you.

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Nicknacky · 10/10/2016 23:41

Thanks everyone, your kind words have started the tears again but that's no bad thing.

She was only 62. We all managed a holiday to Florida in May, it was her favourite place and I'm so so glad we got there. It was a struggle with her prognosis!

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OhTallulah · 10/10/2016 23:53

62 is just no age is it?
It's not fair, I'm glad you've got lots of great memories from this year too.
Cry away, I did for what seemed forever but it will get better and it should, your Mum loved you, she wouldn't want you to be sad forever but right now, when it's so raw, you cry away.

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Nicknacky · 11/10/2016 00:00

How long ago was your loss, Oh?

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OhTallulah · 11/10/2016 00:05

Four years now, I cannot believe it's gone so quickly, it feels like a few months, but my Mum was older than yours and that made it a bit easier I suppose even though it didn't feel like it at the time.
I used to cry in Tesco car park sitting in the car, anywhere really, people must have thought I was a mad woman.
You take care x

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AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2016 02:12

I believe that death brings an understanding of all things to the dying person; past, present, and future. Your mother knew your heart at that moment. She knew you loved her and that you were the best daughter to her that you knew how to be. She knew your soul at that moment, knew you and loved you in your imperfections.

When my dad was dying, even though he wasn't 'truly' conscious, the last time he looked in my eyes I saw such love, peace, and understanding in them. It truly was the final and best (of many) gifts he gave me.

Peace.

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CarbeDiem · 11/10/2016 05:57

Hi Nicknacky,
I'm so very sorry about your Mum. It's just awful and nothing I say will make things alright but I want you to know that I know what you're going through.
It's been almost 7 months since I lost my Mum at 55 to a brain tumour. It's still hard and i miss her every day.
I had questions like you at first I was heartbroken and afraid that my mum had suffered somehow in her final days/hours.
As much as I rationally knew what was happening, that it was time and mum wouldn't ever leave the hospital alive on that final time she was admitted - I blocked out a lot of what happened and only after could I remember it. I know for sure that even unconscious. she knew we were there. They say hearing is the last function to go and I believe that. I also think that mum was in charge of her passing.... on the day she was admitted she was given hours to live..... she wouldn't/couldn't do it though as it was her granddaughters birthday, I knew she wouldn't go then, I kept telling my sisters that she wouldn't willingly let go on that day and she didn't. I also knew that she wouldn't want to upset people (all 14 of us that stayed at the hospital for 3 days) and let go with them all there.... she didn't, she waited until just me and one sister were sat either side of her holding her hand. She opened her eyes, looked into my eyes and took her last breath, as if it was a relief. It was so very peaceful. I knew in that moment that she forgave me and she knew I forgave her (we hadn't had the best relationship neither as a mother nor daughter)

2 of my other sisters had been sent home to get an hours sleep and get showered and they were devastated they weren't there but as I told them - mum knew what she was doing (protecting them) so I really feel that your mum could have done the same with you and your sister.
If I can take a positive (if I can call it that Fucking Cancer!!!)After watching people pass from body cancers - I'm grateful mum had brain cancer, it's so different and a much more calm and peaceful passing, it helps me enormously to know there was no pain.
You cry, let it out when you feel like it, it's so fresh and raw right now you'll keep feeling that you can't possibly have any more tears left..... but then they'll keep falling. You will feel like the heartbreak will never end but somewhere along the way it just does. It doesn't go away, it just gets a little easier to accept/manage/face with time. Like I said it's now almost 7 months for me and I've just recently been able to look at a photo that my dp had blown up and framed for me. It's of me aged around 3 and my mum in a photo booth laughing. It's been there, on top of the fire, facing me, since July but I only now can actually look at it and not just see it - if that makes sense.
I hope you can take some comfort from my ramblings here :)
Sending you hugs and thinking about you x

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saffynool · 11/10/2016 07:07

i just wanted to post on your thread too, to say how much your worries about not being a good enough daughter ring true with me. I really understand that feeling and it's so hard. My mum's mental health issues had put a massive strain on the family for years and years, and our sadness so often showed as anger and frustration, I feel ashamed to think about some of the things I said while she was alive. I know I wasn't always 'good enough' but I also know that I loved her and just wanted her to be well and happy, and I have to hold on to the idea that she knew that and understood it.

I don't think any bereavement among close family happens without some feelings of guilt - we always feel we could have done more, been more. I really hope you can get some comfort in the days to come, much love to you.

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phoria · 13/10/2016 01:38

OP my mum died when she was 62 too. it's just far too young. i also felt like a bad daughter even though i took the most time off out of my siblings to take care of her while she was sick. a few days before she died we had an argument over something silly. i think we were just both going stir crazy. i can't think about it too much otherwise it would tear me up.

also i've heard some people wait until their loved ones leave to pass away.

Liney - i think that too. i don't believe in life after death. i do think we become energy that's reabsorbed into this world so i like think when my mum died i reabsorbed some of her energy into me.

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Nicknacky · 21/10/2016 23:13

I read all your posts and every one of them I'm nodding along with. It's taken me a few days to return to this threads but I can honestly say the kind words from strangers have meant the world to me.

I'm sorry that you have all experienced similar but it's truly comforting to know that what I'm thinking is normal and it really helps to read your posts.

Thanks once again x