I feel like I am broken

[Pantana90]

Hey everyone, I have been going through a bit of a tough time lately. Let me explain.
I'm a 27-year-old guy and two years ago, I was in a four-year relationship with a girl who I loved very much. One night, completely out of the blue she broke up with me. Our relationship was still great but she felt she didn't want to be with me forever. We were each other's "first" for everything. I was crushed and had that "broken heart" feeling in my chest literally for months.

I didn't handle things very well in the immediate aftermath. I went on dating sites like Tinder and just escaped by having quick flings with numerous women. It didn't exactly make me feel better but it kept me busy. I had zero intention of getting into a relationship with any of these women and I will admit that I used some of them just for sex. A few I did quite like, but I don't know how serious I was. Some would seem to really like me but I would always find some flaw or excuse to end things.

It was more about boosting my ego a bit and I definitely enjoyed "the chase" but once I done the deed, it was as if my interest vanished. I know, this makes me a total prick and despite the heartbreak there was no excuse to treat people like that. So I took a break from any kind of dating.

Eight months after I got dumped, my mother (who had battle cancer for 13 years) passed away. She was only in her late 40s and is even to this day the most important woman in my life. To say this devastated me and the entire family would be an understatement. The two women in my life who I loved were gone in the space of months, changing my life completely. Even thinking about how my life was just over two years ago really hurts me and I miss it.

I was surprised how well I handled my mum's death. She was the bravest and strongest person who never complained so I followed her example and stayed strong. Every single day since she passed I have asked her to give me her strength to help me. And (for me) it has worked so I know she is still with me and will never truly leave me. I was a big mummy's boy. She did everything for me and I would always go to her with my problems.

Anyway, after taking more time out I decided to go back to the dating scene last summer and was straight back into the flings. It was as if I was looking for my idea of a perfect woman who I'm extremely attracted to and also like. I kept finding that none of these women were fitting my idea. It's my fault because I was predominantly thinking with my penis.

Around 6 months ago I met a woman on an online dating site and we talked for a while. She made it clear that she wanted to keep things as a casual, sexual relationship and I was cool with this. And it was just that for about a month. However, I started to notice that she would start becoming a bit more invested in me and started to really like me. I was still in total single mode and had no plans for anything for serious. It was as if she completely did a U-turn on what she originally said.

I went along with things and she made it clear she really wanted to be with me. I said I wasn't ready and she was fine with this but we would still see each other and as I got to know her more, I began to realise that she is an absolutely wonderful person. The best I've met since I got dumped easily. At one point, I spent the night with another girl about a few months ago and even though I wasn't in a relationship, I felt very guilty about what I had done. This made me realise that I really care about her. I told her what I done and she seemed to understand and since then I have not dated anyone else.

She has told me she loves me and sometimes I feel like I want to say it back but I can't bring myself to do it. This is why: what I felt as "love" in the past, that feeling, has never came back to me. I can't feel the way I did and can't commit. It's like I feel indifferent to some extent and I am broken. I know if I end things with her I will regret it and just go back to the old ways of one-night stands (which I do still find tempting) but surely that isn't healthy?

We have only been in an "official" relationship for two months and there are times when I feel happy. Then I get days where I beat myself up for not feeling as strongly as she does for me. I want to but it's as if something isn't "there" inside me. I don't think it's her - I would feel this way anyway about everyone probably. I feel like I would always create a way to escape.

I've explained this to her, and again, she is very understanding and wants to be there for me. I felt a bit of pressure because what she originally stated is not what has happened and I didn't see this coming. Am I damaged? Am I a bad person? Does my past in any way explain my actions? Please offer any help and viewpoints. I want to love again and feel close to it, but it's as if it's just out of reach.

[alazuli]

you posted this in the bereavement section which makes me think you're still grieving for your mum. you've had 2 big losses in your life in a short space of time. have you thought about counselling? it might help. you're not a bad person. you're just hurting right now and perhaps not emotionally available to be in a relationship. 8 months is a very short amount of time. don't beat yourself up because you're not feeling the right way.