feeling so sad. Baby would be a toddler now

[allsfairinlove]

I've never talked about this before here on MN. IRL very few people know either. And i feel so guilty even mentioning it because it was all my fault.

Four years ago I was pregnant. It was unplanned and I was in an abusive relationship. My partner had anger issues and hit me. I had just about summoned the courage to leave when I discovered I was pregnant.

The news hit me like a ton of bricks. The feeling of overwhelming love coupled with a sense of dread that this meant I was never going to escape a man who physically, mentally and emotionally beat me up.

The following day after I found out I was pregnant, he beat me up again and I lost the baby.

This was the final wake up call and I left him and never looked back.

This was four years ago and I feel so guilty. Because I knew he was violent and I didn't protect my baby.

I've tried to move on with my life since and I now have a lovely partner who is supportive and kind. And I have recently got a cat that I love so much that it hurts. I don't know how healthy this attachment is to be honest.

The feeling of guilt and sadness is still overwhelming. I see toddlers the same age that my baby would have been now and I either have to shut down emotionally or else I run home crying and curl up in bed.

I know I probably should have counselling but it's so expensive and I just can't afford it. Does it ever get better? On the surface of things, I'm pretty together and professional -- and as I say no-one apart from my abusive ex and present partner, and one other friend knows IRL. My parents are deeply religious and I've never told them as they would probably have disowned me for getting pregnant outside of marriage. And my DP's family are very judgmental and would probably feel superior and look down on me which I wouldn't be able to stand.

Tonight was particularly difficult because I stupidly saw a film about families that triggered my sadness which is why I'm posting on a whim.

Anyway that's it really. I'm a sad middle aged woman who might not be able to have any children and might have lost the only chance to be a mother because of a stupid stupid bloody choice in an abusive violent man.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

Lovely, this was in no way your fault. You are not the first woman to be in a relationship with an abusive man, and sadly you wont' be the last.
May I gently suggest you ask for your post to be moved to the relationship board? There will be people there who have had similar experiences to you that you can talk to and who will be able to offer more help and advice than I can.
Your pain and sadness shine out in your words and you deserve some help to come to terms with everything.
I am glad you now have a lovely partner, your past is nothing to do with his parents whatsoever.
Have you spoken with your GP? I suspect this would be the best place to start.
Look after yourself won't you? I hope you find happiness whichever way life takes you.

[allsfairinlove]

Thank you for your reply Grumpyoldblonde. I really appreciate you taking the time to post. Truth be told I'm nervous about moving the thread as I posted it whilst feeling emotional and now I feel cautious in the cold light of day. And am embarrassed.
But you are so kind that I didn't want to ignore your post.

[Lovemylittlebear]

I'm so sorry to hear about this and your heart ache. Some areas have access to good IMAP services. If your GP can refer you for CBT/ACT this might help a little bit with the psychological suffering you are going through. I really would recommend you look into this. X

[Grumpyoldblonde]

No need to be embarrassed. You just come back if you ever want or need to. There will always be someone to talk to. Take good care of your very valuable self.