Reaching the age your mum was when she died...

(27 Posts)
mothersage Mon 15-Aug-16 12:59:40

Did anyone else find themselves at a crossroads when they got to the age their mother was at death?

Just that, really. I feel like I'm going a bit loopy as I get to the same age. I suppose it is inevitable to some degree. I feel like if I have as much life again, I should make the most of it, and live it to the full.

I guess people would call it a midlife crisis, but it's more than that. It's a sort of evaluation of things: friendships, possessions...and also a feeling that "I owe it to my mother to do x"

Mum died nearly 20 years ago, if it makes any difference...

Potentialmadcatlady Mon 15-Aug-16 21:44:41

Not about my Mum..I lost her just a few months ago but my brother yes..when I hit the age he was when he died I hit a wall..hard...I had a hard time when I got to do things he didn't get to do.. Then I kinda started to do things for him if you get what I mean...

CrochetAndLabradors Tue 16-Aug-16 10:39:25

Yes! I'm 61 now, my mum died over 30 years ago now when she was just 65. As I get closer and closer to that age I'm finding that I wonder if I'll live longer than her, or if I've only got 4 years left.......
It's making me reevaluate my life, have I done everything I wanted, am I as healthy as I can be.
It's an odd feeling isn't it.

Sosidges Tue 16-Aug-16 10:56:21

I did feel very sad when I hit the age my dad died. He was only 51 and I can't help think about, how my own children are approaching that age now

NavyandWhite Tue 16-Aug-16 21:59:53

My mum died 45 years ago and I'm coming up to the age she died.

It's been on my mind for a long time wondering if I would reach her age and go past it iykwim.

It's a funny thing.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Wed 17-Aug-16 11:58:26

My mum died quite young (52) and I was half her age then. I went through a period of feeling middle aged when I was still really rather young. I think I felt younger at 40 than I did at 30. I'm still a way away from 52, but my friends are all starting to hit 50 and it is unnerving.

I know when I reach 52 it's going to be a hard year for me.

healthyheart Thu 18-Aug-16 21:45:04

My mum and dads average age was 44 ....that was hard ( being that age). I've not reached my Dad's age yet. I found it hardest when my eldest reached three ....the age I was when my mum died ..... My son is now late teens. I hope we all live long, healthy and happy lives.

frostyfingers Fri 19-Aug-16 22:07:35

Not quite the same but when I reached the age my mum was when my father died (44) I found it hard. I was 15 when he died and probably couldn't appreciate how young she really was and how much more time they should have had together. She's never re-married, never really got over it and 30+ years on still struggles. It certainly makes me count my blessings.

Horsemad Sat 20-Aug-16 20:55:52

Frosty, I felt the same when I reached the age my mum was when she was widowed. I just kept imagining how it would feel to have that happen. sad

I am now the age my dad was when he died and whilst I did feel a bit strange on my birthday and for a short while afterwards, the feeling hasn't remained and I am only occasionally reminded of it.

cherryminx Thu 01-Sep-16 00:26:29

I have done it. I am over 50 and my mum died almost 40 years ago.

It was very hard. I spent quite a lot of my life not really believing that I could get to that age. Then once I got there I wondered what would happen next and have felt a little bit lost for quite a few years now.

The worst is that my DCs are the age I was when I lost my mum. Sometimes I feel quite angry with them for taking me for granted. Sometimes I feel distraught at the thought of them being without me.

Very difficult feelings.

FrancisCrawford Thu 01-Sep-16 00:38:09

My mum died two months ago and now I am so alone.

frokingst Thu 01-Sep-16 00:49:55

I was thinking about this today. Not my mum but my gm who died aged 36.

navy sorry, I don't mean to be insensitive but it's really bugging me that I can't work out your post. If your DM died 45 years ago how could you be only just coming up to the same age? confused
Again, sorry to be insensitive.

Floralnomad Thu 01-Sep-16 00:50:17

My dad died a month past his 51st birthday and I did say to dd a while ago that it's odd to think that I've been alive without him longer than I was with him present IYSWIM , he died in 1990 , before I'd had my DC . It was also odd when DH became older than he'd been when he died .

scrunchy Thu 01-Sep-16 00:50:41

As I approach the age my mum was i am petrified quite honestly .
She was 44 I was 19.now I'm 36.its so utterly impossible to explain to anyone else the fear unless they have been there.as u get older every twinge makes me panic .

MissElizaBennettsBookmark Thu 01-Sep-16 00:51:53

I reach her age next month. I feel pretty weird about that tbh.

Francis I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing your mum is sooooo hard. 28 years for me and I still miss my mum every day. I wish she could have met my DC....

Horsemad Thu 01-Sep-16 06:33:26

I had a real pang last night that my dad never got to be a Grandad. sad
I felt his loss very keenly when my DC were born but eventually those feelings subsided.

No idea why it jumped into my head last night... sad

insancerre Thu 01-Sep-16 06:42:55

I have 2 more birthdays till I reach the age my mum was when she died
I am already to feel a bit anxious about my health
She died of a brain hemorrhage and it was out of the blue
flowers for everyone on this thread

yetanotherdeskmove Fri 09-Sep-16 17:22:09

I am the age my mum was when she died (42) and yes it is hard, but I think I may find 43 harder as she never got to be that iyswim. I can clearly remember 30 years ago my dad getting to the she his dad was when he died (52) and him finding that very hard too.

OneOfTheGrundys Fri 09-Sep-16 20:50:45

My mental health is not great and has worsened with age. Gp pointed out the connection in age between my fathers death and my depression. I feel as though his age when he died (42) is closing in and there's not long sometimes.

flowers to all here... Loopy is a great way of describing it OP. Despite the fact that he died nearly 26 years ago I still view everything through the prism of his illness and death. Therapy has made me aware of that but it'll always be with me, that skewed perception I think.

reup Fri 09-Sep-16 20:56:43

I haven't yet reached the age of my mum when she died but I did get very upset when I realised that she has been dead for as long as I knew her (she died 25 yrs ago when I was 25) . It's still seems so unfair. I hadn't thought about how I will feel when I'm the age she died. I do think about how I thought of her at my age. So much older than I feel!

Blondieblondie Sat 10-Sep-16 22:09:43

I didn't really realise other people felt like this. My mum died when she was 33 and I was 10. As I turned 33 last year, my DS was also 10 and I had some health worries. Nothing related to what killed her, but it was always at the back of mind that history could repeat itself to an extent.

healthyheart Sat 15-Oct-16 22:21:47

frokingst if navy was a baby when her mother died ( let's say one year old) and her mother gave birth to her at the age of 45, her mother would've been 46 and navy will now be turning that age?

AnnieOnnieMouse Sat 15-Oct-16 22:54:40

Ouch!
Hadn't quite thought of it like that before. I have beaten the average age of death for my medical condition - never expected to reach 60.
Like reup, I have been without my mum almost as long as I was with her. Been without dad for three times as long as I was with him.
By the time I was DS's age, both parents were dead, and all grandparents.
In a few weeks DH will reach the age his dad was when he died. I don't think he has noticed, tho may do on the day.

Onedaftmonkey Sat 15-Oct-16 22:58:45

Mum was 43. I am 39. Shit scared to be honest. Always have been. I was just 13 when she died of breast cancer. I do check mine but am afraid I'll miss something or it'll be too deep to feel. She died 26 years ago last thursday. I miss her with every breath. I don't ever want my ds to go though what I did.

SailingThroughTime Sat 15-Oct-16 23:00:46

Yes I'm very aware of it as I approach the age my parents were when they died. It's not helped that my first cousin died at the same age recently. I know a colleague feels the same in a similar situation.
Thank you for starting this thread. If I mention it irl friends are so keen to dismiss my feelings or minimise them.

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