Just to let you know this is suicide-related, so if this is triggering for you please don't read on
I'll try and explain as much as I can without outing myself.
My mum took her own life when I was a teenager. I understand the reasons why she did it. For many years I coped with the loss. I buried my grief in study, work and life in general. The years went by and time, as it sometimes does, healed me slowly.
I married a wonderful man and I have now had children of my own. My youngest is six months, eldest four years. I have not been prepared for the way in which having my own DC has made me feel about my mum and her death.
I feel a bizarre combination of utter, consuming sadness that I have not felt for many, many years since she died but also anger.
The sadness is brought on mainly by seeing and hearing of other mums with their mums and their babies; going out for coffee, lunch, shopping...etc. I was out with some antenatal friends a month or so ago and one of the (lovely) ladies mentioned that whenever she goes out to lunch with her mum they always order two puddings and cut them in half to share. For some reason that just felt like a knife in my gut. I had to leave. I don't get to have lunch with my mum, or go out for coffee with her, or go shopping with her. My children will never be bought outfits by her. On those days where I just need an extra pair of hands, my mum will never be there for me.
I am also angry at her. I never thought I would allow myself to admit this. It feels wrong as when she died, she was so consumed by what was eating away at her that I have never really been angry at her for what she did. But now I resent what she has taken from me and from my DCs.
They have two wonderful nannies in the shape of my MIL and my stepmum, but I know that one day I will have to have a conversation with them about why my mummy isn't around. How on earth do I do that? How do I tell them that she isn't here through her own choice, that sometimes people's mummies die? I appreciate they are still so young and that these conversations are many years down the line but it still plays in my head. Already my eldest has asked if I have a mummy and I've just told him no and that not everyone is lucky enough to have a mummy
I'm not sure what I'm seeking by posting this. I'm not really expecting any responses, but it has been cathartic to finally write some of this down. Thank you if you've managed to get this far.
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Bereavement
Anger at my mum.
8 replies
LitUpHeart · 19/06/2016 06:26
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