Anger at my mum.(9 Posts)
Just to let you know this is suicide-related, so if this is triggering for you please don't read on
I'll try and explain as much as I can without outing myself.
My mum took her own life when I was a teenager. I understand the reasons why she did it. For many years I coped with the loss. I buried my grief in study, work and life in general. The years went by and time, as it sometimes does, healed me slowly.
I married a wonderful man and I have now had children of my own. My youngest is six months, eldest four years. I have not been prepared for the way in which having my own DC has made me feel about my mum and her death.
I feel a bizarre combination of utter, consuming sadness that I have not felt for many, many years since she died but also anger.
The sadness is brought on mainly by seeing and hearing of other mums with their mums and their babies; going out for coffee, lunch, shopping...etc. I was out with some antenatal friends a month or so ago and one of the (lovely) ladies mentioned that whenever she goes out to lunch with her mum they always order two puddings and cut them in half to share. For some reason that just felt like a knife in my gut. I had to leave. I don't get to have lunch with my mum, or go out for coffee with her, or go shopping with her. My children will never be bought outfits by her. On those days where I just need an extra pair of hands, my mum will never be there for me.
I am also angry at her. I never thought I would allow myself to admit this. It feels wrong as when she died, she was so consumed by what was eating away at her that I have never really been angry at her for what she did. But now I resent what she has taken from me and from my DCs.
They have two wonderful nannies in the shape of my MIL and my stepmum, but I know that one day I will have to have a conversation with them about why my mummy isn't around. How on earth do I do that? How do I tell them that she isn't here through her own choice, that sometimes people's mummies die? I appreciate they are still so young and that these conversations are many years down the line but it still plays in my head. Already my eldest has asked if I have a mummy and I've just told him no and that not everyone is lucky enough to have a mummy
I'm not sure what I'm seeking by posting this. I'm not really expecting any responses, but it has been cathartic to finally write some of this down. Thank you if you've managed to get this far.
I have a very similar story, you are not alone. I also have 2 DC similar age to yours and my eldest has started with the 'where/who is your mummy'. It's hard. Having DC of your own really does make you think about your own parents and it really forces anger to the surface.
I also completely hear you on how difficult it is to parent without the support of our mothers. I've had some very dark days where I would have loved to lean on my mum. My husband is great in lots of ways but not able to offer much in the way of emotional support and obviously doesn't grasp some of the issues women face when they have children. I envy my friends who have their mums on hand to support them through this chapter of life.
I don't have any words of wisdom to share but perhaps try your best to keep in mind two things - we are incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to mother our children and have the parent-child bond in another form. You can give them everything you missed out on and surely over time that can heal the wounds a little?
Secondly, your mum was seriously ill to do what she did - the pain and suffering she felt will have been immense - she won't have taken the decision lightly at all and she genuinely will have believed the people in her life were better off without her. Although you think it's a choice that she left and wonder how could she? In fact, she will have felt like she had no choice at all. Depression is harrowing and all consuming. Try not to direct your anger at her.
Have you been in touch with one of the charities for families affected by suicide?
Is your DP supportive and someone you can talk to. You really need a lot of love and support right now so I hope you can get it.
My children are 11-15 and have never asked why I don't have parents. It's crap all the time that I never had them nor had anyone that cared for me. I would try and focus on the fact you had your mum for so many years and that she was suffering too much to go on. Also get some counselling so that your sadness doesn't get inflicted on your children. You are lucky you had a mum and now have caring mil and step mum. I know others not doesn't help you but try and focus on the positives.
going I am very grateful that I had a mum and now have the people I do; I wish it was as simple as thinking I was lucky to have a mum until I was 15. Unfortunately that isn't making me feel better or helping to ease my pain at the moment. I'm very sorry for the loss you have experienced.
teacher Thank you for sharing and sorry you're in the same boat. DH is very supportive and I do talk to him. I am very focused on using my grief in a positive way in my relationship with my DCs; I want them to have everything that was taken from me.
I haven't been in touch with any charities. I'm not great at that kind of thing; I really don't like talking about stuff
I know it might not help. I was trying to make you feel happier with thinking of memories you had and not the loss you feel now. I'm sorry.
He LitUpHeart . I can give you a little bit of hope. My mum died when I was 9 to suicide. I like you grieved but felt I was moving and coping with things OK. When I had my children my grief and despair hit a high and I was depressed for a time.
I think it's common to have these feelings and we should realise that it is normal and not feel bad about it.
My children are older teens now and I do feel better. I'm sorry you are going through this now, as pp said you really have to cherish the mother child relationship. I have 2 daughters and I am so happy now to have mother daughter connection.
A good book is Motherless Mothers and I think there is a website too.
Not the same at all but my Dads parents were both absent- they were young teens when he was born and his Dad did a bunk and his Mum tried to commit suicide after a phantom pregnancy and was then sectioned and spent many years in a psych unit. They have no contact. He was in a children's home and then spent some time living with distant relations.
I knew from a very young age that something wasn't right about his family set up- and asked about it from age 2/3. He was totally honest and never tried to dress it up and just explained it in an age appropriate way. I think that's the best thing you can do for your kids, I know it would have frightened me more if it had been a secret.
Going - yeah, sure you mean well, but totally not helpful! A bit like saying to someone who has treatable cancer 'hey at least it's not terminal!' We shouldn't minimise suffering just because it could be worse.
OP, also agree with PP that it's normal to feel how you do, allow yourself to grieve for what you missed out on that many other people take for granted. Be kind to yourself. There will be ups and downs but I bet you feel better once your children are both a little older - everything is very much brought to the surface right now as you're relatively new to parenting.
Hang in there.
Nothing like that at all teacher.
You have no idea why I said what I said and why I felt it MIGHT help.
Op. I wish you well. This clearly isn't the place for me.
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