My SIL has had a stillbirth at 22 weeks

[hotandbothered]

I am so shocked and horrified and looking for some advice and suggestions. She lives in Africa so we can't help in any practical way, and we haven't had many opportunities to get to know one another. But I would hate her to think we don't care because we haven't done x or y.
She had a baby girl this afternoon so we are still a bit sketchy about names etc and how she is. Dh is calling his brother in an hour - any advice?
She has a 2.5 year old ds who is currently in another part of Africa -she was medivacced out - their lives couldn't be any more complicated really.
Would be grateful for any advice...

[compo]

Could you send a card to let her know you're thinking about her? Maybe a sticker book (easy to post) for her other child just to keep them occupied for a little while to give SIL a break?

[Marina]

I'm really sorry to hear this hotandbothered.
My knowledge of this very distressing situation relates to the UK, where people whose babies die after 20 weeks' gestation can call on the advice and support of SANDS . I'm afraid I don't know offhand if they have contacts in any African countries but maybe if you check the website and there is a local contact you could pass that info on.
I hope she has felt able to name her dd and that if possible she is in the care of medical staff who have given her compassionate support. In the UK, SANDS advice to health professionals dealing with stillbirth is to encourage parents to see their baby, spend some time with him or her, and arrange a funeral if that is what they would like.
A present that might go down well could be a memento box for them to put any items they might already have been given for their daughter into - plus cards and letters, and maybe scan photos.
Even if you are planning to speak to her dh shortly, sending a card would be a nice gesture.
I should think she is missing her ds very much right now and very shocked. Delivering a stillborn baby at 22 weeks is a gruelling and deeply sad experience. I'm so sorry.

[paulaplumpbottom]

I'm sure she would be pleased just to know you are thinking of her.

[hotandbothered]

Thank you for your messages. I've had a quick look at the SANDS website but can't spot a link for overseas. But I'm sure they'll have lots of useful information which I may be able to pass on.
The memento box is alovely idea. Will give it some thought.
Meanwhile dh spoke to his brother briefly and they were staying in the clinic together tonight. I think the best thing for them at the moment is probably just to be alone with each other but know that we are all thinking of them and their baby girl. Until we know how long they'll be there we can't even send a card. Guess as time goes on, we'll now a bit more and hopefully be able to do something meaniingful to help in some small way.
MN is certainly proving to be a big help to me - it's a shame they don't have access to it.

[Marina]

I just double-checked for you - they don't keep the list of groups on the website any more I see, but mail them or ring on Monday, because they do have contacts and affiliates in other countries (mostly but not just Europe, and usually with an expatriate community link). I am sort of getting a vague memory of a contact in S Africa, but I might be wrong.
SANDS may be able to mail her some stuff from the UK direct, or be willing to send you something to forward. XXX

[suedonim]

Hotand bothered, I'm also in Africa, Lagos, Nigeria, to be exact. If your SIL is here, is there anything I can do to help?

[Mustdobetter]

A card will take quite a while to get there. Can you get some flowers delivered with a card that specifically refers to your little niece? If there is no name that that you know of, talk about your 'niece' -- that acknowledges that this is a family member that you have all lost.

[paulaplumpbottom]

Maybe Suedonim could recommend a florist.

[hotandbothered]

Thanks everyone. They are in South Africa just now and returning to Zambia when there is a free flight. We're going to look later to see if we could have flowers delivered when they get home. Imagine Lusaka has a florist? If not, our card will arrive in due time.
I'm a bit surprised at how upset I am really, particularly as we don't know my SIL too well. But I think I'm very aware that my dd has lost a cousin - a little girl who we would have loved to get to know. Also our nephew will not understand at all why he isn't getting a baby brother or sister - he's only 2.5.
There had been problems since New Year, and we were trying very hard to stay hopeful, although we knew it would be a miracle really if there was a happy outcome. It still feels like a shock though.

[paulaplumpbottom]

Its suprising how sad it can be whenever someone elses loses thier baby, especially a family member.

[hotandbothered]

The sadness continues.
After deciding to have her cremated, and then fly the ashes home for a family funeral, the hospital declared that at 22 weeks she is clinical waste. They took photos, dressed her and then they do this? Horrific. After seeing how distraught my SIL was though they gave in and agreed to cremate her and Fed Ex her ashes to Zambia (they leave tomorrow).Poor things I can't even begin to understand how they are feeling.

[Jackstini]

Oh how awful hotandbothered - so glad the hospital relented. How can anyone in their right mind refer to lost baby that way?
I hope they got their flight back ok and sure you thinking of them & keeping in touch will mean a lot

[hotandbothered]

Thank you J.
Yes they are home and planning the burial. We managed to get flowers delivered - more by luck than anything else (long story). They are very pleased to see their ds of course. Think counselling is being arranged by BIL employers which is good news, didn't know if that would be possible. Still feel completely useless but can't think of anything else we can do but ring regularly (when there is a signal - they don't have a landline phone) and give them the opportunity to talk if they want.

[Jackstini]

You are not useless - being there for a chat when possible may be just what they need. Still thinking of them