Is this normal ? Bereavement

(10 Posts)
stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 04-May-16 22:33:21

I have really closed down since my beloved dad died a few weeks ago

I don't want to speak to people really - I don't pick up the phone and I don't want to see people or talk
Socialising is a struggle
I have aches and pains and anxiety - I can't cope with anything other than the routine
I am tired all the time
I am avoiding the people that are self centred as I just can't face listening to them

Yet the rest of my family seem to have got back on the horse - it's just me that's struggling -

Just curious how other people have coped with it ? When losing a close family member

I won't even ask those that have lost a child - as I know that's another level of hell and not remotely comparable

I think I might need anti depressants ?

romanrainsalot Wed 04-May-16 23:26:20

My sympathies on losing your Dad.

Grief is a very personal thing and there is no right and wrong way to deal with it. Do not compare yourself to others, they will be dealing with it in their own way, sometimes behind closed doors.

Bereavement can also make you think about life and daily "problems" in a different way. Some things can seem insignificant now, like people pressing in work for deadlines or people's "problems" on Facebook.

A few weeks is nothing when you think of the lifetime that your Dad has been in your life. Give yourself more time, be kind to yourself. Perhaps do/make something that reminds you of him in a nice way. Get out at the weekend, find a quiet spot, write him a letter or go for a walk, bake his favourite cake etc.

May I suggest bereavement counselling? There are a number of different organisations that can help e.g. Cruse Bereavement or your local Carers' Association. For example, we have recently lost our dear mother and the hospice were able to provide some information on dealing with loss, counselling etc. Also this website has links to resources and information/support help.dyingmatters.org/

Whilst antidepressants can be helpful, they are not a decision to be taken lightly. Side effects can be rough. Could you cope with spending the next two-three weeks in bed, feeling woozy, sick, not sleeping, hot sweats etc? I'm not saying they are not for you, just to consider the other options first.

Jules125 Thu 05-May-16 21:32:35

I am just struggling to survive at the moment after Mum died two weeks ago - I get through the day but nothing more. I am tired and distracted. Today I found myself googling my parents old house (childhood home) which was sold in 2009 - I was kind of hoping to find them both there somehow. I've been through difficult bereavements before, my Dad died and then my baby daughter was stillborn both in 2009. The latter was awful, but then at least I had my Mum around for support. I think only time really helps, sometimes a long time. I can accept what happened in 2009 though it still brings sadness.

Try to reach out to those who may be contacting you and trying to help, even if you don't want to. One thing I did learn from previous bereavements is that whilst some friends seem to let you down, there are others who surprise you with their sensitivity and thoughtfulness. I have remained close friends with those who did most to help in the dark days after my baby died, even some I did not know well before hand. But you might have to answer the phone and give them that opportunity. I hope you can try that.

I've considered anti-depressants but I'm not sure they really help much, unless you were depressed before your Dad died. But if you think they might help you then usually you are started on a low dose and the side effects are not as bad [usually I think] as the previous poster suggested.

Hope some of this helps

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 06-May-16 11:47:27

thanks both for your wise replies, its not helped by the fact my back pain has come back since his death which make things harder

great advice
I am NOT taking antis
I will get out and about a bit, and I will welcome my friend that's visiting next weekend
I will be kind to myself and rest etc

Its just so fucking sad! I really wanted to call him after my GP apt as he genuinely cared, I miss him, and it not even a month yet. plus we have the usual family shit that always comes up, upsetting

sounds like we are all pretty recent . flowers for your mothers, and for your baby Jules (no words...) xxxx

Jules125 Fri 06-May-16 15:34:17

I have not been able to talk with my Mum for about 18 months now; she was just too ill. There are so many times I have wanted to call her [and had no-one to call]. It is hard. Thinking of you.

Badders123 Fri 06-May-16 15:50:32

It's nearly 3 years since I lost my dad
I wish I could tell you it gets better
in some ways it does - Or rather, you get better at it - At living without them, I mean
now when one of his favourite songs come on the radio I smile
I don't sob for 20 mins like I did at the beginning
I remember him how he was, not giving him cpr
I'm sorry for your loss
Grief is a very personal thing
There is no right and wrong

Indantherene Fri 06-May-16 16:17:43

It took me 7 years before I felt I was at peace with losing my dad. I won't say "got over it" because you never do. I still see my life in terms of when he was here vs since we lost him.

I developed severe RSI a few weeks after his death which invalided me for over 6 months. Led to me eventually having to resign my job and look for something else.

I couldn't cope with other people for a long time. I'm afraid I was quite unkind to a close friend when she was hysterical about her miscarriage. All I could think was that I'd lost my father and she was crying over something that wasn't even fully formed.

You just need to be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Everyone reacts differently and the way you feel is right for you.

This year marks 20 years since my dad died. I can't quite believe it's been so long.

JSlondon Sat 07-May-16 00:20:16

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum two months ago and have also felt very insular. My family too seem to be grieving differently to me and focusing on keeping busy and sorting through her things straight away. I'm trying to respect their way of grieving and that we are all trying to adjust to the loss and new family dynamics in our own way. I think it's hard when others grieve so differently to you. It's such early days, please try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve in the way you want to.

williewill Sun 08-May-16 08:26:59

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 09-May-16 08:29:05

williewill did you write something so nasty on a bereavement that that it got deleted? if so, wow. just wow

thanks to all others that posted, the sunny weekend helped and am slowly reaching out to see ppl

on we walk hey

I think after a death you not only lose that person, you lose the family you had in a way as everything changes- its a double whammy

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