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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My Dad died, we need to sell his house, sister will not help...

10 replies

bluecheque4595 · 13/01/2015 23:55

My Dad died in September and he lived in the same small coastal town as my sister who is married and has no kids. She has a really busy job, goes to work about 4 am every day so is pretty tired, but she gets the whole weekend off. Brer in law works full time and at weekends.

Myself and dh have three kids, both in full time work and we live 80 miles away from Dads house.

Dads house was in a state of disrepair when Dad died, he didnt clean it and it needed biohazard cleaners when Dad was in hospital so since he died myself and dh have done loads of work getting new floors, painted walls etc etc, paid workmen, made phone calls.

My dsis does nothing.

There has been bad weather and tiles come off the roof sometimes and we need to look in on the place, take meter readings etc. she lives ten mins away from Dads place but refuses to go round there saying she can't face it. Now it does not even look like his place any more, new carpets, fixtures and fittings, just looks like a nice anonymous flat getting ready to go on the market. Dsis gloats to me about her coming inheritance from the flat. Yet myself and dh are doing all the work.

However, I think dsis has undiagnosed Aspergers, she finds a lot about practical day to day living difficult. So I hate to pressurise her. Dhusband is livid about dsis but I am loath to say anything.

What would anyone suggest?

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cathpip · 14/01/2015 12:32

I do hope that any money spent on the flat will be reimbursed to you from your fathers estate and as for your sister not helping, I suppose she thinks that you found it easy going in and sorting the flat? Thought not, I would let your dh have a word, what has happened has happened, you can't let everybody else deal with it and then waltz in at the last minute to collect your inheritance, it's just very wrong. I am very sorry about your dad op but your sister sounds selfish.

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bluecheque4595 · 14/01/2015 22:59

Thanks Cathpip.

Luckily my Dad died leaving quite a bit of savings and shares, and about 20k in money which we put in a joint bank account that we both have access to but when dsis has tried to sort anything out she makes really basic errors and ends up screwing up (like putting x amount into her current account and then moving x plus 300 into the new account, thus mistakenly taking her dhs salary by accident which annoyed him, which is a basis error that could have been avoided with a minute with a calculator!).

So I am in charge of the finances, along with everything else.

Dsis is a massive drama queen and makes a massive big deal if she doesn't get her own way with everything. Think Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, and. I have not got the heart to challenge her. Dh is spitting rivets and I am starting to feel the same way. Then again i hate the idea of being a cliched family who fall apart over dealing with Dads estate.

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Hillfog · 14/01/2015 23:12

My mum died 3 yrs ago. I was the closest geographically and it made most sense for me and DH to do the sorting out. My 2 brothers were good though, when my DH was doing work there (clearing garden, trips to the tip etc) they wanted him to take an hourly wage for his time from the 'pot' and then I got an extra £2k (at their suggestion) for organizing probate and going to the interview etc as main executor of the will.
Would something like this help you and your DH? Do you think your sister would agree to extra money for your time?

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bluecheque4595 · 14/01/2015 23:46

I think she might, but her dh definitely wouldn't. And I am too cowardly to ask.

Its not the money, more the time. It will take us about four or five hours, a really long drive on difficult roads, to get to where the flat is. It is literally ten mins walk from dsiss house. And all we want is someone to go in, walk round, see everything is okay and come back again. When I ask her she says "I can't face it" which offends me a bit because... Yeah admittedly dad died in that house, and it was in a state of awful disrepair before he died, and was a grim place to visit, but it would be good if she acknowledged the lovely new carpet smell, the fresh paint, the anonymity of it. It is not a horrible place to visit now, apart from the memories. We put in all that work and she hasn't said thanks or well done. Just says she can't face it.

I can't appeal to my Mum to help, because I don't get on with her and don't like how mum treats sis. And mum doesn't tend to have any impact anyway. Dysfunctionpalooza, my family, roll up roll up. sigh

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bluecheque4595 · 14/01/2015 23:51

I mean a four or five hours round trip in total, and being there is so emotionally taxing its hell having to drive back afterwards. Like climbing a mountain when you are already knackered.

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Pico2 · 14/01/2015 23:58

Could you instruct an estate agent and get them to do the occasional drop in check? I know your sister should be pulling her weight, but she sounds useless and the sooner you disentangle yourself from her by getting everything finished, the sooner you can stop being frustrated by her.

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bluecheque4595 · 15/01/2015 00:03

Interesting idea thanks! I might contact our solicitor whose work includes an estate agent.

The solicitor told us in the early stages that some relatives just end up never walking into a house for years after a person died there cos they can't face it. I have not been like that, I have sorted out loads of Dads stuff. Going through five years of his paperwork in the room where he died, the room still with the bed he died in, and I just got on with it cos someone had to. I can't say I enjoyed if but I am glad the rooms are all cleared now.

On the upside Dads neighbour is a sweetheart who if she knows I am upstairs, comes up with a cup of tea for me.

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NiceCupOfTeaAndALittleSitDown · 15/01/2015 00:04

Blue, I am so sorry to hear of your loss
You are not alone. When my DF died (my DM died 12 years ago) my sister helped to the point where we sorted his flat out. She filled her car up with what she wanted and I haven't seen her since. I had to do everything else. I am now NC with her and I am glad for that, she is toxic. My dear Aunt died last week and she is not interested in helping - in fact she is playing the victim because we are NC she doesn't want to help because it means she will be in contact with me. There is plenty she could do if she was so inclined, she just doesn't want to.
Be true to the memory of your DF and do the best you can for him. Do it out of respect for him, trust me, it will stay with you that you did. Fuck your sister, she is as much a waster as mine.

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bluecheque4595 · 15/01/2015 00:13

Ta, Nicecupoftea.

I am a kind of getting on with it person and because of this people think I am all capable. I get on with the "shitwork" as it were.

I try to be a good sis to my sis but she's wearing me a bit thin right now.

Weirdly my dsis tells people about me, "she is good at arranging the funeral cos she's a mummy." Like being a good organiser comes out with the placenta or something!

Dsis is a hoarder, her house is a disaster area. She recently took from Dads house a portrait of herself Dad had got done. Personally I hated the picture but it wAsnt for me to throw it in the skip.... So ... I thought, fair enough, she took the picture and it will languish in her flat under a pile of laundry forever. But no! It is now on the wall in another relatives guest bedroom so if I visit I still get to see it! She gave it away saying, put it in a room you don't look at, but if its in the guest bedroom we will keep having to run into it.

I shouldha put it in the skip while I had the chance!

On top of all this, I got a recording today of some music one of Dads relatives made for him. I can't bring myself to listen. Just so low right now.

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bluecheque4595 · 15/01/2015 00:19

Sorry for your loss, Nicecupoftea, is there much fallout from being non contact with your sister?

I know dh had a cousin who cut off from his mum, dhs aunt, and it ended up that dh and his mum never saw him again even though the fall out was with the cousins mum, not dh or his mum, but I guess he decided not to see anyone who was still in contact with his mum.

I am a fan of the book Toxic Parents, which tells you to have no guilt and not to waste any time trying to win over people who cannot be won over.

I think my dsis is too self involved to think how it affects me, to be grieving and working and taking on the work of dealing with an estate.

I like visiting dads grave and taking along new plants and flowers. He is in a Catholic cemetery, and I am not one but I find all the flowers and statues there comforting, and I like seeing fellow mourners, where we all smile at each other but don't intrude on grief. It is like a lovely community. Never felt that way about a graveyard before.