My grandma died on christmas eve

[starshaker]

My grandma was the kindest, sweetest, most amazing person you could ever hope to meet. I know everybody says that about somebody after they die but she really was. She would do anything for anybody.

I have so many memories and I’m trying to put them all down here because I’m scared i’ll forget them if i don’t. As I’m writing this I don’t even know if I will post it. If your reading it then obviously i did.

I was so close to her as I was growing up. My earliest memories involve playing on the farm where we lived with my mum and grandparents. I loved that place, that was where I was at my happiest. In the house there was the “good room” where we (my brother and I) weren’t allowed to play. We would jump on the sofas and pretend the carpet was the sea and was full of sharks. Grandma would always know and come in and catch us. Likewise when we would go and jump on the hay bales in the barn.

She always wore an apron, you know the checked kind that was sort of like a cardi? Not sure what you would call them. There was always tissues up her sleeve or in the pocket of her apron. I remember her trying to teach me how to play the piano in the porch (I wasn’t very good). There was a big coat stand in there too with all her shoes that we could play with. She was always cooking and baking. I loved the “spotty” soup she made. Just a few years ago she told me all it was was tomato soup, beef stock and rice. Then there was the cloutie dumplings she made for birthdays and christmas. She always put money in them and we loved it.

Food seems to be very prominent in my memories of my grandma. There was no way you could be hungry after visiting. Maybe thats where I get it. I love to make people happy and feeding them is an easy way to do that. No matter what time you arrived you would always get a cuppie and a cake. Although, as a child you got fizzy juice. She would allow you 1 glass a day, she called it your allocation.

When we moved away we would come back during the holidays and stay. I loved spending time there. There was no TV but we always found something to do.

When I was at school I was picked on a lot. During break time and lunch time I would go upstairs at school and call her. She would call me back and we would talk until the bell rang. I don’t know if she knew how much that meant to me or the fact it stopped me doing something stupid.

I could talk about her for days, she meant the world to me. I wish I had made more effort when I was older. She had dementia and as it got worse I visited and called less. It was too hard to see my grandma disappear in front of me. I wish the kids could have known her like I did.

I wish I had said goodbye and told her how amazing she was. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I feel like I let her down.

[lemisscared]

She knows!! i am so very sorry for your loss.

my father had alzheimers. its not called the long goodbye for no reason :(

i stayed away at the end. i just couldn't bear to see him like it. it broke my heart.

your nan sounds lovely, i bet she was a force to be reckoned with in her time. you have some beautiful memories. treasure them.

[starshaker]

I just feel so broken. I had to act all happy yesterday for the kids and today I just want to curl up and cry. Yesterday everybody was told not to ask how I was cos I was only just holding it together. Today I'm not

[starshaker]

Ive just been told that there will be a service at the funeral home the night before for family only. The coffin will be there and open. I don't think I can cope with that but i need to go. I am going to fall apart. I have another week until the funeral and this is torture