Please help me to handle this- really sensitive.

[Loveisashadow]

Hi

Have posted before will try not to dripfeed. I've had a really tough time lately. Single Mum with one dd,6 (nearly 7). I've had severe depression that led to psychosis after my Grandfather died in January, and three weeks ago, dd's Dad (my ex) died in a house fire.

We were apart for 5 years, he saw dd apart from the last 6 months of his life, where his drinking was getting out of control. We went to court, had a chat (not even a ruling) and arranged contact for him. Sadly, he passed before that contact happened.

We had a fairly uneven relationship, but I went to see him several times when he was in hospital, traced all of his friends that I knew the details for when he died and rang around. As there was no next of kin (apart from my dd), social services are arranging the funeral. They contacted me, and I offered, on behalf of his friends and so on, to ask for readings, seeing him in the chapel of rest and just general things I could easily ask the funerals director. This was mainly for my DD, and my respect for him as her Father. She was his only child.

We have a mutual (and up until now, good) friend. She was involved in a sexual relationship with dd's Dad some 2 years ago, but wasn't talking to him when he died and they had fallen out. He had fallen out with everyone, in honesty, and it's not my place to comment on their relationship- at a time like this (and even at the time), I couldn't care less. I had moved on so had he, and I still considered both friends. I'm very easy going, it is fair to say. I was busy with my degree,too, and work so it never occured me to be anything but accepting and easy going about it all.

I really really didn't want to cause upset when he passed, so asked all of his friends if I was doing the right thing, for advice and to please please tell me what they thought best. I wasn't sure what to do, being as social services take care of it all anyway, except stay in touch with them. They (coroners, social services) were ringing me as next of kin in the place of a minor. I said that's all fine, let me know funeral details and so on. It hasn't happened yet.

This mutual friend is wearing me out. I know that she is upset and feeling the loss (we all are), but so far she has asked if he can wear her knickers and tights for the chapel of rest, sent me a string of abusive texts over a simple miss communication; I sorted that out via e-mail, really not a big deal at this difficult time, and sent me several facebook messages suggesting that I was lying to her, withholding information,has sent strings and strings of comments along the lines that I was wrong for making decisions about contact for my dd,that he drank because of me or to deal with me, I made unreasonable demands on him and has even said that my degree was selfish. She has also questioned my choices over dd's upbringing, and suggested that I'm not bringing her up how he would have wanted.

It was unbearable and led me to fel like hurting myself and suicidal, I couldn't move out of bed because it fuelled my depression so much. I explained this to her, and asked her really kindly, to please stop. She apologised and stopped.

Sorry this is so long! I then phoned the hospital to ask with regard to a viewing, they said they'd advise against it at this stage, but to ask the funeral director. I said thank you for telling me and passed the informtion on to friends who had asked to see him. She was one of them. I said a have a think both, and let me know. I won't go and see him or dd (she wanted to, that's why I asked in the first place), but I'll ask on your behalf and let you know everything when I do. The funeral director hasn't been appointed by social services yet, but I thought we should just ask when they do.

I got the following reply from her:

"Having thought about it, I'd like to see him. I'm not sentimental about how he looks, I just feel it's an important part of seeing him off, as it were. No pun intended ;-) (but he totally planted the pun there anyway the sick f**k). Do you want to give me the phone number and I'll negotiate? If they're dead set against it that's fine but I'll feel better if I try. And these things are generally best negotiated by the interested party directly I find."

I just sent her the phone number to let her get on with it, I'm not bothered by what she wants to do- but I have had an hours sleep because of all of this and am starting to think I've done everything wrong. I just didn't know what to do!

Please please don't judge me too harshly. I'm sat here in tears and have been blaming myself all morning for everything. I have been feeling more and more like hurting myself becase I've messed it all up so much. Two of his oldest friends were cc'd in to the e-mail, too.

I'm thinking that I will just give her the contact details and let her deal with it all now, because I can't cope with this much rubbish. I keep waiting for the next text or e-mail from her slagging me off or saying something stupid.

He has an old school friend, should I ask him to speak with social services and just not go to the funeral with dd, save the upset?

I know that I have done it all wrong, and I feel awful but please please help me figure out what to do. It's tearing me apart.

Thank you if you read this far!

[Drquin]

Sorry to hear all this ...... From the outsider's perspective, it sounds like you've done the best (in general, and in the interests of your daughter) in a very difficult situation.
I'm no expert, but I might make contact with social services and just find out what the rest of the process is for you (acting as NOK's representative).
Then decide for yourself, and your daughter, what's best beyond that for YOU. If that means not seeing him, fine. If that means not attending the funeral, that's OK too.

Then let other lady, and other friends, make up their own minds. Sounds like you've nothing much in common anymore, so nothing to keep you connected. If you don't want, or need to be involved in any of the arrangements to follow, then it's probably best you direct anyone else to SS or undertaker as appropriate.

Best wishes to you and your daughter.

[magicalmrmistofelees]

It sounds like a horrific situation and FWIW I don't think you've handled anything wrong at all! You have gone above and beyond what would be expected of you. I don't have any advice unfortunately except I think you need to concentrate on making sure you and your DD especially are ok. If she wants to 'negotiate' then let her get on with it. She wants him to wear her pants and tights in the chapel of rest??
Take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself. The most important thing here is that you help your DD deal with the death of her DF. Everyone else can look after themselves.

[Loveisashadow]

Thank you. I thought I was loosing perspective there. She does, yes, magical. I've phoned social services, they have yet to appoint a funeral director, but they will phone me and give me the details when they do.

It's straight forward, they arrange it, we just turn up. I asked two of his oldest friends to read, they accepted, and so that's very straightforward in sharing their details with the director and letting them do as they see fit.

I had no idea what to do with the ashes or anything like that, and so his friend made a suggestion of having a lock of his hair for my dd, rather than putting me through the upset of the ashes. He had very lovely curly hair (I was very jealous- and my dd has the same hair too!). I thought I'd put it in a locket for her to keep when older. I also suggested I'd do the same for the other lady-and asked his friends' permisision to do so.

Then I asked if his best friend would accept a gift of a ring he left for our dd, as our dd has other things (incluing a photo book we are making together) and he has nothing of his oldest friend. I hope he will accept it, as we really don't mind. The other lady kept his watch and braclets as they gave them to her at the hospital. She went to his flat and kept his paperwork, including his documents. I thought my dd might like to see those, as it includes her Grandmother's birth certificate and she is named after her, but it's not worth arguing over. Really isn't.

My dd is coping very well, me, not so much.


I've had the information from the coroner's court today, too. Hopefully, when this is all done, we can simply distance ourseves from one another as she's really upsetting me.