Struggling after the loss of both my parents

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

I don't even know how or which way I should grieve.

My mum got cancer when I was 16 and it took hold fast - she died about six weeks after I say my gcses. Before that I'd had a fairly normal and stable life with a lovely home and holidays and so on.

My dad was completely devastated when my mum died but he dealt with it so badly. He got a new girlfriend almost straight away - my mum died at the end of April and by June my dad had started to spend long weekends with his new partner. Then the weekends turned to weeks and he was spending less and less time at home. By the time I sat my A levels two years later my life was unrecognisable - my brother turned to drugs, my dad had put our beautiful home on the market and his new partner made it very clear she didn't want me or my brother in her home.

All in all when I was at university I heard very little from my dad. He did buy a house for my brother and I to stay in during university holidays and I often didn't bother, it was always filled with my brother and his mates smoking weed. We had to spend Christmas alone and he never really rang much or came to visit. He DID but made it clear it was under duress and his partner always came too and since I knew she didn't like me it made it all so awkward.

He split from his partner about 6 years ago but it wasn't long before he met someone else and the inevitable happened again.

Now he's dead. He's dead and I am grieving but I don't know how to grieve properly because he already died years ago. And I'm so angry that he left me in such an incredibly vulnerable position, I realise he lost his wife but I lost my mum!

I'm so sad when I think of the happiness we could have salvaged but couldn't because his relationships with women ultimately were more important than his children.

[twentyten]

I am so sorry. You must feel so churned up. Would you think about counselling? It would give you somewhere to let out all your feelings in a safe place. Good luck

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

Thank you; I definitely don't want counselling, though (I should have stated that in my OP.)

I just feel so sad at what could have been. It was dreadful losing a mum so young but we could still have been a happy family of sorts.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

How recently did your dad die?

[MaryBennett]

Didn't want to read and run. I do hope that you find a way through this. Good luck op.

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

Just over a month ago mydog

[twentyten]

Try writing down what you are thinking and feeling- however senseless it may be. And then tear it up. Give yourself time.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

This is hard to read so can't imagine how it feels for you.

How is your brother now? Can he provide any support - even if it's just to talk thing through

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

Hello. We support each other reasonably well but he needs more by way of support than me really.

I just wish I knew who or what I was grieving. I wish I was grieving my old dad but I'm not. Not really

[Mojito100]

I am sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent on a child is devastating especially when they are in their formative years. The loss of your dad's wife was obviously also devastating and he chose to grieve differently and in a way which has left an indelible mark on you. There really isn't any advice to be given as even though grief has stages every individual grieves in their own way and in their own time. If you don't wish to see a counsellor then I suggest writing on here may be another outlet that might help. People on here understand all the emotions of grief and will at least be able to acknowledge what you are going through.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Gosh that's really very recent, no wonder your head is still all over the place. Perhaps you've already grieved for the dad you thought you had and now you're grieving because the chance is gone?

I don't know. You're not under any obligation to grieve at all if you don't feel like it. You might feel as though you ought to but in reality you kind of lost that relationship with your dad years ago. Perhaps him dying has brought those old feelings back. Keep writing here, it really helps to put things down in black and white.

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

Thank you :)

I am so sad today. I feel so lonely and isolated from everything and everybody.

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

Thank you :)

I am so sad today. I feel so lonely and isolated from everything and everybody.

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

Sorry, I don't know what happened then.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Are you sure you won't talk to someone? It really does help sometimes. Sorry you're having such a hard time, I wish I could help.

[twentyten]

So sorry. What makes you so certain you don't want counselling? Sometimes we need somewhere just to offload in a safe place.

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

I don't have time or money to be honest but thanks :) Plus, they can't change anything or put anything right. There's nothing a counsellor can't say that I've said to myself a dozen times. I just feel unhappy and have to ride that out. x

[twentyten]

I do get that. Nothing will change the facts but talking does help you cope. Many hospices etc offer free bereavement counselling- or Samaritans or via gp? Keep posting

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

Thanks. He didn't go into a hospice; very sudden death.

Hope you are also okay

I'm at the angry stage of grief I think :)

[twentyten]

Even if your df was not in a hospice they often offer counselling to all. I get the anger. Be kind to yourself.

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

Thanks :) I don't think I need counselling, though. I just need to accept that I'm grieving twice: once for a real loss and once for a loss of someone I thought existed and probably didn't.

[Eleanor02]

I'm very sorry. You must be feeling the loss of your dad and that will have brought into relief what might have been. This is such a tough time for you. I don't want to write in cliches - but please hold on to the fact that until you were 16, you had a happy home life - nothing can take away your loving memories of your mum, your family, your home.

And please be very kind to yourself. You may not want counselling (and through eg your GP it would be free) but please find people or a person to talk to.

I hope your relationship with your brother gets stronger. You've both been through an awful lot. Do you have other relatives who you are close to?

Post on here whenever you want. There's lots of shared experience and friendship here.

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

Thanks Eleanor I know counselling is free through GPs but there is a very long waiting list and restricted to I think six sessions. I'm just not convinced it is for me - raking up old ground is upsetting really!

I can barely remember my life as a child and younger teenager. It just bears so little resemblance to what came later.

[Eleanor02]

How are you, mytwo? Hope you're feeling stronger, little by little.

Is there some kind of talking therapies service in your area that may offer a range of services, not only counselling? I was at my wit's end (work related) a while back and up until then, never thought I'd tell anyone, especially my GP, about what was going on. But in the end, I did. I had to and she referred me to such a service and then I had choices. Things are looking up.

Raking up old ground can be horrible, I know. But there be alternatives that still provide you with support and encouragement. Take care.

[Allalonenow]

I've not got any advice really, except to say that this is very early days for you to begin to come to terms with the loss of your Dad, so no wonder your mind is in such pain and confusion.

Although people talk about a pattern to the stages of grief, remember it's not a staight road, you may feel many emotions, loss anger etc in one day, it is a slow process.

Take care of yourself mytwo, sending you kind thoughts.

[mytwoblackandwhitecats]

Thank you

It's hard, very hard, but I am slowly starting to come to terms with it all I'm a positive way. I recognise that circumstances weren't ideal: my mum should have seen me turn 18, graduate, get my first job, home, promotion, and things would have been different and happier had she lived.

My dad shouldn't have died now. But he shouldn't have 'left' years ago either, and that did hurt me more than even I knew at the time. But there is still much to be joyful and happy about - my health, my career (this has had to pause momentarily, but I can sort it easily enough), my freedom.

I'm sad my parents never will know my children or my brothers, if/when we have them in the future, and will not be there if either of us get married.

That really does sadden me.