I opened a ten year old box..

[firstofjune]

I'm not really sure why I did it, but today I opened a box that I sealed nearly 10 years ago, soon after my first love died. I had almost forgotten what was inside. I thought I wouldn't ever open it again, my life is so very different now.. I'm nearly 30 years old, happily married.. things have moved on.

But today I opened it, looked through the pictures, felt his t-shirt, saw his handwriting. And read my diary from when I was 17-18 years old when I fell in love for the first time.

It is just so unbelievably heart breaking. I wish I could talk to somebody about this but friendships have changed over the years and it would seem so wrong to try and start talking about it all again. But I just felt I need to say something...

In my diary I am a head over heels infatuated with him, completely and utterly obsessed. It reminds me of thing we said to each other, how badly he treated me, how stupidly I acted at times, what a beautiful person he was, one of my best friends. I wish I could go back in time and shake myself for being so silly, or nieve. If only I had known what would happen to him, it just seems so unfair. I wish I could go back and comfort myself after it all happened.. it was just so much to deal with at 18 - I really believe it changed my life.

If he were still alive today I could almost laugh about how we acted.. but instead it all just so tragic. I thought we had all the time in the world, we hardly had any time at all. I feel like I took those years for granted, if only I knew.

So many regrets, so many what ifs. I know it doesn't help but I can't help feeling how bloody unfair it was for it to happen to him, to me, to us.

I'm sorry, I'm not even asking for anything here.. I just needed to say something, to someone.

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

Oh OP :(

If you were 40 I would have thought you were my mum. Her DP (my dad) died when she was 18 too.

I don't really know what to say because I never know what to say to my mum either, it hurts her because she could never meet anyone who lives up to him - she says she never will. But I didn't want to read and run.

Life is so cruel and I'm so sorry you got a huge chunk of that cruelty. He may have only been in your life for a short time and got taken away too early, but try and be happy with those memories that you made together. That you managed to be part of his life for that time feel better soon

[deepinthewoods]

This is all part of life- what makes us stronger. We transform and develop.

I have been through some unbelievably hard times, been bereaved, divorced and much worse. It too has shaped the person I am- but I wouldn't have it any other way.
My battlescars give me strength and those bad times have served to allow me to enjoy good times and count the blessings that I have now, brilliant kids, a good partner.

Even through all the shit take the positive, build on that.

Losing someone we love makes life sweeter- grasp all of it and drink it in.

[firstofjune]

Thank you for your kind words Tequila - your poor mum going through that and being a young mum too (I premuse).. I bet you are so so precious to her :) I am happy and grateful that I was a part of his life, I am just surprised by how hard it has hit me today, that those feeling can still be so raw after all this time. I know what your mum means.. I don't think anything can stand up to your first love, especially if it ended so suddenly and finally. I never had the chance to get over him.. I feel like so many things were snatched away from us all.

It's sad that I can't talk to anyone in real life about this.. today is the anniversary of a tiny babies death in my extended family so everyone is understandably thinking about that. I saw some family earlier and said my hay fever was playing up.. if they had pushed me on it I think I would have broken down, but no-one took any notice. My darling husband works away and is currently on a flight to Japan.. not sure if I would have spoken to him about it anyway.. and I'm missing him too which doesn't help things. I feel very alone today.

Deepinthewoods - thank you for your message too, and for trying to make me feel more positive about this. I do try to take comfort in the fact that for a short time I did love a very beautiful person and that I should be happy for that at least. But it feels very bitter today and I am wallowing a bit I know. Unfortunately after he died I cut myself off from a lot of friends, and many others drifted away.. it was that time in our lives, leaving for uni etc, and I think I was grieving so hard that some found it difficult to be around me. I remember my brother telling me I should make more effort with my friends at that time because they were the ones that would truly understand me in years to come.. but I was so cut off emotionally I didn't listen.

I do appreciate my husband so much and really treasure the time we have together.. but sometimes I feel there is a cloud of worry constantly with me that something will happen to him too.

[deepinthewoods]

" I feel there is a cloud of worry constantly with me that something will happen to him too."

But that is life. Nothing is for ever. But if we dwell too much on thos certainties of death then we spoil what we do have.
Love the moment, life is but one day- use the ephemeral nature of life to enhance the present.

[something2say]

Hi first of June....so sorry to read your post. What happened to your partner? I'd love to read more if you feel like talking x I'm sure a thing like that does change a person.