Mum died ...

(17 Posts)
Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 01:36:26

Two weeks ago. And I feel nothing.

She had Lewey body dementia (though was pretty young) and was so thin and ill.

When my Dad died I was a proper mess for years. Now I have a dd I need to keep it together on a few fronts.

Am I in shock? Do I not care about my DM?

I'm so tired and confused.

Oh Trooper, I am so sorry for your loss.
I think that shock and numbness are quite common reactions to losing someone you love very much. It certainly doesn't mean that you don't care for your DM.
Other feelings will eventually follow, when you are ready and able to deal with them. For the time being, you can just put one foot in front of another and get through the days.
I wish I could do or say more, but I didn't want to read your thread without stopping and giving you a hug and a handhold tonight.

Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 01:57:15

Mrscakes - thank you. It's been such a long journey that I know in my head relief - mainly for her - is sensible.

Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 02:08:52

But I miss the person she was and I'm devastated she didn't get to be the Granny she would have been.

Of course you miss her. Maybe now you can remember the best of her now, without her illness hiding her from you.
She sounds special, do you want to talk about her?

Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 02:19:44

She was amazing and a nightmare at the same time.

(I fear I am the same. DH would agree!)

I feel so guilty I wasn't there for much of her last years, but I live in a different part of the uk and did what I could.

It's an awfully cruel illness.

ScarlettSahara Tue 29-Apr-14 02:22:13

Trooper, I am really sorry for your loss too. I lost my mum as a child to cancer and my Dad a couple of years ago from a heart attack but he had started to develop dementia too and it took a while for us to realise so there were some guilt feelings due to lack of understanding of his erratic and difficult behaviour.
Initial numbness is very common as is later anger and guilt then sadness but you will come through and in time I found that the happier times came to the fore and the bad memories faded. I am sure you cared for your mum-its just grief affects us in different ways. thanks for you.

Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 02:26:07

Thank you Scarlett - your perspective is really useful too - I think I'm struggling with the different emotions from Mum vs Dad ...... Horrible lingering death vs massive heart attack in his sleep.

I know which one I'd rather have.

grin and maybe you will see reflections of her in your DD too.

My grandfather had dementia. He was such a fun, lovely man. It was so cruel that he missed his grandchildren growing into adults, that he didn't really know who we were in the final years. We weren't nearby either and logically there wasn't much we could have done. But I still have regrets after all these years.

Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 02:28:02

And thanksthanks for mrs cakes and scarlett

I feel able to try to sleep now. Thank you lovely people smile

Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 02:31:27

Ps oh Scarlett - hugs and thanks for you too x

Night Trooper, I hope you manage to sleep well.
brew (nice soothing hot milky drink)

Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 02:42:36

Thanks mrsc.

X

MexicanSpringtime Tue 29-Apr-14 02:44:45

Sorry your loss. I think when someone we love has a terminal illness we start mourning from the moment we find out about it. My mother died of cancer and not only was I mourning from the onset of the terminal stage, but I ended up hoping she would die sooner rather than later, as it was a very painful type. By the time she died, I had done most of my mourning and now I just miss her sometimes.

Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 03:00:48

Yes Mex- someone on here described it as a living bereavement - I think that's a good way to think of it.

Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 07:11:55

I hope that's where I am too Mex. thank you and so sorry for you too x

Trooperslane Tue 29-Apr-14 09:00:30

Bumping for the morning crowd. Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

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