My mum just passed away from cancer 2 days ago, and I feel very sad about the whole thing. What is making this all the more difficult is that our relationship has been very bad most of my life - though it felt like it had improved when I lived far away. I moved back to my home town, and she resumed her abusive ways in a major way, until her health deteriorated to a point where she didn't seem to have the energy anymore.
The whole issue when she went back to her old ways threw me in to a very deep depression, along with other things (was not just due to this). Thing is - I still loved her and cared for her, even if we didn't get along.
My grief is so complicated, a grief for never being able to mend our relationship - though I know that it wouldn't matter if she lives to 100, she would never change and never apologize. A grief for the rest of my family who are all heartbroken. The abuse was only ever me, and nobody is actually aware, though I have tried to talk to my sister about it (no success, she just excused her). Now I sit here, everyone is praising her memory and I have nothing to say. I have no positive memories at all - though I am hoping they will come to me at some point, I know there are a few far back in my mind. There's some relief knowing I will not endure her behaviour again - and my baby who is due in a few weeks will not have to witness it. But the main feeling is just sorrow and pain, and I don't quite know what to do with myself, or how to feel. I have counselling and a boyfriend I can talk to, but I feel guilty for being angry and two-faced for being sad, as if I am not entitled to it. It's just all so confusing.
Not sure what I want from posting this, I just need to say something to someone.
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Bereavement
Don't know how to react to my mothers death because of our bad relationship
6 replies
Littleen · 20/01/2014 02:58
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