Feeling very sad tonight

(22 Posts)
Throughthelongnight Thu 17-Oct-13 22:45:47

Thank you MrsDeVere, you have been so kind, and a great comfort. I am feeling calmer now. It is so easy to be overwhelmed by difficult emotions, and posting here has helped me to see more clearly and work through some of those feelings.

MrsDeVere Thu 17-Oct-13 22:24:00

I don't know about the first sentence through. I didn't post that.

The second one was me.

What I am trying to say is that grief in the early stages is raw, like your nerve endings are exposed.
As time passes this changes. We never 'get over' or 'move on' but we find ways of living our new lives.

When I say 'hold on to this' I didn't mean 'you have to hold on to what you are feeling', rather 'try and keep what I am about to say in mind, it may help'

Sorry if it wasn't clear. I have been taking pain killers today and have been a bit foggy all day.

Throughthelongnight Thu 17-Oct-13 18:40:23

relate strongly to your sadness

But hold on to this...the rawness of the first months does pass

I know that I am taking these out of context, but I am not sure what you are trying to say here.

MrsDeVere Thu 17-Oct-13 17:44:50

Yes. Amid the obvious sadness and anger, the feeling that all innocence and security is lost is there.

We all know that bad things happen but until you lose someone (particularly if they are young) you don't really know

That feeling does recede somewhat but the essence remains for ever I think.

For me it resulting in this strange mix of 'don't give a toss' and 'what next?, what next?'

It can be exhausting.

But hold on to this...the rawness of the first months does pass. Grief evolves and we learn to wrap our lives around it.

Throughthelongnight Thu 17-Oct-13 14:05:21

I think that this has made me realise that I really have no control over what happens in my life, which on one hand is very freeing, but at the same time nerve wracking.

MrsDeVere Thu 17-Oct-13 11:40:45

Grief is terrifying.
But I think it is like pain in a way.
If you understand why you have the pain and you know its not going to kill you, its not as scary x

Throughthelongnight Thu 17-Oct-13 11:20:37

MrsDeVere, that is exactly how it feels, and when the tsunami hits it's terrifying.

MissM Thu 17-Oct-13 11:04:18

Losing a sibling is agony. No-one knows you better than they do. A few months is no time at all - don't feel that you 'should' be feeling better by now. As for when the cloud lifts, it doesn't really, it just thins gradually. Thanks for your thoughts, relate strongly to your sadness - there are many of us out there!

Throughthelongnight Thu 17-Oct-13 10:16:21

Thank you missm, You are right about being a different person, I think especially after losing a sibling, and a whole lifetime of memories.

I remember years and years after my dad died, feeling upset that it wasn't the first thing I thought about when I woke up.

I wish you strength too, to get through today, and all the ones that are to come.

MrsDeVere Thu 17-Oct-13 10:15:34

You can't move on, nor should you have to.

You are experiencing normal grief.

Grief comes in waves, its like the sea. On good days there are the ripples on bad days you get a tsunami and there are all the degrees in between.

You will always have tsunamis but they will become less frequent and they will not last so long.

You will be forever changed by the loss of your beloved sister. You will be ok though. Grief is frightening because it feels like madness sometimes.

You are not mad. You are missing your sister flowers

MissM Thu 17-Oct-13 10:05:35

If it's any consolation (possibly not), I am sitting here crying for my brother who died five years ago today. It does get easier to bear, but the sadness never goes away - you just learn how to live with it in your life. You will move on, but you will be someone different. I wish you lots of strength.

Throughthelongnight Thu 17-Oct-13 09:12:13

Thanks nichat, yes I realise that life goes on, and I do believe that the more life throws at us, the better prepared we are for the next trauma. My understanding of acceptance is not so much moving on, but being able to imagine your life without that person, and that is what I am struggling with.

There are parts of my personality that only really emerged when I was with her and I am mourning for that part of me as much as her.

Big area, thank you for the link. I snorted red wine when I read the bit about "do not turn to alcohol", my sister would have found that very amusing.

nichat Thu 17-Oct-13 01:17:58

From what I am being told it never goes - which sounds shite to me! We are sent these things to make us stronger - shite again but deep down in our hearts however devastated we are I think there is some truth in that! We just have to carry on & really have no choice - ultimately it's worse for them, they won't see sunrise or set & no bird song or children's faces - we have to get through it whatever. I am very sorry for your loss, mine is still very raw but you will be ok, be strong, be kind on yourself, & remember all those who care about you (even though their lives seem great & go on regardless) coz they do really care & take little steps all the time - big hugs Xxxxxxx

BigArea Thu 17-Oct-13 01:02:01

Hello again, still awake... this is a lovely and very validating article.

I am a big fan of counselling/CBT (have had CBT for PND, relationship and individual counselling over the last 3 years) hence asking about Cruse - if nobody in your local area you could call them and ask if they can recommend someone, or contact your GP - where I live you can self refer to the CBT service and get 6-12 sessions as needed. Failing that sort of arrangement they should at least be able to give you contact details for someone locally.

Having an hour which is literally just about you is an unusual luxury and gives you the space to unpack everything and discuss it with someone who is not emotionally invested in it IYSWIM. There is no set time when you should stop feeling sad but you may find it helps you to have a bit of time to devote to processing your feelings.

Throughthelongnight Wed 16-Oct-13 23:57:32

No I have not had councelling, I looked at cruse, but there is nothing in my area.

I am functioning quite normally most of the time, but it just hits me every sometimes.

BigArea Wed 16-Oct-13 23:52:17

I must go to bed but you could contact Cruse

BiscuitMillionaire Wed 16-Oct-13 23:52:10

I'm sorry, that must be very hard to bear. You don't need to 'move on'. It's OK to feel whatever you're feeling. Of course you don't want to let her go.

BigArea Wed 16-Oct-13 23:51:21

It doesn't sound dramatic at all. My DSis would leave a massive hole in my life were she no longer here. I have not suffered this kind of bereavement but would imagine that how you are feeling is pretty normal. Have you had any counselling?

Throughthelongnight Wed 16-Oct-13 23:44:57

Thank you for replying. It is such a shock, like part of me is missing. I know it sounds dramatic, but we were so close for so many years, I can't even begin to see my life without her in it.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 16-Oct-13 23:28:29

Perfectly normal. A bereavement is a terrible shock to the system. Most professionals would advise avoiding any major decision making for at least a year.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 16-Oct-13 23:24:17

I'm sorry you are so sad, and I'm sorry your sister died. When my Dad died I found it quite upsetting that the world went on with so little acknowledgment of the big hole where he wasn't. After a while I noticed some days were not so bad, and then some days were ok, and gradually there were more ok days than not ok days. It does get easier. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Would you like to talk about her? What do you miss?

Throughthelongnight Wed 16-Oct-13 23:11:45

So my darling sister died several months ago. It's been a roller coaster of emotion, but mostly I just feel that part of me has died with her. I will never be the same person again and I am struggling to see how I can move on from this.

Life seems to have moved on for everyone else, I guess I just don't want to let go.

Is it normal to feel like this? When does the cloud lift?

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