Sorting everything out...

(7 Posts)
Kafri Wed 28-Aug-13 09:55:45

Hi

My mum passed away suddenly back in April and I have been left to sort everything out on my own. I have done everything I can to the best of my ability and I don't mind doing it for my mum.

What is starting to eat away at me is that I have a brother and a sister who have literally left everything to me rather than help me out.

My brother in law is now hankering after the money as its close to being finalised. They have bought 2 new cars (new to them) on a finance deal cos they knew they would have some money coming to them to pay them off.

I just feel a bit like i'm spending all my time and a fair bit of money going backwards and forwards (they know that out of all three of us, i have the least spare cash) sorting things out while they just wait for their share of the proceeds.

Then I start feeling bad and just think I should just get on with it for my mum.

A family friend, who's close to both me and my sister has seen it all and she said both brother and sister have been a bit out of order with it all and I should think about claiming my expenses before sharing the money out. I feel bad doing that as it should be something you WANT to do for your loved ones, not something you do for gain as it were.

I don't even think i'm asking anything here, or why i'm trying to write it down for that matter.... i'm just getting frustrated at their lack of input I think.

Frenchfemme Wed 28-Aug-13 10:10:25

So sorry for the loss of your mum. Are you an executor? From memory, executors can deduct reasonable expenses from the estate before division, and you should make very sure you are not out of pocket. Disclaimer - not a professional, just going on my experience. Don't let yourself be rushed or harrassed by your brother-in-law (what is it to do with him anyway?).

Kafri Wed 28-Aug-13 10:46:14

There wasn't a will so we had to apply for probate. I made the first few calls so it was just assumed I would continue. When I applied for probate I offered to let them be joint applicants but they just said it was easier for just one of us to do it.

I went to my mums house for the last time on Tuesday. Took a brew and sat 'with her'

ssd Wed 28-Aug-13 18:40:42

I'm sorry kafri. I've been in your position and it sucks, really really sucks.

timetopost Wed 28-Aug-13 20:22:48

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've not been in the same position, but didn't want to read and run. I was the executor for my Dad's estate (I did it on my own, my siblings were unable to help, although one did make a couple of phone calls), thankfully my Mum is still with us, so I didn't have a whole house to sort as well.

Just sorting the finances out felt like a big job in itself. Luckily I wasn't under any time pressure. I found it very difficult to do, emotionally as much as anything. If my siblings had put me under pressure to sort things quicker, I would have found it very difficult. I think unless you are sorting it out yourself, you don't have any idea how tough a job it is.

Please don't feel bad, you can hold your head up high, knowing that you have sorted things out from your Mum.

I'm not sure what I'd do re siblings if I was in your situation. I'd like to think that I'd be able to causally tell them (i.e drop into conversation) how tough I'd found the whole "process" of sorting things out. I'd feel better by the fact that I had said it, even if it made no difference. The last thing I would want would be to fall out (I'd go out of my way to make sure that didn't happen), but I'd feel they should know that it had been difficult.

Sorry for rambling, I hope things are sorted quickly so it's one less thing to worry about.

Kafri Thu 29-Aug-13 05:11:37

It hasn't helped that on top of sorting everything out I have my 8m old son to look after. He was only 3 months when my mum passed away and he was a very very clingy baby with awful reflux so he wouldn't happily snooze time away while I made calls/cleared house etc.

The guy who is buying my mums house has helped more than my siblings - the sale is due to go through and there are a few bits bib the garage I haven't been able to get to the tip in time. He knows I'm juggling it with my son so spoke to the estate agent and told me to leave it and he'll sort the last bits.

I was having trouble getting to sleep at night. I just kept seeing my mum in the hallway (she had a massive stroke and we believe had been in her hallway alone overnight) but this had improved since I went in her house this week and just sat with a brew and chatted to her. I asked her to find a way to let me know if she's ok now so I don't know, maybe that's her way of letting me know?? I don't know what I believe.

I know I feel too young to not have any parents, I was only 5 when my dad passed away and I'm 29 now.

Nepotism Thu 29-Aug-13 05:26:28

Hello Kafri
Sorry to read your thread. Lost my dad suddenly when I was 29 and also did all the sorting out but it was really my way of coping.

Reading your later posts it sounds more like you're still coming to terms with the loss and I wonder if that is making it harder and the stress of the arrangements is almost a useful distraction?

In any event, don't wear yourself out. Is there anything left to do that you could hand over?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now