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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Am I alone in hating 'well at least she met her grandchild' in relation to mum dying

23 replies

PinkPepper · 16/08/2013 07:14

I'm just writing for some support or if anyone's ever felt the same.

My wonderful mum passed away suddenly (she fell on some steps and sustained a closed head injury) almost a year ago today.

All anyone still ever says to me is how lucky I am she met my son, how lucky she was. How I must find comfort in that.

Don't get me wrong I'm not angry at all with these people they want to console me and I would never ever expect them to realise why it gets to me.

So I'm letting off some steam here. He was four weeks when she passed, she didn't see him properly smile, she didn't get to look after him alone which she couldn't wait for and now he's doing so much and she's not here to see. She was the happiest she'd ever been. And yes, it's lovely she'll always be remembered in that way and she always joked she didn't want to get old and frail. But it's like she was so so happy and then it was smashed. Her last conversation was with a taxi driver she didn't know boring him silly about her precious grandson.

Hope this post doesn't offend anyone obviously if it had have happened whilst I was pregnant I'd be thinking different. But I can't help but look at the photo of her holding him and see a thousand unfulfilled plans and promises :(

OP posts:

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Bluebell99 · 16/08/2013 07:20

Oh I am so sorry. That is awful. I guess, people just don't know what to say and just say something that sounds in their head comforting.

PinkPepper · 16/08/2013 07:21

I know I really want to stress I'm not at all upset with the people who say it. Is just doesn't mean to me what they want it, I know this

It's probably what I'd have said myself before

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Mehrida · 16/08/2013 07:23

You're perfectly entitled to feel however you need to feel to work through your grief. One year is nothing. The first year is filled with firsts and it must be exacerbated as you have more firsts than most with having your dc.

That said, although it's so painful your DM didn't see more of DS's firsts, it's clear from your post that she did consider herself blessed to have met him and doted on him.

It is so, so hard. Don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling. But do allow yourself, when people say this, to have a wee smile about how smitten she was with DS, and how wonderful it was to see them together.

She died knowing you'd achieved your dream of having DS and having had his little snuggles against her.

Do you have a nice wee pic of them together to maybe put in his room?

I'm very sorry for your loss.

RememberingMyPFEs · 16/08/2013 07:25

Pink. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's always hard when you lose someone, as from that point forwards there are so many missed moments. I lost my DM last Feb and had my DD 19 days ago.
You can keep your DMs memory and legacy very much alive

MrsBungle · 16/08/2013 07:30

I think bluebell is right - people look for something to say to make it a bit better. My mum died after a very short illness (aged 52) and I found out I was pregnant with my first days later.

She would have loved to be a granny and I hate how she never met her grandchildren (I've got 2 now).

It's a very difficult situation. It's really hard not to have your mum when you have a new baby, I felt alone and it was an extra sadness.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

thedevilsavocado · 16/08/2013 07:30

So sorry that your mum died. Just wanted to say I know how hard it is, my mum died when DD was 6 weeks. This was 10 years ago and all I can say is that you will find a way to live with your loss. One year on is still very early on. Take care of yourself and let yourself feel however you do, including cross with well meaning but upsetting comments from friends! X

HairyPotter · 16/08/2013 07:32

I'm so sorry for you loss. I think people look for something positive t

HairyPotter · 16/08/2013 07:34

To say when someone passes.

My dad died 10 days before I gave birth to his first grandchild, after having a miscarriage the year before. I would have loved him to meet her even it was on a few weeks. He would have been over the moon.

Hassled · 16/08/2013 07:36

I'm so sorry - and I know exactly what you mean about the unfulfilled plans.

What I hope will bring you some comfort in the future is when you start to see glimmers of your mum in your children - I'll see a particular look or smile from DS3 that is exactly my father, or hear DD say something that my mother would have said, and think "actually, they're not very far away at all". And that does help.

PinkPepper · 16/08/2013 07:37

I think maybe a part of me feels awful that I don't find it comforting - because I do know how lucky I am we had those moments. I really do. But I don't find comfort in it, but maybe it is too soon.

I'm so so sorry about your losses.

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HairyPotter · 16/08/2013 07:38

Sorry, I have read that back and it sounds like I am unsympathetic. I'm really not, it's so sad your mum didn't have longer with your dc. There is never enough time.

Losing your mother is so difficult, I find myself wanting to call her and tell her things even 13 years later.

Take care xx

PinkPepper · 16/08/2013 07:45

No no hairypotter not at all. I really hope I don't seem unsympathetic to those that never got those moments, really, I can't imagine that and it must be so hard.
I think grief is just so personal.

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thedevilsavocado · 16/08/2013 07:46

Please don't feel awful, losing your mum is horrible and from my experience it takes a long time to find comfort. I think most people find it hard to acknowledge how crap it is which is why they try to make you feel better. Sorry, I have not expressed myself very eloquently there but am sending empathy vibes your way x

AlisonL1981 · 16/08/2013 07:52

I feel the same. My dad died very suddenly in may. My son was born 7 weeks early, so my dad was able to see him. He was his first grandchild and was so excited. He met him once and held him and then died three days later. Everyone says it was a blessing ds was premature and that my dad got to meet him but it also breaks my heart when I think of him. He knew he'd never see him grow. He'd never have a proper snugly cuddle, see him smile or even open his eyes properly. Everyone says, at least he saw him, at least he got to hold him. I am so glad he did get to meet him, but every day I think about what he missed out on.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I know just how your feeling xxx

QuickQuickSloe · 16/08/2013 07:52

My mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness when DS was ten days old. All our plans vanished in the blink of an eye. DS is now two and I am still so angry that he doesn't have her in his life. It took a long time to enjoy the life we have rather the one we had planned but it is getting easier. I have had to for his sake.

Little flashes of my mum are coming through in him now, he looks very like her and shares her obsession with new shoes. I know he brought her a lot of joy during those horrible dark days and I know that she fought even harder to get extra time with him.

So to me it's not a comfort that they got to see each other and people saying so seems to rub salt in the wound that they don't get to see each other. BUT knowing that she adored him and that he made her so happy does bring its own satisfaction.

I am so sorry for your loss.

BarbarianMum · 24/08/2013 19:22

I'm sorry for your loss.

My gran (mum's mum) died 6 days after I was born. I was her first grandchild and one of the things my mum regrets terribly is that she didn't get to meet me (gran didn't want to worry my mum by telling her how ill she was, and in those days you weren't suppose to leave hospital for a week, so.....).

I think its very hard to find comfort in anything when you first lose someone, but in timethe fact they met may bring you some comfort (my mum is pleased my gran knew I'd been born safely and was a girl but at the time the pain of losing her mother was horrendous and I don't suppose it helped at all).

SirChenjin · 24/08/2013 19:26

I'm so sorry for your loss

I think people genuinely mean well, and want to say something comforting - but when you've lost someone you love dearly nothing will comfort you. It doesn't matter when you lose a parent, they will miss out on so much of your life and that of your children and it's heartbreaking. Maybe in time it will be nice to think that your mum knew you'd had a child, that you were happy and that you were going to be a great mum.

wouldyoupleasemove · 30/08/2013 16:34

First of all, sorry to everyone who has lost a beloved parent. It is a loss that never goes away and the complete joy of raising my children feels slightly incomplete with out my mum to share it.

I understand how you feel Pink. Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was pregnant with DC1. She hung on to meet her, dying when DD1 was 10 weeks old. So many people said 'how nice it was that my mum got to meet her'. It felt so hollow. My DD1 is nearly 3 and so far removed from the baby she knew. Since then I have gone on to have my second daughter. She is the happiest, bonniest baby in the world. A complete and utter joy. I struggled immensely with the fact that she will never know her..particularly around 10 weeks mark. So I do understand but have genuinely struggled more with the loss of mum since I had my second child...

This maybe because lots of people got loads of help with their second from their mums and I didnt have that...and I was of course shattered.
Hugs

wouldyoupleasemove · 30/08/2013 16:37

Quick quick sloe. sounds like our mums were very similar. I know exactly what you mean about plans disappearing in a blink.

It has been very very very hard

whiteandyellowiris · 31/08/2013 10:33

i'm sorry for your loss, i think anything people say to try and make you feel better, actually really just makes you feel worse
and it makes you feel liek people just don't understand how your feeeling

when really they would be better off simply sayign how sorry that are and not saying things to try and make you feel better

baddriver · 31/08/2013 10:40

I think people misuse the word lucky a great deal. Survived a terrible accident? Lucky. Had your house stripped by burglars? Lucky you weren't home.

Bollocks to lucky, there is nothing lucky about it.

Your loss was unexpected, tragic and is profound.

It is hard when others comment on our heartache in a way that doesn't do it justice. I have struggled with others' comments on my bereavements and traumas. One thing I have learned is to try to hear the good intent rather than the words as I do believe most people mean well and, as a culture, we don't do grief very well.

MarianForrester · 01/09/2013 17:49

I can see exactly what you mean, and it makes me feel glad I resisted the temptation to say something similarly irritatingly positive to a bereaved friend yesterday, nothing to be said sometimes apart from that's shit!

epic78 · 04/09/2013 05:49

Sorry for your loss. I guess many people find talking abour bereavement difficult. However, sometimes less is more. Its a bit like the they had a good innings type crap.
I lost my mum 2 years ago in similar circumstances although she was also very ill too. Its absolutely horrid and the fact she had 7 years with my eldest child and 5 with my middle child is no confort at all. Especially as she never met my 3rd. Plus my dad died before all 3 dc were born.
Sorry to all with bereavements.

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