When does it get easier?

[AlisonL1981]

When does it start to get easier? When does the pain begin to disappear? My heart aches.
My dad passed away on the 11th may.
He was admitted to hospital for tests on 9th March.
He was given 6 to 12 months as he had asbestos cancer and it was taking over his lungs.

I was 32 weeks pregnant and was due to move house (400 miles away) on the day my dad was admitted. After making sure he was comfortable in hospital I left a couple of days late. I can still see him that weekend. Getting his stuff ready for hospital, sitting in the waiting room of the hospital. In his hospital room.

I moved house and gave birth a week later at 32 weeks. My son was kept in hospital for 4 weeks.

My mum brought my dad to see him. The journey took its toll on my dad. Me was very weak. He was struggling to eat as the cancer took hold of his throat. He saw my son, his first grandchild in the hospital. He saw my house, he saw my cat. He wanted to see the sea. He could see it from the house but I didn't take him down to the shore like he wanted. He was so tired.

He was admitted back to hospital after the trip. I felt so distant.

We travelled to see him the day before my sons actual due date. He was 7 weeks old. My mum discharged my dad from the hospital and made him comfortable at home.

My dad got to hold his grandson. Looking back, I wish I'd let him hold him for longer. More times. I didn't want to tire my dad out or upset him when ds got upset.

We spent a couple of days there. When we left I held dads hand and said goodbye. I knew in my heart it would be the last time but I didn't want my dad to see me cry so I rushed it. I wish I'd said goodbye properly.

My dad passed away the next morning. We were already home as had travelled back the following evening.

I feel so sad I didn't spend more time with him in those last few weeks. In the last few years we weren't very close and I'm angry at myself for being so distant as we lived in the same house.

It breaks my heart that I wasn't there. That he barely got to see his grandson. That he must have been so, so scared. He held on for us to get there. He must have been so tired. My mum said he was crying when he passed. It hurts so much to think about it. I know he's at peace and no longer in pain now but I think about it every day.

After his passed we decided to add his name to my sons as a second middle name. My dad would never know we did this. I'm cross with myself for now thinking about it before he died so I could tell him. He would have been so proud. I know he was upset the ds wasn't taking my surname.

It's do hard being so far away. If I was still living at home maybe it would have sunk in a bit more as we used to see each other every day.

It's been 3 months and I think about it all of the time. I'm so tired, especially with a new baby too. I want the pain to stop.

I just wanted to talk to him one more time. I want him to know how much I love him.

So many things remind me of him. So many memories. It just doesn't seem real.

I'm dreading his birthday in October and Christmas, which is my sons first so it will be very hard.

I just want to sleep. Sleep for weeks and weeks. I want to be about to shut my brain down.

I hope I haven't gone on too much. Just needed to get it out. X

[pinkmagic1]

Sorry to hear about your dad. I have no practical advice as have never experienced the death of a parent but didn't want to read and run. Your dad got to meet his grandson before he passed and this must have been so special to him however a short a time it was for.

[LottieJenkins]

I have lost my son, husband and father and each experience was different. I have however found that as time goes by I can look back with affection and remember happier times. I still have weepy times when things happen or I hear a song that reminds me of them. I am sending you love and hugs xxxxxx ((())))

[Icantstopeatinglol]

Oh my, I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't know what I can say but didn't want to not say anything.
You've had so much to deal with so please don't be so hard on yourself. You need to save your energy for your gorgeous little boy which I'm sure is exactly how your dad would want it. It must have be hard trying to balance seeing your dad and also not wanting to wear him out.
Alot of things don't need to be done/said, your dad will have known how much you loved him and also he would have been aware how much you had on your plate with your ds especially as he was premature.
Please take it easy and don't think about what you wish you had done and just remember all your lovely memories of your dad

[telsa]

I am so sorry. It is the hardest thing you have been through, but what shines through in your account is how much you loved your dad and he would have known that too and would have been so proud of you and your son. He knew how much he was loved. You must not grieve over that. He did know. You must be so tired with all that has gone on. Be sure that there are others who understand. It will get easier. The pain will not feel quite so sharp. And the sadness means that you have loved and it will ease and turn into fond memories over time.I am not yet there myself either, but, to cite a cliche, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

[allthingspossible]

Dear OP, I feel for you deeply, my own father died just before yours on May 28th this year. It is a terribly difficult time, some days feel impossible, don't they? I don't have the answers you need, but wanted you to know that I know what you are feeling. It is more difficult for you as you have a new baby - try to find the joy in all that brings, hard as it is, I know you can and will. These are the hardest weeks as everyone just thinks you are back to "normal" I have found... Take care of yourself and take a moment each day just for you x

[ChairmanWow]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in very different circumstances (suddenly when I was a teen).

You can't know when it'll get better but it will. I remember feeling like I'd never laugh again, sleep again, be able to think about anything else but gradually you are able to function again and carry on with life, just in a different way. You will get to focus on positive memories rather than just the feeling of loss. Remember that your dad got to meet and hold his grandson. He must have been thrilled and it will have given him some light in dark times. It doesn't matter how long he held him for - he held him. Imagine how special that must have been for your dad.

You have done incredibly well considering the other stresses in your life - a house move and prem birth would be enough to sink a lot of people. Don't be afraid to ask for support from friends and family, and GP, counselling, health visitors.

But above all have faith that life will not always be like this and if you are able to then try to enjoy your precious DS.