Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

I'm just so angry

22 replies

LalyRawr · 05/06/2013 21:55

My parents and brother died when I was 14, I am 26 in 2 months time.

I am still SO angry about it.

I'm angry at them for dying. I'm angry a the driver who killed them. I'm angry at old people because my parents or brother never got to be old. I'm angry at everyone older than me who still has their parents. I'm angry at kids sitting their GSCE's because my brother will never do that. I'm angry that I have to ask questions about raising my daughter because I have no mother to ask. I'm angry that I have Foster parents (as bloody wonderful as they are) because I shouldn't fucking need them.

I want my mum. I want my dad and my brother.

I'm just so fucking angry.

It's been 12 years. 12 fucking years.

Will I ever not be angry?

OP posts:

Report

CocktailQueen · 05/06/2013 21:57

You poor poor thing. No wonder you're angry. It's all part of the grieving process. Have you seen a counsellor? That may help.
lots of hugs to you.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum · 05/06/2013 21:58

No advice or experience but couldn't read and run. What an awful thing to have happened. I think your anger is very understandable. Have you ever considered counselling?

FiaGrace · 05/06/2013 21:59

Oh bless you. I'm so so sorry. I know that's no help but I can totally appreciate why you're so angry.

x

ohmeohmyforgotlogin · 05/06/2013 22:01

I don't know but didn't want to leave this unanswered. I don't think there are right and wrong emotions with grief. Have you had any opportunity to talk this through with a professional or Cruse?

CaptainJamesTKirk · 05/06/2013 22:04

I have no words that could possibly offer you any comfort, but I am so sorry for your loss. To lose one's parents and sibling at such a young age and in such tragic circumstances must be beyond horrendous.

Have you had any counselling? Would some form of therapy help do you think?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/06/2013 22:04

Hell, you have every right to be angry. It's not fair. I wish I could offer you some words of comfort, but I don't actually think we have them in English. Our language is flawed.

LalyRawr · 05/06/2013 22:06

Thank you, I saw a counselling once as part of my fostering. He seemed to just want to shove me into the 'angry teenager' box and I never felt like he actually listened. Have never tried it as an adult, was put off.

I'm normally okay, it's just that the anger is always kind of bubbling under the surface and sometimes it just overflows. Like tonight, this is stupid but I was watching that Love and Marriage and the woman's dad died, and it pissed me off because she was old! How dare she be upset that her dad died, she's in her sixties. Which is, of course, stupid and unfair, but it just made me cry and made me angry.

Why did my dad have to die? Why couldn't I be 60?

I'm sorry, this sounds really childish written down, but I just can't get over it.

OP posts:

MadamGazelleIsMyMum · 05/06/2013 22:10

If it might help, then keep writing it down. It doesn't sound childish at all.

CaptainJamesTKirk · 05/06/2013 22:10

It really doesn't sound childish... It sounds completely understandable. I think talking through your grief, feelings of anger, despair with a specialist in bereavement counselling might help you. I don't know how it works, whether you could be referred to one from your GP or whether you will need to find it yourself, but it may help.

CherylTrole · 05/06/2013 22:14

I can identify with the angry feelings you have. Sorry I have no answers.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/06/2013 22:14

It doesn't sound childish, it sounds heartfelt. If this anger is holding you back or hurting you, then I think you owe it to yourself to explore ways that might make it more bearable. That said, being angry at being denied your family sounds entirely justified to me. Shout, scream and kick shit if it helps at all.

shallweshop · 05/06/2013 22:18

I can understand why you feel so angry. It is a normal part of grief and I have felt it too having lost my mum and dad. The big difference is that my parents died when they were 74 and 84 respectively and I am in my 40's - you have been dealt a very cruel hand and it is not surprising that you still feel so angry about it. I do think that trying again with the counselling route would be a good idea.

blingitback · 05/06/2013 22:20

It's normal.
We are angry when something really bad happens out of our control.. Part trauma and part grieving.
It's so unfair and so final when sudden death happens.
I lost a family member suddenly and I was really angry at old people... Especially stupid ignorant ones compared to my intelligent gentle father.
I m so sorry and recommend trauma therapy as well as proper psychologist based input.

LalyRawr · 05/06/2013 22:25

I think I would find it difficult to talk to my GP. Whenever I start talking about them I cry. I try talking to DD about them, she's only 15 months but I want her to know about them. But when I do, I just cry and then she gets upset and hugs me and pats my back and that just makes me feel worse.

That's another thing I'm angry about. That Dd will never know them. My parents would have loved her, my brother would have been besotted with her. I can totally imagine her having him wrapped around her little finger.

It's just...not fair. You hear stories of shit parents every day and nothing ever happens. My parents were good parents. The best. Why did they have to go? Why couldn't the shit ones die?

OP posts:

Horsemad · 05/06/2013 23:05

Please contact Cruse, they offe bereavement counselling and you may find it more help than your last counselling.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't say whether the anger will ever go but I can certainly understand why you feel this way.

Would you like to tell us about your parents and brother?

QOD · 05/06/2013 23:11

:(

telsa · 06/06/2013 08:42

I understand your anger. Life is cruel. Some of us get hit so much harder and it seems so unfair. That is life's randomness. I suppose all I can say is that these experiences make us who we are. We have only one life each and we have to integrate what happened and make it part of ourselves. I do think that talking about it...to counsellors, online, to friends, to anyone, can help us emotionally. and it is not wrong to feel a kind of envy of others who only lose loved ones when old. We should shout and scream at the world, for what could have been. But you should also communicate to your DD all that you recall of your past as that is the heritage she will take forward and she will love to hear about it as she gets older. Mine do.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/06/2013 09:37

Oh Laly - I totally understand why you are so angry!!! I was thinking about this on the way to work today, some people seem to skip though life in a happy little bubble and some go through such awful stuff.

I was thinking this because DH as lost his mum, dad and now his bro.......I was thinking he is too young at 44 to be going through this but for you to lose them at that age....horrendous!!!

My mum died when I was 39 and she was 72 and I was bloody angry - bitter when I see an old lady thinking why didn't she get that old etc etc......I think regardless of age it's all awful. nI used to think my grief topped everyone elses, it took me a couple of years to allow other people to grieve for their lost ones.

I so agree with your last paragraph, it's always the way.

Tell us about your parents and your brother - would it help you to talk to us about them?

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter · 06/06/2013 10:02

I am in tears reading your post. My Mum died when I was 24 and I had just become a mother myself. I am now 52 and I'm not over it. I don't know what to tell you except to say you are not alone in feeling this way ((((((((((LalyRawr ))))))))))

fedupwithdeployment · 06/06/2013 10:14

I can only offer sympathy - how horribly unfair life can be. My DH at 45 has just lost his Dad who was 79. Everyone is very sad. My Mum died when I was 24 - she was 55. In no way does this compare to your awful situation. I do think that you ought to pursue councelling. I never did, but then I didn't feel so angry as you (understandably do). You need to live your life, and to do that you need to come to terms with what happened. Maybe others will have better advice, but you need to talk to people, professionals, in RL about this.

((()))

SomeDizzyWhore1804 · 06/06/2013 10:22

This is terrible. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

I think anger is normal and okay. You are entitled to be angry: it's a fucking awful thing to have happened.

I know it's cold comfort, but I am thinking of you and wish you all the luck in the world to live a long and happy life in spite of this terrible thing.

blingitback · 07/06/2013 00:46

The intensity of the anger and distress is in proportion( often) to the amount of loss and closeness to those who died

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.