sad jealous dd8

[mmm]

We moved from France to Brussels 6 months ago and dd8 feels homesick for France where she was born which I can quite understand and we have loads of positive strokes/hugs/chats about it, but dd is also very jealous of little dd and says that she's ill on purpose and that I never call her darling anymore or do nice things for her/with her, but I feel as though I'm bending over backwards to accomodate bigdd and she's obviously very upset and it's all very real to her . I'm sure it's the perrenial problem of sibling rivalry and I have read some books about it but living in this day to day difficulty is very undermining. (as I had some bonding problems with little dd it exacerbates my guilt and I feel torn every way). Any solutions/been there bits please.

[wickedstepmother]

dd8 ? Surely she must be used to having siblings being no 8 ? Hang on, do you mean your eighth daughter or your 8 year old daughter ?

[mmm]

Wickedstepmother, please! I mean she's eight years old. That sounds like a new thread - who wins the medal for the most kids!

[janh]

doormat, so far?

[Gilli]

My 7 year old dd (3rd child) has been very jealous of her baby sister for the past year since the birth, and said many of the same things, so I know just how you feel! It DOES get a lot better, but you just have to love big sister a lot in the meantime. I nioticed that she was listening to everything I said to the baby - like darling - so I said lovely things about DD1 when I knew she was in earshot and she fell for it every time! Best of luck

[mmm]

Gilli, I DO that too, my dd doesn't seem to hear all her 'darlings' but you're right, just keep piling on the love - it does help and we've all got copious quantities, haven't we?

Yes , I was astounded to read how many little darlings she's got, I think you're right , Janh.

[wickedstepmother]

Sorry mmm!

Nothing very new to add here but we had a similar problem with StepDS2 (9 at the time) when DD1 (10 months) was born, whereas StepDS1 (10 at the time) took to her with zeal. We did exactly the same things as everyone else here and complimented SDS2 when we knew he was listening. We made an extra effort to keep some time just for him, even if it was just playing for an hour or so, that seemed to help. We also sat down with him and had a relaxed chat about how important big brothers are, and why his sister seems to take up so much of our time, all of which he seemed to take on board. Thankfully he now accepts his sister and loves her as much as the rest of us do.

Your older dd has had 2 very major changes in her life and most kids find adjustment hard. I agree that you just need to pile on the reassurance. IMO it is a phase kids go through and most do eventually get through. I hope that your family comes out the other end soon, best of luck.

[mollipops]

Hi mmm, I have to agree with wickedstepmther, there have been major upheavals for your dd lately so there is bound to a period of adjustment. But I did see something on TV the other day about sibling rivalry which you might like to try. It said to make sure you have "special time" with each child alone and do a certain thing with that child only, whether it is going out for a milkshake together or going to a movie or riding bikes together etc., but make it something you don't do with the other child. The other thing is to find some special talent/ability/characteristic about one child which sets them apart from the other child - it could be artistic talent, imagination, musical ability, "sportyness", kindness, etc - but it must be something you can praise them for in particular. It made sense to me - I hope it helps!

[emwi]

My family moved when I was 9 - at the time I didn't think I was affected but looking back I think I just closed down and suffered grief which I just didn't talk about. Don't underestimate the impact a move like this can have especially combined with the effect of a younger sibling. These are the first experiences in which you learn that things change and are never the same again. Two things have died in your dd's life, her life in France and her life as your only dd. Treat her sorrow as if she had lost a much loved person. Let her know her feelings are not bad or wrong. If you read a book on grieving you may recognise the stages in your daughter - it sounds like she's reached the angry stage! Like any kind of grieving she needs to be able to express the grief but also needs time to get over it. Hope this helps.

[mmm]

Thankyou, Emwi, WickedSM and Mollypops. You've all said supportive and useful things. I moved too when I was 10 from the south of England to Scotland and it was awful for ages so I can really sympathise with dd1. I really like the idea of doing the special things too - we do try to go out just the two of us but don't always manage it, but all these things pay off. I've noticed it gets worse if I'm not Number 1 myself and for the past few weeks I've been having a hypochondriac cancer scare so now I'm feeling stronger I'll be more able to deal with her. One wants so much to get it right and not hurt the darlings or have resentments storing up etc.

[aloha]

I found it helped also to point out a lot how much your baby loves her big sister and really pile on the flattering, - like when the baby's crying saying, 'oh, can you try something, she only smiles for you.' Or, 'look at her, staring at you like you're the most beautiful thing she's ever seen! Wish she'd look at me like that!' And telling other people, "dd2 absolutely adores dd1, she worships her." It doesn't matter if none of this is true. My stepdaughter was also upset and unsure when ds was born (aged 10) and sometimes jealous, but I've really tried to work on the relationship between them and it seems to have paid off. Now she teaches him disco dancing and reads to him and is pleased that his face lights up when he sees her. I also agree doing things without the baby is important (going to the pictures was a big thing with dd and both dh and I take her to see films quite regularly) and I agree she'll probaby want extra babying right now - hugs, sitting on laps etc.

[mmm]

aloha, thankyou. Yes, those are also things we do and say. I 'll just have to apply all those lovely things that we say even thicker!