bullying from the past

[mumsrule]

Hi mums, Sorry this is so long, but i hope you will be able to help me.
I am a 37 year old mum,and have a daughter who is 11. My memories of secondary school are not great, i went to a small girls convent school and suffered quite a bit of bullying. I got through it though, and once i left school i managed to rebuild my confidence. However, its obvious that past memories of bullying re-surface when my daughter has her ups and downs with her friends.
My daughter is in her last year of primary school, she has quite a few friends and seems happy most of the time. She chats with her friends on the phone for ages, and sees them often.
Whenever she comes home with a problem, for instance, a friend has been mean etc. instead of having a rational view of it all, i get worried and all my bullying memories flood back.I take it all out of proportion and i might not show it to her, but in the back of my mind i think "this is it, shes going to get bullied like i did".
Yesterday my daughter went on a 5 day adventure trip with her school, not all the kids went, about 20. She was chatting and seemed fine while we were all waiting for the coach to arrive. When she got on the coach, i noticed that none of her friends had sat next to her. Perhaps it just worked out that way, and she drew the short straw. I felt sorry for her, as it was a 4 hour journey ahead. Again, instead of keeping a rational head on my shoulders, i blew it all out of proprtion, thinking and wondering why she was left out. As usual, i cant help worrying about her, hoping she is ok and not to upset that she got left out.
how do i keep an open mind, and get over this problem. bulliyng seems to leave its mark, no matter how old you are, and how much you try. i know that i need to overcome these hysterical resonses to everyhting that my daughter goes through, but how, and where do i start?

[squinny101]

I was also bullied at school. Mostly on the bus and mostly by the boys. Most of it was general piss taking but once one of them sent round a petition to get me to leave the school 'because everyone hated me'.

I have never gotten over this. If I have ever seen any of those 'boys' in the street or out when I've been out I have basically frozen in terror and kept my head right down. I'm a grown woman!

Anyway, about you. You need to use your experience to help your daughter overcome any bullying that she might face. Tell her you were bullied at school and if she ever had a problem then you would help her as much as you can. Try and keep a rational head I know its hard but aside from the bullying did you remember when you would have falling outs with friends. I did constantly and I always try and keep this in mind when my ds comes home and has had a problem at school.

Why don't you say to her teacher, look I had a problem with bullying and am worried I'm blowing things out of proportion. The teacher will soon tell you if there is a problem.

I am a nervous wreck for my ds. He has red hair, is stick thin and now has to wear glasses. I burst into tears and told dp I was going to start homeschooling him!!!

[KarenThirl]

Squinny makes a lot of sense. I was bullied myself at work about 15 years ago and never had 'closure' on it, and I still feel sick on the rare occasions I drive past my former place of work.

But I do believe I'm a stronger person for having endured it and come out the other side. They say that happiness is the best revenge against bullies so in the longrun I believe I won. I was a bit of a mess at the time (eventually left the job because of depression) but pulled myself up and I'm happy with myself now. Mumsrule, I'm not so sure from your post that you're happy (hope I don't upset you by saying that). My counsellor years ago taught me that being happy is a choice, you can decide to do it by the way you deal with problems now or in your past.

Squinny is right in that you can use your experiences to help your daughter. I've talked a lot with my son when he was being bullied and have helped him manage potential issues because I've understood what he was going through and how difficult it was for him. It's helped him to have someone to relate to.

We also found this book:
www.bookdepository.co.uk/WEBSITE/WWW/WEBPAGES/showbook.php?id=0340911840
really useful for ds (there's a pink version available for girls). It covers self-esteem building, blending in, how to understand the dynamics of changing friendships and lots more. We read it once through together, to encourage discussion, then ds reads it again occasionally if there's something he needs to look up.

To me, from what you've written, it doesn't sound as though your daughter has real problems with friendships but it does seem that you're worrying things out of proportion because of your own past. It might help to talk your bullying experiences through with someone, just to get it out of your system.

[mumsrule]

Thankyou Sqinny and Karen, i think you are right. I am still living in the past and need to overcome it, before i pass these insecurities onto my daughter. It is like i am re-living my own childhood,through my daughter, yet she is fine and has no real problems.
I will have to seek help in how to overcome this. Thanks for the book Karen, i will have a look at that, it sounds very helpful.
sqinny, if you ever see those "boys" or should i say cowards, please look them straight in the eye. It will help you, they cannot hurt you now.