Controlled crying

[Lizzie910]

I have just done my first bout of controlled crying, isn't it horrible. Am I right not to pick the baby up? He is only 14 weeks old and it feels awful to leave him crying like that. I'm trying the new contented little baby book routine, and it was going well but I'm feeling unsure now. Has anyone else tried it (controlled crying and/or the routine)

[Socci]

Message withdrawn

[hercules]

Sorry but that is far too young. It's only meant for babies around 7 months plus.

[vict17]

surely at that age he will be crying for food, or because he's got wind. Also think it's too young. Are you doing pick up put down or anything?

[rickman]

Message withdrawn

[morningpaper]

Don't read baby books until he is at least 6 months old.

Don't read Gina Ford until he is at school.

[hercules]

or left home

[hercules]

or left home

[aloha]

I agree. 14 weeks is too young for 'real' controlled crying. IMO it's fine to let a baby cry briefly before they go to sleep - my ds would ALWAYS cry before sleep when he was small (it was just the way he went to sleep, oddly enough) but he would normally stop in the time it took to walk downstairs and put the kettle on and make a cup of tea. If he didn't I would always go back to him. I'd call that leaving him to settle though, not controlled crying.

[Socci]

Message withdrawn

[Lizzie910]

Thanks for letting me know - I feel even worse now! He went to bed fine at 7, and then woke at 8, and it took 20 mins for him to go back to sleep (thats when he was crying and fussing). Is this controlled crying? I'm so confused. Some books say that babies learn that if they cry they will be picked up and others say you can't spoil a child who is under 1 year.

[hercules]

That's not controlled crying and anyway your baby is far to young for proper cc. It wants its needs met and that's not spoiling it.

[Catbert]

Babies KNOW that if they cry they will be picked up! It's nature's way! Their cry is designed to make you yearn to help - otherwise where would the little mites be?

There are lots of threads on controlled crying - search through the sleep thread. But I have always felt, that the part of the phrase people miss is the controlled part, not the crying!

Babies need to know they havn't been abandoned. It's hard for small babies who still feel part of you to suddenly be left alone.

But I did do controlled crying with DD1 at around the same age, but it was a case of pick up to settle, leaving for a couple of minutes and repeating, leaving it a minute or two longer each time until they are happy enough to doze off. It worked for us.

[Lizzie910]

Thanks, am thinking I will burn the baby books. I've tried the pick up put down technique in the baby whisperer book, but probably haven't persevered with it for long enough to get it right. I buy a book, believe that if I do what it says then everything will be easier, but just end up confusing ds.

[Lizzie910]

I've just found the sleep threads - should have looked there first, there is talk about the crying down period, I realise now that this is what I called controlled crying in my first message, feel abit . Will go with what feels right.

[ja9]

Lizzie910

Ive just realised that i didn't really understand 'controlled crying' either. Thanks to your thread i've been inspired to go do my research! Don't feel . We're all just learning.. we love our babies and aren't going to do them any harm. Good luck!

[singsong]

I would agree with what people have already said, 14 weeks is way too young for cc.
From birth to 3 months old my ds needed a lot of rocking/cuddling to get him to go to sleep and I then had to put him down really carefully otherwise he?d wake up. I desperately wanted him to learn how to go to sleep on his own in his cot. At 3 months I decided to try to break the habit of the rocking. I put him down in his cot awake but I stayed with him and put my hand through the rails to touch him so he knew I was still there. He did protest about it because it wasn?t the usual way he went to sleep but he wasn?t distressed as he would have been if I?d left him. The first time I had to sit there for 50mins (seemed like forever) but he went to sleep without rocking. Then the next couple of times it was 20-30mins and after that it only took 5mins or less. I found that after a few more times I didn?t even need to sit there with him. I think he had just learnt that his cot was a nice safe place to go to sleep. He is 5.5 months now and I never have any trouble putting him down to sleep (he still does wake several times a night for a dummy/feed though)

[Lizzie910]

Thanks everyone for your messages, wish I'd asked before rather than after. It seemed like a good idea at the time, having just read the Contented Baby Book but it felt much better last night giving him a cuddle when he cried

[pm]

Controlled crying has never worked for me Ihad to rock baby to sleep and then put her in cot where she slept through until she starting teething and slept in her cot but woke every few hours and screamed until I picked her up and ended up with her sleeping in my bed. Now at 19 months she sleeps in bed with parents I am going to get her a bed but need advice on getting her into it

[thebecster]

Don't blame yourself, nobody can prepare you for how hard this motherhood lark is. And every baby book is contradictory, and people give contradictory advice, and at the same time you love your baby so much and want to do the 'right' thing. But everything you do is 'wrong' in somebody's eyes. FWIW, here's what we did both 'wrong' and 'right' -

• we created a bedtime routine of bath, massage, bed from age 8 wks, which we've stuck to and I think this was a good idea.
• to get DS to sleep up until very recently I breastfed or bottlefed to sleep, or we rocked, sang, read stories, cuddled etc. this was until he was 6 ½ months old. This was apparently NOT such a great idea, and we should have been putting him down awake. But he was tiny, and I'm still unconvinced that we were wrong - it felt right at the time. But we got no sleep - DS woke every 3-4 hours.
• a couple of weeks ago, after being very 'anti' controlled crying, I cracked up, so exhausted & bought a book called 'The Good Sleep Guide for you and your baby'. We followed the sleep programme (which is for babies OVER 6 MONTHS - I think we were right not to do controlled crying before then). We followed the programme to the letter this week, and for the past 3 nights DS has slept through for the first time in his life. I don't think he was ready to sleep through before this. But not everyone would agree.

This isn't my idea of what is right, it's just what we did. If anyone tells you they know the absolute truth of what you should be doing as a mother, they are not to be trusted.