How can I help him build friendships?

[mugglewump]

Has anyone any advice on how to help children make friends at school?
DS 6 has struggled with friendships since starting school last year, making only a few fragile inconsistent friendships. He is a shy, sensitive child and prefers girls company to boys, which in some ways is a shame as the boys outnumber the girls 2:1 in his class. His two main girl friends each have a girl bestfriend and DS gets extremely jealous and I think causes trouble as a result. I have tried talking to him about trying to get along with the other friends but he retorts 'but she doesn't like me!'. I have tried to encourage him to play with the boys and have boys back to tea but I end up entertaining boy guest as DS struggles to find common ground. I have told him that if he tries to get along with everyone he will have a happier easier life, but his response is to change the subject or just walk away.

I have talked to his teacher who only suggests tea/play dates but DS says no to every name I suggest. I have organised three parties for him in the past year but he rarely gets invited back. DH says DS has to sort it out for himself and I should stop being such a thrusting middleclass mother. Is he right? Should I just accept the status quo and hope that he matures into friendships later on? I feel I will have truely failed him if he becomes a real billy no mates.. But what to do????

[thisisRialifebaby]

no advice, sorry. Hang in there.

We're going through much the same now. DS1 is in yr 6 and his yeargroup has been split into 2, his BF being in the other group to him and having got a new friend who verbally abuses and hits DS if he goes near them (and ir seems said BF enjoys stirring the situation). I want DS to make new friends so he can move on but he says no-one likes him.

I hope someone else comes along with some good advice, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone.

[DoodleToYou]

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[DoodleToYou]

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[mugglewump]

Thanks all of you for sharing your thoughts, advice and own situations. It is good to know I am not alone here!! I did think of Beavers but there is not one nearby so he is on the list for cubs when he is old enough. I shall try some more invitations, but it is hard to know who - so many he describes as 'one of the naughty children' or says 'he/she doesn't like me/pulls my hair etc..'. Like your boy Doodle, he does like school, so it could be worse. I think DH's comments come from his own experience - he did not make many friends at school though has a small circle of very good friends now - and so prob thinks DS is just like him.

[thinner]

My DS4 was having same problems when started reception calss. His teacher asked him to "help her look after" the shy little girl in class. He came out of school really happy and confident, had played with girl all day and was going to marry her. The following day when he came out of school I asked him if he had played with the girl again, he said "No, she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore" !! Even the shy little girl didn't want him!!!
Last week I sent out invites to his birthday party. Invited whole class as DS only named 3 kids he wanted to come. Cant believe the change! Talk about Mr Popular now! His party is the talk of the class! And yesterday, shy girl even asked if DS could come to her house to play! It does get better believe me.

[mugglewump]

Thanks for your thoughts

DS already does gym club, group keyboard classes and swimming, so I think he has enough on his plate. He has done Stagecoach and I am thinking of doing it again next year when his sister is old enought to do it with him.

His teacher does give him lots of responsible jobs to do but I think he does them on his own. (she says she gives him the jobs to stop him from following her around!) I'll try suggesting having a partner for these activities..

[MrsGuyOfGisbourne]

Doodletoyou - your situation is identical to what mine was with DS1 when he was little. But it DOES get better, and mugglewump, your DH is right to some extent - you can facilitate but then he has to work it out for himself. I found that for playdates taking to a specific thing, ike feeding ducks, the playbarn, swings, rather than our house seemed to work better and then the back to house for tea and a video.
My DS1 just only likes certain people, and he now has some very good friends who are nice boys too! Beavers and other non- school activities good -a agree about the twatting football!!!!
Now my DS2 is the opposite, endles social whirl and lots of friends and obsessive about football when the rest of us hat it.... So not environmental - must be genetic or random?

[geogteach]

So glad to hear others in our situation. DS1 6 has had a lot of these problems this year. Until now he has hung out with the girls but seems to be growing out of this in year 2 (they tend to be too busy falling out with each other). DS is also deaf so often doesn't 'get' the latest craze or topic of conversation. Things have recently improved for him a bit mostly by getting on and playing football and collecting match attack cards. Beavers is also great, although his is all kids from school, the addition of boys from the other class in the year and boys from the year above and below seems to make a difference. We have also done play dates with a couple of boys from the year above or below which have been more successful, sometimes I think the mix in a class is just not right for certain kids.

[mugglewump]

Mix in the class is certainly an issue I am sure. DS's class has 18 boys and 9 girls! As a result it is pretty lively and testosterone charged and I think he is just overwhelmed by it all...

[kaz33]

Another year 2 misfit, who though sensitive is always trying to make friends with the tough boys.

Now that his little brother is at school I am going all out on playdates, this week he has had two boys over to play, last week one boy and his little brothers mate one day, next week one lined up so far. It does get harder to get return playdates in year 2 because all the kids have got eons of after school activities and to a certain extent the parents have paired the kids up. But somebody has got to recepriocate she said hopefully!

We have had some totally left field people over to play but all parents like their kids to be invited and everyone likes to come and play at least once . Oh yes and he got a Nintendo DS for Christmas so if it is all going pearshaped they can always bond over computer games

I'll let you know at the end of year 2 whether it is has worked.