Need Advice on DDs (5) temper and nastiness....

[MissusH]

I am at loss with how to deal with dds bad behaviour... She is 5.8 but listening to her you would think she is 15!!

I think the original root is that she has been spoiled by my pils. She is an only child and they looked after her part time when she was a baby until she started school. Unfortunately they do not know how to say no and as a result she has diva tendencies which do not get pandered to at home or with her other grandparents (it is an ongoing battle)

For the past few months her behaviour had gradually got worse and worse to the point where I feel angry all the time . She is fine when she is playing and pottering about but the main trigger seems to be if I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do (normally getting ready for school - brushing teeth, getting dressed etc or at homework time). Then she switches on the temper - shouts back at me, slams doors and is generally nasty. This is also sneaking into other times of the day too - if she gets frustrated if her drawing goes wrong, can't do her coat up etc. She knows it is wrong to speak to us like this but it doesn't stop her...

So far I have tried time-out, withdrawal of tv time, taking her fave toy away so she has to earn it back as well as positive praise when she behaves well to reinforce that this is how we want her to be. (I have given each method time to work - not all methods at the same time!!) I am also trying to pick my battles and not sweat the small stuff.

When I ask her things I explain why we need to do it and why it needs to be done at that time, rather than just ordering her about but she just argues back about everything. Then I end up losing my temper with her, shouting (which is compounding the problem as she then thinks it's okay to shout...) and then feeling crap for the rest of the day.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can deal with this as to be honest I am floundering....?

[Kitti]

I have no advice unfortunately as I'm dealing with a similar problem (which I added a thread about earlier today) Mine is 4.5 and has just strated school full-time and the behaviour is as bad at school as it is at home and I am at a loss how to cope. Mine unfortunately is also agressive and hits and bites and has older siblings that she picks on. If anyone has any advice then I'd be grateful too!!! At least you know that you're not alone - that although you have an only child this problem affects those with siblings too - boys and girls etc. I'm having to meet with a woman at school tomorrow to see if we can come up with anything but I'm terrified the star chart reward system is going to be mentioned and we've tried and failed.

[MissusH]

I'm glad it's not just us

Her behaviour seems okay at school (so far...) so it must be something we are doing wrong

We have also tried star charts without success...

[Kitti]

Unfortunately I always find that the "experts" have a very short list of ideas and when you say you've tried them and failed they look at you as if you're from another planet or your child is abnormal - like "what do you mean a star chart doesn't work"????? I've had health visitors basically shrug their shoulders when I've explained the problem (this was when she was 3) if it doesn't work then they don't know what else to tell you - we're all watching the same programmes and reading the same parenting books after all!!! . It can't be that as parents we're at fault all of the time (I'll accept responsibility for some things because I know I've spoilt her) but other people/children do have an influence as well and sometimes they just know which buttons to press and ok - I'm feeling unable to cope right now and I lose it too often and too quickly - I'm only human and I'm reacting to this bad behaviour - not always the child reacting to the parents' behaviour as everyone claims. Sigh! Hope someone comes up with some good tips we can try. It's frustrating and depressing and making me feel like a failure.

[Kitti]

Worst thing is mine is 4.5 and I keep telling myself "it'll get better when she's 6 or 7" but I know it's not always true - I have trouble with my 10 year old being aggressive too and she's withdrawn - and some of the other posts on here prove that things don't always get easier

[emmaagain]

Alfie Kohn Unconditional PArenting

or (more radical) TCS philosophy

The TCS site is moribund - if you are wanting to explore the philosophy, the best place is either the TCS email list or The Frog Pond

A more buddhist-y approach, quite beautiful, is in the Kabat-Zinn's book everyday blessings

This stuff won't offer you a 'method', but one or other of them might offer you a different kind of philosophy of family relationships. With some children, you either alter your philosophy and your interactions with them, or you spend their entire childhood either fighting with them or trying to break their spirit so they'll comply with your requirements.

[emmaagain]

Oh, or Jan Hunt's natural child project

I'd forgotten that for a moment, but it's also wonderful stuff

[MissusH]

thanks emma - have taken a look and the natural child project looks more my thing (although dh would probably go for the buddhist approach..)

I'll have a go - what have we got to lose?

[emmaagain]

you have nothing to lose but your chains

I'm glad the jan hunt looks promising - they are all similar philosophically, but one or other of the styles is bound to give you the cold heaves.

Good luck!

[cory]

I feel sure this is not an only-child thing. It is so easy to convince ourselves that any bad behaviour is the result of something fundamentally wrong with our family or the way we are. We forget that children also have their own temperaments, some are easy-going, some are more awkward, and the ones were easy-going at 5 may be a total pain when they're 7.

MissusH if your child behaves ok at school but is temperamental at home, then I'd say that is a very good sign for several reasons:

It shows that you have taught her that there is a difference between public and private behaviour- a very important lesson for children to learn. So well done!

It shows she is mature enough to take your teaching on board.

It shows she feels safe enough with you to take out her emotions on you- so you are obviously close to each other (kids who don't trust their parents have no option but to take their anger out elsewhere).

Eventually, if you can hang on in there, keep being loving but firm, you'll get your reward. My dd is a very temperamental person, but she gets on well with other people- and she knows I love her anyway!
As she is growing towards her teens, we are now developing a very close and rewarding mother-daughter relationship, though we still have a lot of clashes.

Btw, I don't want to imply that kids who behave badly in public necessarily have problems at home. Some kids simply aren't mature enough to get the public-private thing at this age; they need to grow up a bit first. It's a developmental thing as much as anything else. I think we beat ourselves up too much.