Difficult 4 yo - aggressive, temper tantrums being mean etc - HELP!

[Kitti]

My 4 yr old is the youngest (other 2 sisters are 10 and 8). Because she is the baby of the family I do feel we've spoilt her, she's had me to herself whilst growing up whereas the other 2 had to share my attention and she has been given her own way as a baby and been spoilt with attention and affection from everyone in the family. From about 2 however her bahaviour because more demanding and difficult. I thought it was just terrible twos and she'd grow out of it. Instead everything seems to get worse. If she can't get her own way she throws incredible tantrums and screams the house down like she's being murdered. She hits and bites and believe me she's been punished by sitting on the naughty step - the older she gets the less she gets her own way and she knows that her behaviour is not acceptable. I worried when the biting phase got bad - she usually reserves it for me or her sisters but one day she bit a friend's child. After that she did seem to stop which pleased me and pre-school never seemed to have any issues with her behaviour at all that they told me about. However she's now at school and recently strted full-time and the teacher is concerned about her behaviour. I feel at my wits end because I feel I cannot control her. We go round in circles at home. She annoys her older sisters and seems to want 24 hour attention and a playmate. I tried playdates with her friends but she was either horrible to them and wouldn't share toys or they were a nightmare and I had 2 unruly kids to deal with leaving me in tears so now I try and avoid playdates at all costs. Her sisters do play with her but cannot handle the way she wants her own way all the time and she'll hit (and has started biting again) them - she'll throw things about and deliberately break things or threaten to break things. It's usually always something trivial as well like she claims the dogs are "hers" and no-one else can touch them and when someone does she completely flips out. She won't ever tidy her room up and demands other people help (we have to because we're trying to sell the house!) she expects everything immediately and keeps badgering and badgering until we eventually do it although we may her say please (she knows all the right words to say when she needs to - please, sorry etc) but it doesn't stop her freaking out or behaving any better, even if she knows she's going to have a toy taken away or sit on the naughty step. Her sisters do flip out at her eventually and just push her/hit her because they can't take anymore and we're struggling to get them to stop. Sometimes even when she's being nice they refuse to play with her because they know eventually something will happen and all 3 will end up on the naughty step. Now the school problem is getting me down. I can't control her at home how do I make her behave at school?? The teacher wants me to discuss her behaviour with someone at the school but if I hear "Reward chart" one more time I'll burst into tears. She knows good behaviour gets cuddles and bad behaviour gets the naughty step but when she doesn't want to behave bribes and star charts will not work. She figures she can do what she wants when she wants and then when she's calmed down and started to "be nice" she expects her reward and the whole cycle starts again. There's no inbetween with her behaviour. She can go form perfectly happy to screaming and crying fit in under 3 seconds over silly things. She's amazingly stroppy and will refuse to do things, folds her arms etc. She shouts that she won't do it and she is being mean to other kids. I've heard her say horrible things like she's going to kill someone or hates them - she definitely has issues wih her 10 year old sister who she hates - yet she will happily play with her if it means she's getting her own way and having attention. She is very close to her 8 year old sister and loves her more than anyone else and I know she hates sharing her with the 10 year old - the 8 year old loves being fought over by 2 sisters and that drives me insane too. I just don't know what to do. I've thought about talking to the school nurse or a doctor but I feel on the one hand I'm just a terrible parent who can't control her child and is whinging because I'm so crap at parenting and on the other hand I'm terrified there's a serious problem and the doctor will just advise medication. I don't want to resort to medication really. That will make me feel even worse as a parent. Although her behaviour seems to be gradually getting worse since she was 2 - it really seemed to jump at 4 - she went to a holiday club with her sisters and she can't seem to cope with other kids annoying her. One boy in particular would not leave her alone and I suspect that it's because she wanted to play with him but when he annoyed her she reacted badly. She hit him in the face with a tennis racket once and another time she hit him over the head with a pool cue - she'd only just turned 4 and I can't say I was impressed with the supervision of the club really but they called me up and threatened to ban her if we didn't sort her out!! Now I feel I daren't send her there anymore - it's getting ridiculous that I can't take her anywhere because we're afraid of how she might act. When we went out for a meal another mother brought her son up and he pointed at my daughter and she said that she had bitten her son we asked her if this was true and my daughter said yes and when we asked why she said because he'd been in her way! Of course we went on and on about how she couldn't act like this and the next day at the holiday club she was fine but it never lasts and just when I think everything is ok she is in trouble again - sometimes the teacher doesn't even bother telling me and it's only if I ask that I find out she's again been difficult. I think the teacher basically feels if she told me everytime then I'd be there every night talking to her.

On a separate note the 10 year old is also problematic. Very sulky, not wanting to join in with groups of anything and is argumentative- also aggressive (see where we go round in circules) and I think she's a little depressed but when I went to the doctor about that I received no help at all except told we'd have to pay privately for therapy - we can barely pay the mortgage never mind therapy. I just want them all to grow up and leave home!!!!

[frazzledbutcalm]

Poor you, you prob feel like you've got the world on your shoulders. Haven't got much time now so will post again later. dd1, age 8 is troublesome, although not as bad as yours, (i don't mean that awful). Everyday is a battle with her and i stick to my word. I think you need to decide a punishment and never waiver or give in. Dn't get into arguments with her or conversations when you're telling her off. Tell her how it is, what her punishment is then walk away and don't go back until time is up. If you clamp down and put her on naughty stair every time without fail and without entering into any conversation it will get better. Not good, just better. Afterwards explain why her behaviour is unacceptable and ask if she understands why she acted the way she did. Also try to keep calm yourself. I normally shout and scream at dd Then i realised she was shouting more and more so i tried staying calm no matter what the situation - it actually works! My dd will never be easy but i stick to my punishment everytime, try to remain calm, at least that way i don't get stress headaches from shouting and she knows her behaviour is immediately punished.

[bettybootoo]

Hi Kitti. Sorry you are having a tough time at the moment. Firstly don't blame yourself for this situation. We are all just doing our best and some children just take a little longer to learn things than others. I have a ds who is the same age and have up and down times with him too. School has not been an easy ride so far but I try to think that some children have trouble with writing or reading and get extra help at school and my son needs a little help settling in other areas and needs a little extra help with this at school. Sometimes I feel very negatively about the situation and find the more cross I am with him the worse his behaviour is. Don't get me wrong I know I need to point out boundaries and I am not soft on him but try to have a day or two avoiding as much confrontation with him as possible and try to do something that makes us both happy so I can see the best in him again. My ds is often impulsive at school and think that only growing up a little bit will solve this but I try to role play with him so that he can see what the teachers will do if he is silly and how pleased they will be if he is good. I use his playmobil figures to act out the parts and he is, obviously, the red power ranger!! Will keep an eye on your posts but don't worry you are not alone and we will be able to recall these events at their weddings just to embarrass them!! Big Hugs

[Kitti]

Thank you for your advice - I had a chat today with a lady at the school and it was like a big therapy session!! All my troubles came tumbling out. I am alittle worried that some of it is down to tv because she adores Power Rangers too - she went from Barney to Dora to POwer Rangers and absolutely loves the whole play fighting and I've not discouraged power rangers at all (though I tell them not to pretend fight because someone will get hurt and 2 seconds later someone gets hurt - big surprise) - perhaps we can just blame power rangers for the whole thing?? still it does make me wonder she is so obsessed with all the shows and has several costumes/dvds/toys. bettybootoo I like you thinking that some kids need a little help with reading etc and your ds just needs extra help settling in - it's not something I had considered before and it's true. Whilst I know star charts etc won't work at home I think they will at school because kids generally like to please other people - it's just their parents they can push over the edge!!

[bettybootoo]

Hope your chat with the school went well. The thing is my ds does not watch power rangers as we do not have satellite tv but he still knows who they are and what they do from his friends at school. He was given the red power ranger as a present by a friend and treasures it so I would not worry too much about letting your daughter watch it as they are influenced in other ways. Hope the star chart at school works. You have shown the lady at school that you care and that you are fully supportive of her and that is all they can ask of you. Hopefully with such a good mum and a supportive teacher this will all pass very quickly. Good Luck.

[Kitti]

Thank you bettybootoo - she's crashed on the sofa at the moment (pure bliss - dread putting her to bed tonite!! Shall leave that one to the hubby. I am really hoping deep down that the school issue is just her settling down and the home issue is a power struggle with her sisters. It doesn't help her sisters not reacting well to her but the lady at the school said she might be able to get someone else to give them strategies for coping with their little sis. Fingers crossed!