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[Kitti]

My 4 yr old is the youngest (other 2 sisters are 10 and 8). Because she is the baby of the family I do feel we've spoilt her, she's had me to herself whilst growing up whereas the other 2 had to share my attention and she has been given her own way as a baby and been spoilt with attention and affection from everyone in the family. From about 2 however her bahaviour because more demanding and difficult. I thought it was just terrible twos and she'd grow out of it. Instead everything seems to get worse. If she can't get her own way she throws incredible tantrums and screams the house down like she's being murdered. She hits and bites and believe me she's been punished by sitting on the naughty step - the older she gets the less she gets her own way and she knows that her behaviour is not acceptable. I worried when the biting phase got bad - she usually reserves it for me or her sisters but one day she bit a friend's child. After that she did seem to stop which pleased me and pre-school never seemed to have any issues with her behaviour at all that they told me about. However she's now at school and recently strted full-time and the teacher is concerned about her behaviour. I feel at my wits end because I feel I cannot control her. We go round in circles at home. She annoys her older sisters and seems to want 24 hour attention and a playmate. I tried playdates with her friends but she was either horrible to them and wouldn't share toys or they were a nightmare and I had 2 unruly kids to deal with leaving me in tears so now I try and avoid playdates at all costs. Her sisters do play with her but cannot handle the way she wants her own way all the time and she'll hit (and has started biting again) them - she'll throw things about and deliberately break things or threaten to break things. It's usually always something trivial as well like she claims the dogs are "hers" and no-one else can touch them and when someone does she completely flips out. She won't ever tidy her room up and demands other people help (we have to because we're trying to sell the house!) she expects everything immediately and keeps badgering and badgering until we eventually do it although we may her say please (she knows all the right words to say when she needs to - please, sorry etc) but it doesn't stop her freaking out or behaving any better, even if she knows she's going to have a toy taken away or sit on the naughty step. Her sisters do flip out at her eventually and just push her/hit her because they can't take anymore and we're struggling to get them to stop. Sometimes even when she's being nice they refuse to play with her because they know eventually something will happen and all 3 will end up on the naughty step. Now the school problem is getting me down. I can't control her at home how do I make her behave at school?? The teacher wants me to discuss her behaviour with someone at the school but if I hear "Reward chart" one more time I'll burst into tears. She knows good behaviour gets cuddles and bad behaviour gets the naughty step but when she doesn't want to behave bribes and star charts will not work. She figures she can do what she wants when she wants and then when she's calmed down and started to "be nice" she expects her reward and the whole cycle starts again. There's no inbetween with her behaviour. She can go form perfectly happy to screaming and crying fit in under 3 seconds over silly things. She's amazingly stroppy and will refuse to do things, folds her arms etc. She shouts that she won't do it and she is being mean to other kids. I've heard her say horrible things like she's going to kill someone or hates them - she definitely has issues wih her 10 year old sister who she hates - yet she will happily play with her if it means she's getting her own way and having attention. She is very close to her 8 year old sister and loves her more than anyone else and I know she hates sharing her with the 10 year old - the 8 year old loves being fought over by 2 sisters and that drives me insane too. I just don't know what to do. I've thought about talking to the school nurse or a doctor but I feel on the one hand I'm just a terrible parent who can't control her child and is whinging because I'm so crap at parenting and on the other hand I'm terrified there's a serious problem and the doctor will just advise medication. I don't want to resort to medication really. That will make me feel even worse as a parent. Although her behaviour seems to be gradually getting worse since she was 2 - it really seemed to jump at 4 - she went to a holiday club with her sisters and she can't seem to cope with other kids annoying her. One boy in particular would not leave her alone and I suspect that it's because she wanted to play with him but when he annoyed her she reacted badly. She hit him in the face with a tennis racket once and another time she hit him over the head with a pool cue - she'd only just turned 4 and I can't say I was impressed with the supervision of the club really but they called me up and threatened to ban her if we didn't sort her out!! Now I feel I daren't send her there anymore - it's getting ridiculous that I can't take her anywhere because we're afraid of how she might act. When we went out for a meal another mother brought her son up and he pointed at my daughter and she said that she had bitten her son we asked her if this was true and my daughter said yes and when we asked why she said because he'd been in her way! Of course we went on and on about how she couldn't act like this and the next day at the holiday club she was fine but it never lasts and just when I think everything is ok she is in trouble again - sometimes the teacher doesn't even bother telling me and it's only if I ask that I find out she's again been difficult. I think the teacher basically feels if she told me everytime then I'd be there every night talking to her.

On a separate note the 10 year old is also problematic. Very sulky, not wanting to join in with groups of anything and is argumentative- also aggressive (see where we go round in circules) and I think she's a little depressed but when I went to the doctor about that I received no help at all except told we'd have to pay privately for therapy - we can barely pay the mortgage never mind therapy. I just want them all to grow up and leave home!!!!

[Kitti]

Sorry - I forgot to add a title to this so I've re-posted the message under Difficult 4 yo, agressive, temper tantrums being mean etc - if you have any advice could you please look for the other thread - failing that please post here!!! Thank you