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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

Help, I am beginning to hate my nearly four year old

16 replies

benjaminsmum · 28/12/2007 19:25

Hi, I have a nearly four year old and a 16month old both boys. ds1 seems to me to be constantly hurting his brother as well as other children. He pushes, pulls, snatches etc. I have tried loads of positive attention, time outs, ignoring it, reward charts and nothing works. This evening he shut ds2 fingers in letterbox, snatched every toy he picked up, pushed him over and bit him, all in half an hour. The worst and scariest thing is that he seems to enjoy it and smiles when you tell him off. I put him to bed without a story and tried to explain to him why but when I asked him to repeat back to me he had no idea and said something else. He never seems concerned about other children and is turning into a nasty child. I feel so guilty that I am beginning to favour his brother as he is so much easier. Other eople are also making comments about his nastiness although they tell me that at at pre-school he is an angel which makes me feel worse as it must be my fault and I don't want to ruin his life. HELP

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notnowbernardimstuffingthebird · 28/12/2007 19:27

Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing? Sounds like he is jealous of his brother?

benjaminsmum · 28/12/2007 19:29

No, at 18mths he would run across a room to push a child over and then run back for no apparent reason. I hope he hasn't noticed I prefer ds2 as it is a very new feeling on my part which is why i am asking for help before it is obvious to him.

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notnowbernardimstuffingthebird · 28/12/2007 19:33

DD1 went through a phase of pushing at about 18m. I think that's really normal.

I think some kids naturally are more 'physical' than others, but agree his level of aggressive behaviour at the moment is high. It must be really hard for you.

How do you respond to it most of the time? i.e what is your standard response to it?

benjaminsmum · 28/12/2007 19:40

time out. followed by sorry, cuddle and get on with what we were doing. I try to praise when he is good as well but this dosen't seem to be having impact. He can be a lovely boy when he is on his own with me or any other adult but cannot relate to children.

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notnowbernardimstuffingthebird · 28/12/2007 19:46

Does he not get on with kids at pre-school? How do the staff manage him if he is aggressive there?

I think I would do the time-out thing, too. Removal straight away, no fuss, no shouting, blah blah... and the positive praise thing, too.

Do you have people over with small kids, to play?

WideWebWitch · 28/12/2007 20:05

It's jealousy imo and will pass. In the meantime stay calm, be consistent, don't leave them alone together.

benjaminsmum · 28/12/2007 20:11

I think he just avoids the children at pre-school. Although he did say he just gets another toy that is similar rather than snatching. No I don't usually have other children over because I am terrified of what he might do but yesterday we spent day with friend with same age child and he was horrid to her when we were at home but fine mostly when we were out.

WWW how do I not leave them alone together when I need to cook, go to the toilet etc, I am also a single parent so no-one else in house to help?

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juuule · 28/12/2007 20:19

How to not leave them alone together? You take one of them with you wherever you go. Toilet, kitchen wherever.
Any time he starts his stuff, remove him from the situation and keep explaining to him why he should or shouldn't do something.
If you are making tea ask him to help. In fact, include him in most of the things you do, if possible, including when you have to do things for his brother.

notnowbernardimstuffingthebird · 28/12/2007 20:21

Right... so he is ok at pre-school, ok when out, but a handful at home. I reckon this is a jealousy thing, tbh. After your attention. Is he old enough to remember you separating from his Dad? (Sorry if being nosey!)

I have also heard that the sibling rivalry really kicks in once the younger one gets more mobile/independent etc (not to mention cuter and adorable)

Mellieandmin · 28/12/2007 20:22

Benjaminsmum - what a terrible time for you. Triangles can be the worst for an attention seeking child and as you are a single parent you are a 3, therefore DS1 does not have another adult to attach to. I have a situation where step-dd will be a perfect angel but when her older sister arrives we get the stupid behaviour including bad behaviour that she knows is wrong just to get attention.

I do not know the answer but if you get one please let me know!!!

Have you tried asking a friend or parent to have ds2 for a few hours a week to spend some quality time with DS1 doing what he likes best? Perhaps if he had this time to look forward to he could be reminded of it in times of bad behaviour? Perhaps it could be a good incentive.

In the meantime, perhaps put a toy that DS1 likes in his bedroom so he can stay up there whilst you cook? Make his bedroom a special place not a punishment place then perhaps he will be ok with being there for 20 mins or so? Take DS1 to the loo with you!

chipkid · 28/12/2007 20:25

My 4 year old was very physical and quite simply had very little self control-if he felt like hitting somebody he just did it! He was such hard work-and dd was an angel in comparrison-so understand how you feel.

He will mature and grow out of it-he will learn self control and will come to realise that time out is as boring as hell.

My ds now 6 is gorgeous, kind and lovely. He will get there I am sure

benjaminsmum · 28/12/2007 22:07

Thanks for all your kind words. No he dosent remember us living together but yes he does have a great relationship with his dad.
I will try to involve him more with what I am doing and try to not leave them alone together it is just that I thought by now i would be able to but see your point that he is more of a threat now he is mobile etc than before.

Chip kid, you have given me hope which is what I really need to continue knowing it can get better!

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HonoriaGlossop · 28/12/2007 23:06

Agree with chipkid, I bet he will be fine in due course. In the meantime i do agree with juule to take one of them everywhere in order to not leave them alone together. 'Divide and rule' is what they say isn't it!

If he has a great relationship with his dad it may also be that he finds the transition hard; having seperate time with parents, both inevitably with different approaches. I've noticed that since my ds was three-ish he has absolutely needed that rough and tumble time with his dad, and I just can't provide that; crap at it, and just not strong enough to throw him around. He may be finding it hard to not have that available every day. just a thought.

I think praise him for every thing you possibly can, and divide and rule and that should see you through this phase.

KTNoo · 28/12/2007 23:29

Honoria that sounds very familiar - my dh is away for quite a while with work at the moment and I notice I'm not good at the rolling around with ds. I'm constantly trying to find ways for ds (4) to burn off energy.

Sympathy to you benjaminmum! FWIW, I have noticed (and friends with boys the same age have too) a change in the last few months with my ds. I found him a nightmare until recently - no strategy I used seemed to have any effect on his behaviour.

He can still be very difficult and I notice a massive letting-off-steam after school. I try to have time just for him but it's difficult with 2 others and dh away, but he is like a different child when on his own with me. I'm sure a lot of it is down to jealousy. I think it's just a case of getting through this - before long they will be more equally matched and you can leave them to get on with it more! One thing that works for me is if ds is hurting/teasing/whatever dd(almost 2) I pick her up and take her away so he doesn't get the attention for the undesirable behaviour. Equally he is praised for being nice to her, and it seems to be happening more often!

Hang in there....

Mellieandmin · 28/12/2007 23:31

my Sister in law has a book called bringing up boys and she says it is excellent, might be worth a read?

benjaminsmum · 02/01/2008 20:02

Thanks for all your advice. He has been alot better since i wrote this. I have tried to seperate them as suggested and get down and play more with them. I think it may have just been a result of the build up from christmas. I have also had a friend and his dd who is the same age around alot in the last week and they seem to get on really well so prehaps it is just jealousy which to be honest hadn't crossed my mind before. So thanks again and what a great website this is to get your advice from.

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