10 month old traumatised at childminders - do we continue to go?

[PhDiva]

DS has been going to a CM now for a couple of months for 2.5 days a week as I have to work. It started off fine, he didn't even give me a backwards glance when I dropped him off. The CM is really nice and very professional. But then he went through the supposed '9 month separation anxiety' thing, and started to cry when I dropped him off - cheered up quite soon apparently. Now whenever I put him in the pushchair to go out anywhere, he starts crying, and I can tell he thinks we are going to the CM. By the time we get there (half an hour's walk), he is screaming. She also says that he cries for a long time now (seems to vomit while there too), and is overly clingly and grumpy while there - to the extent that it is disrupting her care of the other children.

She thinks it might just sort itself out over time, but I feel traumatised by it all too. Will it really be OK if I keep taking him round? Will he suddenly realise its not an unpleasant way to spend the day? Or do you think I should stop right now? This is my first child, so I don't really know when I am being over-protective or too casual about something. My feelings might be compromised by the fact that I was put in (a Charles Dickens-esque) boarding school at the age of five and still remember the sick feeling of watching my mum leave. But then isn't it good for toddlers to interact with other kids, etc...?

any advice appreciated

[Fennel]

I'm all in favour of childcare for babies, all mine went from a young age. BUT, no this fromn what you say doesn't sound right, I would be a bit concerned. I removed one of my dds from a nursery she didn't seem very happy at, after a few weeks, she was about this age. and I put her in another childcare option where she seemed much happier.

Is ds really only like this about the childminder? Does he cry when left with say your DH/DP or another adult he knows? Can you visit during the day without warning and see how he seems then.

It could be something like teething at this age too.

[juuule]

I would look for an alternative. Not much help for you, I know. I wouldn't be happy with the situation you describe.

[emmaagain]

"But then isn't it good for toddlers to interact with other kids, etc...?"

If they want to, yes.

I wouldn't leave my child in a situation they were clearly traumatised by.

[juuule]

I wouldn't be worried about your ds needing interaction with other kids just yet, though.

[BoysAreLikeReindeer]

PhDiva

I am a CM and I would be concerned that 2 months into the arrangement the baby hadn't settled.

Sometimes the 'chemistry' doesn't work.

It's no reflection on you, your DC or the CM if the situation does not improve.

Your CM is correct in that in time your child may well settle into her care, and blossom

It is fine to call it a day and move on.

HTH

[POOKAingwenceslaslookedout]

This is prime time for separation anxiety I think.
Also, at 10months your ds is still a baby really, not a toddler, and doesn't necessarily need interaction with other children.
Your Cm is right, and he may be find in a little while, but it may be a case of looking for another childminder to see whether he clicks with a different one, or to just ride out the storm in the hope that the anxiety lessens.

[HonoriaGlossop]

It's a really difficult situation, you have my sympathy; I do agree that this age is absolutely classic for some real separation anxiety, my ds began to hate bedtime at this age and my goodness he didn't want us to leave him in his cot...

If you have to work then he's got to be left, that's the hardest thing; and changing carer COULD be a wrong path - if you're happy with this CM and she is professional, etc, then changing could unsettle him even more.

Sometimes it's easier for babies to be left by dad than by mum if the separation anxiety is focussed more on mum - could your DP/DH be the one who takes ds to the CM?

I really sympathise, it's so horrible to leave a crying child. x

[PhDiva]

Thanks so much for your advice, guys. It has reassured me that my feelings on the matter are normal - yes, it is difficult as I have to work, but I now I feel I can go with my instinct and pull him out of the situation. Quite what we will do as an alternative, I am not sure. Perhaps find someone who is willing to look after him in our house. do such people have a name (I don't mean an au apair or anyone living in)? Unfortunately, DH goes off to work much earlier than I do, so its not an option for him to drop him round. Also, I think that putting him in an entirely new situation with a new CM wouldn't be right just now as he feels so insecure already with the one he knows. What was the other childcare option that you used, Fennel?

[Fennel]

PhDdiva, first we tried the nursery down our road though I had doubts, after a few weeks dd1 didn't seem particularly happy at drop off or pick up and I wasn't convinced they were really looking after her well enough, she seemed to spend too much time in a bouncy chair not crawling around, so we moved her to a local childminder.

I only didn't say that as I don't generally have a preference for childminders over nurseries, after another year or so dd1 went to another, fantastic, nursery where my other two also went as babies and it was just wonderful. So I don't have problems with nurseries or childminders, it just depends on the exact one, and as Boysarelikereindeer says, on the child too. I didn't really want to get into the nursery v childminder issue which these threads can end up being.

Childcarer coming to your home is usually called a nanny.

[Hunty]

Hi There, Can't you go along when he is there and watch from a distance (obviously so he cannot see you) and see how he is behaving for yourself. I feel your child is trying to tell you how unhappy he is with the arrangement at this particular CM...look elsewhere and re-evaluate, also talk to as many mums in your area for reccommendations. Know it is difficult when you have to work, you have my sympathy and GOOD LUCK ;-)