My youngest DS is 20 months old & is driving me potty...............HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[piscesgirl]

Ok I have three DS, one ten, one 3 and my youngest who is 20 months old. He has always been quite stroppy but of late is getting worse. What makes it harder, I suppose, is my two older boys are so placid and I always felt quite proud of the fact that they were so good. Others would comment on their good behaviour and I would think it must be down to my parenting skills. But this theory has come back to bite me on the bum for being so big headed!!!!! Alas, I feel that some children are just born with that troublesome gene???!!! Whats hard is that after his birth I had PND, so worry that somehow this has affected him. Also I find myself comparing him to them and if he strops in public I say things like "oh hes nothing like his brothers" or "he is my little monkey" that kind of thing. I worry if I label him like that, that he will take it on board and live up to the label as he gets older? He whines, he screams and his strops last forever, in general he drives me crazy. I feel like such a bad mum and also feel guilty for harboring different feelings towards one of my children?? Can it be that I did not bond with him because of the PND, is that what not bonding with your child feels like??????????????

[CarGirl]

I sometimes think I have just blanked out the challenging months of when my older ones were around 2! I am finding my 27 month old very hard work!!!! With her I think in part she truly believes she is as old as her siblings and should be allowed to do as they do and is frustrated that this is not permitted.

Perhaps you need to try and tune in to him/his personality more and see it from his point of view, this has helped me be more calm and patient with my youngest. That and the mantra "this phase will pass"

[piscesgirl]

Thanks CarGirl. Yes I will try that approach. I do try and remain calm with him but it is hard when it feel like most of the day I have been pampering to his every whim!!!!! After about the 100th strop I start to lose my patience! Lets hope his strong willed personality will hold him in good stead for when he is older! Good luck with your little one too !

[CarGirl]

we finally did time out with her this week, took 3 in a row for her to actually do what she had been asked to! She had thrown on the floor all the fridge magnents in temper. She was horrified that after I had put her in time out that daddy told her to do the exact same thing. She has been much better at doing as asked once she has calmed down since. Just wish we'd done it a few months ago!!

She was so indignant that look of "you mean you really won't let me have the banana until I've picked them up" I completely kow what you mean about catering to all those whims though, very very wearing.

[piscesgirl]

We also do time out with our 3 year old and it seems to work with him ok. But my 20 month old little monkey just laughs and runs away back to the scene of the crime and repeats his actions!! It seems like he is too young to understand what mummy is doing and he thinks it is just a game. The last time I tried it was a month or so ago, perhaps I will try again. But TBH, it is not particular naughty things that he does, it is just a general whinging all day long, he seems to think that if he makes this whiney noise I will jump to his attention, perhaps I just need to ignore him.

[CarGirl]

our time out is done in the porch with the internal door bolted shut (it is half glass so she peered looking traumatised that we were ignoring her protests!) anyway this means she can't run away. I guess be strong and ignoring whining but also try and be positive and proactive and include him in doing stuff (and try to accept it will take 4 times longer).

I too loathe whining but dd is not really talking yet so cant whine although the time out incident does prove how much she really does understand!

[piscesgirl]

I am picturing your little one looking traumatised through the glass.... it made me chuckle. Yes that is the answer to ignore and to stay positive..... as I type he standing next to me whining and pointing at things on the shelf, hoping I will start up the usual game of me trying to give him whatever it is he wants off the shelf... usually he does not even know what it is he wants anyway! He had a late nap so is still up, but I think now is a good time to put him to bed! Thanks for the chat CarGirl.

[CarGirl]

some tips I am thinking (dragged up from darkest recess of mind) set up cars in a corner ready for after nap, and then another time trains, or dolly play (if you have stuff like that). Another time get the duplo out etc - make sure you're rotating toys every few days etc

Try and engage him in play so you are responding positively to him rather than rewarding the whining for attention.

I am forunate that dd does play quite well on her own but oh my eldest didn't she wanted interaction every waking minute it was so wearing.

[ally90]

Be stricter with him, don't let him get away with anything. Just had same issues with my 19 mth dd. Whining is v annoying! My dd nap times were a problem she's in between one and two naps a day now and its making her out of sorts. I was also very distracted with other issues recently and her behaviour has deteriorated while I was thinking of my issues. So I became strict with her and its been really good since. If your ds whinges about something he wants just look regretful and say he cannot have it, then suggest something else. If he's doing something he shouldn't, pick him up and take him away if he won't stop, again and again. He will get frustrated and stop before you do (or I hope so!) my dd gets really peed off when I start doing this and soon quits (but she may not be as strong willed as your ds!). Don't give a reaction to his behaviour, look regretful, empathtic, but don't get angry or that is feeding his mood. Admittedly that can be hard!

I too had depression (could have been pnd) and worried so much it had affected my dd and our relationship. But she seems okay, if a monkey for the last 2 months!

good luck with it. Took me 2 days of strictness to make an impact...if you try it, could take longer...!

[piscesgirl]

Thanks for the advice MN's, I know I should stop giving in to his strops. It is always harder to do the right thing though isnt it? I think I am gonna have to sit it out and just ignore him every time he whines or cries for something that he wants. It must be hard for him though, as he sees his older brothers getting my attention by talking to me and as he cant talk yet, the only way he can get my attention is to whine. Bless him!!!!!!!!

So, as the saying goes, tomorrow is another day and I think I am really gonna have to try stick to my guns and stop rewarding him with attention for whining..... wish me luck!

[ally90]

Ignoring him may just make him worse, he wants to know he has your attention. If you engage with him and acknowledge what he wants, then confirm it is something he cannot have, and just maintain contact by interesting him in something else he can have, or just keep refusing what he wants in a calm manner (hard I know) he will be getting what he wants, your attention, at the same time he will be learning his boundries, which in turn lets him know you are interested enough in him that you are watching what he is doing. I'm explaining this badly and I'm sorry if this comes across as critical but I feel ignoring is not always the best way to go. He may go to even further lengths to get you to respond in some way.

I'm sure you will do as your instincts tell you, and if this advice does not sit well with you then just ignore it! We all do things different ways, and some days what we all do isn't the right way for either ourself or our child! Or in my case it was a couple of months!

xx