Death - for a 4yr old

[OrmIrian]

Last night DS#2 couldn't get to sleep. He'd been to a party at midday and had a longish kip afterwards so wasn't tired at bedtime.
So I ended up going up and putting him into our bed and getting in with him. I was using my athsma inhaler as normal and he asked
me why I always did that. I explained that it was to stop me getting ill. He asked if I was going to die so without thinking too much about it I said, that of course I would one day but not for a long long time. Cue floods of tears and hysterical sobbing. I couldn't calm him down for ages. Then he managed to get out the words to ask if I would come back for Christmas and birthdays . At which point I confess that I started to get a little weepy too. I did all the stuff about how it wouldn't be for years and years and by that time he's be a grown-up man and he might even have children himself and lots of other people to love him, and when old people die they will have lived their lives and be ready to die( obviously but I thought it might help).

He sobbed himself to sleep clinging onto me like a limpet. Bit clingy again today. What surprised me was that the concept of death has even occurred to him, and that it upset him so much. IME 4 yr olds don't understand next week that well let along 'forever'. My older 2 seem to have bypassed this - they just accept that 'people die' without really examining the idea and certainly have never beem distressed by it. What else can I do to help him if the subject comes up again? Do you think this came from things that others have been saying to him?

[dooley1]

Have you tried reading some picture books about death with him. Goodbye Mog is a good one

[dd666]

bump

[yaddayule]

Awww bless him

Is he at nursery ? IIRC little boys delight in the macabre and wouldn't put it pass the little monsters darlings to scare the more ermm sensitive ones

Ds had a road safety talk at nursery at about that age and cheerfully informed everyone if you get squashed by a car they bury you underground and the worms eat you

Didn't scare him but completly freaked out his other little friend

Reassure but don't dwell too much on it or he will really get freaked

[yaddayule]

At four they do have some concepts (fil died when ds was that age and he asked if he was going to heaven .. despite the fact we'd never mentioned heaven he'd found out about it from somewhere)

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

Always and forever and Goodbye Mog are two books which might help DS, OrmIrian.

[yaddayule]

I've read goodbye Mog

Saddest book ever .. great if you NEED to talk about it

Sorry for multiple postings !

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

Aw great minds Dooley.. ..I was too busy trawling Amazon to see you'd written that

[OrmIrian]

Thankyou.

I'll have a look at those books. He likes Mog. TBH I would rather steer clear for now as it really upset me too. My parents are getting very old and frail and talking about selling their lovely home where they've lived for 32years because they can't handle the garden any more.... unthinkable just 12 months ago

I'm hoping that he'll forget about it for now. But obviously I'll need to have something ready just in case. It was the fact that he seemed to understand that 'forever' really did mean forever that caught me out ifswim.

[wrinklytum]

Sure it will pass.The death question came up with ds a few months ago when we found a dead mouse in the garden.He was pretty fascinated and kept an eye on the state of decomposition daily.

He also asked about when we die and I did the "one day but not for a long time"spiel

Recently his Dad was very poorly in hospital and at one point very acutely ill to the point I ended up telling ds daddy might not get better.My philosophy is it is best to be honest re such subjects otherwise it can confuse children,if you create a rosy but not entirely honest picture.).Luckily he has rallied,but my MIL is horrified I said such a thing to ds,or even took him to see his Dad in hospital "with all the wires and tubes sticking out of him".My reasoning was that he needed to see his dad,especially when he was so poorly,and if Daddy did just disappear how confusing would that be?

I think by being sensitive and honest you have handled it fine.Your ds sounds like a fabulous and sensitive little boy.Bless him xxx

[Walnutshell]

Mog is good but might break his little heart at the moment. Perhaps you can give it a couple of days to see if the worry recedes..

[wrinklytum]

PS meant to say Cancerbackup organisation do a leaflet "Talking to children about death",which may be useful to explain the concepts???

[pagwatch]

My DD lost one of her friends ( aged 4) last year.
It was difficult obviously but i just tried to be honest. She just actually needed to be able to talk about it and it still comes up sometimes. we just share that we miss him and that it was sad but that it hardly ever happens to children. She also lost her grandad and was still sad but it seemed to mske more sense to her.
I think stressing to your child that you will all probably be here for a long time yet - until he is all grown up - is the reassurance he is looking for.
The main thing I found was to reassure DD that her fears are fine and it is the way things are but we can talk about it.

[sarahsails]

Sorry about your dd's friend pagwatch, that must have been hard.

My DS (just 4) is obsessed by death at the moment- 'Where do you go when you die?', 'Is dying like falling asleep', 'Will you die one day'. Not sure where it came from.

Am just answering as honestly as I can without scaring him eg 'some people believe we go to heaven, some people believe we come back as something or someone else, some people believe etc etc etc' or like you did 'One day I will die but not for a very long time, when I am old'

Tricky one but I think it's normal as my friend's little boy is doing the same thing.

[OrmIrian]

Not just my DS being morbid then sarah. I'm glad - I was a bit taken aback.

The thing is that it has made me think. Like most people I push the thought of death away most of the time. Doesn't help having no religious beleif at all. It would be great to be able to say, and beleive, that we all go to heaven when we die. But I can't