We are becoming increasingly concerned about 6yo DS's lack of physical confidence but don't know how to help him.

[bozza]

DS is in Y1. He is a lovely boy who is doing well academically at school (got a fantastic report) and also seems reasonably confident socially. He has plenty of friends and is OK with new people/situations.

But he has always lacked physical confidence. I think part of it is a lack of physical ability/co-ordination, but not all. He has been like this since he was first moving. He didn't crawl and he was ages before he could pull himself up without the furniture. So if he fell over away from furniture he was stuck. Then he learned to crawl and I remember him crawling over to a rug to pull himself up on - this is the lack of confidence in his own abilities bit. At the time I thought it was just funny.

But over the years I have had to show him and persuade him he can do it on various playgrounds etc. He has been having swimming lessons since he was 3 and still can't swim. He won't move forward, take a polystyrene disc off etc, he panics, which affects his swimming, which means he gets given the disc back. He is very reluctant to practice riding his bike - we took the stabilisers off but DH holds the saddle and DD and I come out so she can practice pedalling.

But he absolutely adores football both playing and watching. He is happiest wearing a football strip and kicking a ball about in the garden. His favourite programme is match of the day, his favourite book (he reads and memorises the stats about foreign players and clubs) is the match of the day annual etc. But he is getting a bit big for kicking the ball about in our sloping garden and it is over the fence quite regularly which is OK atm because the owner is rarely there and he is responsible enough to nip round and get it back, but she is putting the house on the market so it will not stay like this. So I decided to enrol him in a local football club under-7s. DH took him last week and he went off and ran around although taking care not to get into any tackling type situations and we thought it was a good start bearing in mind it was pouring down. Anyway the second one was last night and it was a bit of a rush, but DH took him again and he wouldn't join in at all despite a boy he knows quite well (same class, same childminder) being there this week (wasn't last week). We couldn't get out of him what the problem was. DS is trying to claim that they were late, but DH says they weren't (although they were rushing). DH thinks he is scared of the leather ball. I think that he feels more secure just one to one with an obliging adult who is careful to keep the roughness/speed etc at DS's level rather than a bunch of 6/7yos.

DH is an additional issue. He, IMO, doesn't have enough patience with DS and is not positive or encouraging enough. He says it is because he doesn't want DS to be like him.

Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for reading. I don't know what to do with the football, the bike, the swimming, DS's general physical confidence. I am nipping out to lunch for now but will be back in an hour.

[Marina]

Bozza, the swimming will come. Ds, nearly eight now, at six was just like your ds. He is still not happy about riding a bike so we have not pushed this.
He finally learned to love the water and relax on our most recent holiday - this after four years of weekly swimming lessons that were latterly not happy times for him (but we kept persevering because we do feel that swimming is a vital life skill).
We worried incessantly about ds and his confidence at this age - refusal to climb up high climbing frames, slide down poles etc.
Now he is old enough to join in with confidence and accept his limitations as an athlete - good at cricket and "gymnastics" (don't ask, we really aren't talking Nadia Comaneci here ), confident in the water without being able to swim far yet, prefers scooting to cycling, not one of life's footballers.
I promise that everything will come out in the wash for your ds. Yesterday we went to sports day, previously the source of some angst, and ds had a blast. He had no unreal expectations about winning, his careful ball lobbing technique contributed to a great relay team performance...
Oh and after his baby dsis went hurtling squealing down the waterslides on holiday, he did that too, having gibbered around at the top for some minutes.
Do you happen to have a confident, daredevil sibling around who can artlessly provide a rival? We have never compared either of them in ds' hearing, but seeing dd do this sort of thing with no fear has helped him overcome some of his anxiety.

[Marina]

Forgot to say that you need to have a tender loving word with your dh to remind him that ds is not the same person he was. It's so easy for concerned loving parents to want to overcompensate for their own unhappinesses as a child...we all do it...but he needs to back off. The last thing your ds needs at that bear-pit football class is the sense that his dad is exasperated with him too.

[foxinsocks]

does he play football at school in break times? He sounds like he's the sort of boy that would be best friends with my ds . Loves football but not necessarily playing it formally. It's v common in boys of this age.

I reckon all you can do is keep praising him (esp with the swimming). It will come (are the lessons small enough - perhaps he'd be better off with a smaller ratio of children to teacher)?

I can see how frustrating it must be but I'd be pleased that he loves sport even if he doesn't necessarily feel confident enough to play it in a group setting yet. Maybe as he gets older he will.

It took me half a term of ds crying to get him to join in with football class (I knew he wanted to, he was just terrified). He loved it once he got into it but it was a MASSIVE emotional rollercoaster and when he started school and we had to change sessions, I just COULD NOT make myself go through it all over again. So now I've told him, if he wants to do football, he can do it but I'm not doing the carrot and stick thing any more.

So sadly, he doesn't do it but he does play loads in the playground with other boys and I reckon, when he's a little bit older (he's only 5 now, 6 this year), he'll want to join in again.

[MaureenMLove]

He's still only little, I'm sure with time he'll be fine. I second what Marina said about swimming too. My dd was about 8 when she finally relaxed in the pool. She's 11 now and an absolutely fab swimmer. I'm sure as he goes through the infants and into the juniors he's confidence will grow. No point in pushing it imho, it will only make things worse. DH isn't being very helpful either, as ds will probably be thinking he's letting his dad down if he doesn't get it right.
One more thing, until this year, my dd has always said, 'why aren't I good at anything sporty and what's my talent?' A lot of her friends do gym and ballet etc. She never fancied it, but this year a rep from the sports council went to 'scout' I suppose, at her school. She was chosen along with only 5 boys to be part of the T&G in Sport! I know, I know, most people think T&G is a load of rubbish, but actually, it has boosted her confidence so much and now she is on a special programme that takes her all the way to school leaving age for sport and sports science!

[MaureenMLove]

Shows how much I know, its G&T isn't it!

[Marina]

Still a terrific achievement for her Maureen

[MaureenMLove]

I have a feeling its all about 2012 Marina. She'll be exactly the right age for the Olympics! I bet its a new Talented & Gifted department set up especially! Still, she's thrilled and she's also going to a school that specialises in Sport & Science, so its all coming together for her! Watch this space, the next Dame Kelly Holmes is in training!!

[noddyholder]

My ds was like that and has now finally at age 13 been diagnosed as dyspraxic.can he ride a bike?tie laces?Is he a messy eater?

[tortoiseSHELL]

Ds1 isn't exactly like this, but one or two things struck a chord. He has been very nervous about swimming, and still can't swim without a floatation aid (he's just turned 6), but is gradually gaining confidence through playing games in the water and going swimming outside lessons (with me!). Riding a bike - he is great with his stablisers, he's just got a 'big bike' for his birthday, and when we get a dry day we'll have a go with him. He hates football with a passion, but loves gymnastics.

So with ds1 it's just a case of finding what he likes. Ds2 sounds more like your ds - he is only just crawling (13 months), nowhere near walking, won't pull himself up.

I'm sure your ds will find his own thing, but maybe some very gentle encouragement wouldn't go amiss!

[MintyDixCharrington]

have you considered dyspraxia? Aloha may be able to help - yoo hoo Aloha, does this sound a bit like your lovely boy?

[Jas]

My dd1 was very similar in yr 1. No football or sport interest, but still couldn't swim. At 6 she would only get on her bike (with stabilisers) if I was also holding it, and even then was usually in tears within 100 yards.

She didn't walk til 17 months, and I am sure it was a confidence issue for her, too.

I kept going with gentle encouragement, giving her lots of opportunities to try different activities, and praising her efoforts. She is quite bright academically and accepted that everyone has different abilities.
This sumer (she is now 8) she decided she wanted the stabilisers off the bike and taught herself to ride on her sisters too-small bike (It seeemed to give her extra confidence on a small bike)

She has also discovered cricket, and despite having no ball skills at all, is enjoying sport at last

In her case I'm sure it was a case of children all being different and developing at different rates, so it may help to know your ds is not the only one.

[Jas]

My dd1 was very similar in yr 1. No football or sport interest, but still couldn't swim. At 6 she would only get on her bike (with stabilisers) if I was also holding it, and even then was usually in tears within 100 yards.

She didn't walk til 17 months, and I am sure it was a confidence issue for her, too.

I kept going with gentle encouragement, giving her lots of opportunities to try different activities, and praising her efoforts. She is quite bright academically and accepted that everyone has different abilities.
This sumer (she is now 8) she decided she wanted the stabilisers off the bike and taught herself to ride on her sisters too-small bike (It seeemed to give her extra confidence on a small bike)

She has also discovered cricket, and despite having no ball skills at all, is enjoying sport at last

In her case I'm sure it was a case of children all being different and developing at different rates, so it may help to know your ds is not the only one.

[bozza]

Back now. Thanks for all the very thoughtful replies. I shouldn't really have posted this at work because your loveliness is making me a bit teary.

I have taken DS swimming since he was a baby and he has been having lessons since he was 3 1/2. Until a few weeks before he was 6 I had to either go in with him or stand on the pool side in my costume (great, that one). DH never once took him because DH can't swim and he has a bit of a thing about pools. I occasionally (1-2 x per year) persuade DH to come with us so we can take the children (ratios and all that) to a leisure pool, which he always loves and is much more confident (re getting face wet etc). It is quite dispiriting though watching the children all move up and DS stay put. I tried paying for him to have 1-2-1 at the local pool on top of his lessons but these are held just during public swims and he was very distracted (he is that kind of child ) and I couldn't see much difference. Because of DH's swimming issues we have never really done the round the pool type of holiday, although we spend time on the beach DS is not keen on the sea. But this year I have booked a villa for southern France in August with a shared pool so I am hoping we could have 1/2 day or so. I also wondered about an intensive course in the summer hols. What do you think?

The football thing is a bit of an issue because he really is getting too big for the garden but we are not happy about the street. foxinsocks I don't think he does play football at school that much. I have a friend with a DS in his class and she tells me that the boys who play in the ball area are the bigger rougher ones in his class and he doesn't tend to play with them. The other boy who goes to the football training doesn't either. There is a field by the school with a small playground and lots of the children play after school. He is happy for me to bring a ball and take DD on the swings while I play but I think he is more in control if it is his ball!

Marina I have the feeling that my DD is somewhat more timid than your DD. Although I think the principle is good, and he was much more water confident when we went swimming with a friend and her children.

pph (you are minty?) I have read aloha's threads and discussed physical things with her and DS doesn't seem to have quite the same issues. But that doesn't necessarily rule out dyspraxia I suppose - there are degrees to everything.

DH is I think too heavy on DS. I wondered if I should take DS to football, but I do DS's swimming lessons, DD's swimming lessons, DD's dancing and don't really see why I should take on DS's football - other than that it might help DS.

Another essay.

[bozza]

Just had another thought. DS went to a 2 day soccer school in the easter holidays quite happily.

[LIZS]

bozza , only read your op and you describe my ds as he was (only perhaps slightly mroe so) at 6 and is to a degree now at 9. He is potentially borderline DCD(Dyspraxia) and has had some OT (after a long wait). He dislikes team sports as he can't manage to keep pace while antcipating the others and the ball, and hates any physical contact. His issues affect his physical confidence and fine motor skills (handwriting is a particular problem).

Going to a climbing wall helped him a lot - he could focus on his self control and achievements. He still can't ride a bike , in fact he used to get very angry when we tried to encourage him, but now he has a larger second hand one now(outgrew first without ever learning to ride it independently) and is slowly trying it out. He hated swimming lessons until the age of 7, couldn't cope going out of his depth but has learnt to swim ok now, although most of his group are 2 years younger. dd is 3 years younger and is able to do so much that he could not and still can not do easily.

Slowly , slowly does it. Frustrating it may be but showing that can be counterproductvie. tbh distractability, lack of coordination and inert physical confidence, unusual/late developmental stages may all indicate DCD which as you say has varying degrees in its effect. It may be more helpful in the long term to have that recognised , if applicable, than have him labelled as just not sporty. I used to blame myself for ds' physical caution as a toddler, in some ways it is a relief to now know there was more to it.

hth

[Aloha]

I didn't learn to swim until I was about seven or eight, didn't learn to ride a bike until about the same age. I loathe all sport!
Your ds sounds fine to me. I have a very uncoordinated little boy of my own, and he cant' even kick a ball properly - yours sounds like David Beckham in comparison!

[Aloha]

I don't mean to dismiss your worries - really I don't - but I feel sure we didn't get all this when we were little, or maybe it was different for girls.
Is he upset? Does it make things difficult for him socially?
Physically timid children spend a lot less time in casualty dept IME!

[motherinferior]

I felt much like you about DD1's physical confidence a couple of years ago. It did concern me, because I don't want her growing up distrusting her own physical capabilities the way I did - I want her happy and confident in her own body. Suddenly, quite a lot has 'clicked' for her, and she just feels a lot happier doing physical things.

I think, for her, it was a dance class that tipped it - although she does like swimming class too. What about something like childre's yoga - might that help?

(I swim a mile regularly now, btw!)

[bozza]

now aloha I am sure that David Beckham is not scared of a leather football. Lizs do you really think I should follow it up rather than just encouraging him myself? His class teacher didn't seem to be aware of an issue when I mentioned it at parent's evening, but that was in February, and she had only been in post since Christmas. She said he had climbed to the top of the apparatus in the hall that afternoon. I didn't go into too much detail because DS was there. But his reception teacher had us practicing skipping with him. She has now left though. He is not, not sporty, he spends literally hours kicking a football around, and if he is not allowed out he will kick a ballon or bouncy ball around on the hall.

[motherinferior]

I think that it is a nice thing if a child has a physical activity they enjoy doing. It took me many years to enjoy exercise, and I think I am much better off - mentally and emotionally as well as physically - now that I have found something I like doing. But I also think that if you are, say, just doing things like walking with your child you are doing even more to get them moving.

[bozza]

Just read last two posts. Aloha you are absolutely right, DD is always covered in bruises in a way that DS, at 3, was not. MI we live in the sticks a bit, I can't even find a yoga class for me, let alone DS. I did consider tai kwando (sp?) though.

[frogs]

Bozza, I will say this very slowly because it's important:

H e i s t o o y o u n g !

My late walking but perfectly normal children did the following:

dd1 -- swimming lessons from Reception, group, one2one and intensive, still couldn't actually swim at 8. Then suddenly got the hang and did her gold age 10.

Dd1 -- couldn't ride a bike w/o stabilisers until 8ish.

Ds -- learnt to ride a bike from scratch at 7.5 last Christmas, and is now unstoppable.

Ds (now 8) thinks he can swim, bless him, but maybe 5 metres? And only if there's a floor to put his foot on. For years (years and years) would not let go of the side even with armbands and enough floats to raise the Titanic. And he is actually quite sporty enjoys cricket, rugby, football. Like swimming too, for that matter, or at least the messing about in the pool part of swimming. He won't do formal lessons.

None of it matters. Give him opportunities, let him do what he enjoys. If gentle encouragement doesn't do the trick, then drop it. Life is too short to make your children do activities they don't enjoy.

[foxinsocks]

tae know do bozza

that's great fun

[Aloha]

Dont' know about mr beckham, but a leather football would bloody terrify me