what do i do now

[mummysue]

it seems im always on here for different advice .my new problem is my daughter whose nearly 18 months.she has always been a light sleeper and took me a while to get her in her own room and to drink her milk on her own in her cot.now shes refusing to get in the cot no matter how tired she is.i end up putting her in the bed,lying next to her until she drinks milk and falls asleep.then i transfer her into her cot.Everyone is telling me this is a bad habit so im trying to stop but its torture for me and her.she never cries but its distressing her trying to put her in cot.no matter what i do i cant get her to go asleep on her own.also when she wakes up whrough the night i have to take her in my bed....i know ....i know but trying to get her back is impossible.everyone tells me shes ruling the house and she should be disiplined...am i wrong to want a happy child,or am i just a useless mother?

[mummysue]

few spelling mistakes sorry and forgot to add she never cries except what im doing now as in putting her in cot...its more than crying she becomes hysterical.i even cry to here her.help haha

[thegardener]

i've read some other people mentioning control crying techniques, have never(touch wood)had to really do it with ds - i think they mention leaving child to cry for 5 mins, then going back and reasuring them and possibly keeping the door open for a while and talking to her gently whilst out of the room so she is comforted by your voice. maybe someone else can tell you the proper way!

[TheodoresMummy]

It really is up to you. Ignore people telling you that she is ruling you. Sounds to me like it is specifically the sleeping in her cot on her own that's causing the grief. Is she like this with other things ? Is she genuinely distressed or testing you ? Only you know this. If letting her fall asleep with you is not a problem to you then I would carry on....

My DS slept perfectly until he was 3. Then he started waking up to 8 times a night, not wanting to go to bed, wanting to get into our bed.... I battled for a couple of months, but it just got worse. In the end I let him go to sleep in our bed with me lying next to him, then a few weeks later tried him in his own bed with me sitting near the (closed) door, reading - this is what we are still doing. When I think he's ready, I will try sitting on the landing with the door open and gradually retreat to perhaps pottering upstairs with his door open.

He is a 'willful' child and can be very controlling and stubborn, but I really feel that for some reason he became genuinely distressed about going to bed on his own. Trust your instincts .

[RachelG]

My DS is the same. He's 20 months. He usually falls asleep on my lap while having his bedtime milk, then I put him in the cot (at which point he's fast asleep). If he isn't asleep at that point, it takes me ages to settle him. I keep lying him down and I stay with him, holding his hand and stroking his head, till he finally drops off.

He then wakes several times in the night, and I just bring him into bed with me. I find that this is the best way for both of us to get some sleep!

I tortured myself with guilt over this for ages, worrying that I'd never get him to sleep alone etc. But now I've just accepted it. He's a very cuddley little boy who clearly likes lots of physical contact. If it makes him feel better and happier, then that's good enough for me. After all, it won't last forever!

I got so sick of people telling me it was a bad idea, I just don't tell people any more. I'm a single Mum, so there's no-one else to discuss it with.

My DS doesn't rule the house. I make the major decisions - what we eat, where we go, when we do things etc. I just let him have his own way when he wants to cuddle up to his Mummy at night-time. Not a crime surely?

[MrsMarvel]

I think your little one may be having problems because she's waking up somewhere that she didn't fall asleep. I think she may be having increased separation anxiety because when she goes to sleep she's in a different place to when she wakes up.

If you want her to sleep in her own bed she must go to sleep in her own bed to begin with. Even if you have to stay in the room with her most of the night. Once she's comfortable that her room is as safe as Mum's room, you can start by weaning herself off you being in the room with her.

Does she get anxious when you leave her during the day, maybe with other people, or is it just a sleep / bedtime thing?

[mummysue]

hi thanks to you all for replying.she is a confident little thing.when people come to the door she gladly would go off with them.its just a night time thing.last night we had the same problem.i did try to persaverve.she woke at 12.30am and wanted to get in the bed.i tried to sit her in cot,rub her back,tell her a story....this went on till 2am....she just sat in her cot so exhausted.swaying with tiredness,eyes half closed but she wouldnt give in.....so i did.she broke my heart looking at her.ive decided im not putting her or me through this again.if she wants to get in "the big bed" then she can.if it makes her happy.after all shes the most important thing in my life.just one more question though do you think eventually she will go to sleep on her own,and do you think by doing this later on i will have trouble when shes out of the cot and in her own bed? i do know every child is different but wonder has anyone gone through this.they can send people to the moon....you think theyd be a manual for motherhood,that works haha

[hex]

I think you shld just do what's right for you and your child at any given moment. If you're happier with doing what you're doing, then fine...they're only this young once and if you can manage it, of course, it's fine. It's only a problem when YOU think it is.
She'll soon be at an age where you can reason with her..it'll come around quickly, even if it's not until she's 4 or 5. With our first child, we did the cc technique. With dd2 (24 mths), we're much more laid back, and if she asks to come into bed, then in she'll come. We get more sleep like this. We could train her, I guess, to stay in her own cot but whteher it's now or later, I don't see the difference. Go with your instinct and if you're both happy, don't worry about it.

[lucyellensmum]

our lo used to co sleep, it became a problem for us when she would wake in the night and want to come into the bed again, not much sleep for us i can tell you. I think you are right, you should do what feels right for you, but if you are having to transfer her from your bed to the cot, have you considered getting her a toddler bed? our dd sort of decided for herself she would prefer to sleep in cot, although i have to lie next to her and hold her hand through the bars, cot still in our room so we still have issues. good luck

[auburnmum]

My DS went through stage of not wanting to go to sleep in his cot at aged 2. I finally figured out it was becasue her wasn't really tired and dropped his day time naps. Now he's so knackered he doesn't complain. While dealing with it, I stayed with him until he fell asleep, often singing a repetive lullaby (yawn!),gradually edging my way closer to the door, night by night. It ended with me leaving my boot sticking through the doorway so he believed I was still there (when I was actually barefoot downstairs!). This doesn't work with canny kids though. When my mate tried it, her DS shouted after her "mummy you've left your boot behind!". Good luck!

[lucyellensmum]

auburn - lmao at the boot thing, how funny i think my problem is exactly what you have outlined, my dd sleeps for up to three hours daily and part of my thinks she needs that , 22m but i think it might be time to drop it, of course that means an end to my daytime mumsnet fix

[macmama73]

My sil (one and only useful) advice was to put the DC awake into bed so that they are not scared when they wake in an unfamiliar place. Worked a treat with DD, not so well with DS. Sleepless nights till after he was 2, he wanted milk at nights and sometimes threw up afterwards.

Eventually we did the horrible training, 2 or 3 nights of screaming and crying (me as much as him). I went in after 1 min, then 2 mins, then 4/5/8... so that he knew I was still there. Not long, just to say that Mama is still here and that he should go to sleep. It was not nice but since then he has slept through the night without milk. He never used to go to sleep alone either, that changed too.

This only really works if you are strong enough to see it through. I would not have managed without DH supporting me, telling me I was not a terrible mum.

If you don't want to do this, then just enjoy the cuddles and closeness with your DD. It might just be a phase and in a couple of months she will be ok again.

[RachelG]

I tell myself that when DS is older I can reason with him better, and he will understand more that I'm just in the next room, I haven't left him etc. For now, I'm happy for him to come into my bed if that's what helps him sleep.

As the others have said, it's only a problem if you aren't happy with it. There's no law that says we shouldn't allow toddlers into parent's beds.

When I was little my Mum would regularly fall asleep on my bed after reading me a story, then she'd creep out later. Sometimes I would wake and go into her bed, but this got less and less frequent, and then I stopped doing it altogether. I can't recall what age this was, but pretty young.

It won't last forever.

[Malaleche]

A good solid repetitive routine will help, do things exactly the same every night in the same order, pyjamas on , story, song etc some can be in living room or wherever and then some in bedroom but always the same. You could try reading a story with her in the cot and then leaving the book with her or have a toy 'read' the story and then leave the toy and book with her. One of those lamps which projects moving pictures on the wall might help (tho you may end up having to take it on holiday with you!)She's still very little, it'll get easier...But remember whatever you do you'll have to go on doing it, so make sure you're happy with the routine or taking her in with you or whatever GL

[CoteDAzur]

It all depends on whether or not you are happy with current situation. Then again, if you were, I guess you wouldn't be here talking about it?

If you want her to sleep through the night in her own bed, you will probably have to do a bit of controlled crying. And if this is what you want, do it now, because every month that passes, it will be more difficult.

Put her in her own bed to sleep. If she cries, go in every couple of minutes, with increasing intervals. Just to reassure her that she is not abandoned. She WILL go to sleep when she is tired enough. When she wakes up and cries, you do the same. I promise you that very likely it will take less than three nights of this and then she will sleep through in her own bed. [Everybody I know who has ever tried it got results in 2-3 days]

Good luck