5 year old aggression

[eddymum27]

PLEASE HELP!
my son can be so aggressive and I just can't work out why. We had the educational psychologist at school because he lashed out at his friends randomly unprovoked they said he had low self esteem and we needed to boost confidence so we do a star chart and reward good behaviour and the teacher writes down the good things he's done.

We also make sure he gets plenty of one to one attention doing specific activities from me and his daddy so to rule out him lashing out for attention.
He's improved at school but he isn't the biggest fan of being there and hasn't made any close friends just children that tolerate him I think. Mainly girls that make a fuss of him.

He's had a rough start in year 1 so far socially but teacher says he's doing ok in class although academically he is behind but he's creative.

He screams ( and I mean screams!) when he's told off or not got his way we take toys away and do time out every time consistently but it just doesn't click. We also try to ignore the screams and cries so he doesn't see it as a way to get what he wants but some times we have to use distraction to calm him down like taking him outside.

He just now stroked the cat then just as she was getting comfortable with him he hit and squeezed her. I took away the toy he had so he pinched me.

He has suffered with constipation which is some what managed by movicol, but I'm not sure his behaviour is in sync with any pain as he's usually quiet and submissive when he's unwell.

Most family and friends critises me for not being tougher or even for doubting my own parenting skills but I just don't know what will work coz it seems as tho he isn't learning and I have no control he rarely does as he's told. He says he won't do bad things again but does it the next day or even within an hour. He's destructive and has a short attention span.

He's also still having occasional accidents (wetting) in the day and wears pull ups at night. I feel like I'm failing! Surely the only other thing would be for me to smack him and that is just teaching him that it's ok to hurt others! I don't agree with it but is that why my boy behaves the way he does? Need some support he's my first child and the whole parenting thing clearly hasn't come naturally to me!
Sorry it's long!
Any advice or experience would be helpful thank you

[Believeitornot]

You should try other ways to build confidence? Things like star charts just teach him that you'll only like him if he doesn't misbehave?
When you do activities with him do you ask him questions and show an interest?
Re his constipation - I would be checking his diet. He might be in low level discomfort hence his behaviour. Is he intolerant to anything? Does he drink enough water? Eat enough fruit and veg?

When he screams, you can label his feelings - so tell him you know he's angry etc but he needs to use his words.

How is his hearing?

[allthecarbs]

For a start you are most definitely not failing, take that thought out of your head immediately. Look back on your post. Look how much you love him, how many different things you've tried to help him.
That is a good parent.

I could have written your post a year ago, he sounds so much like my ds.
How does his teacher deal with his attitude? We've tried so many different things with ds bit the thing that has helped most is him getting older and us really laying on the positivity. Sometimes I have to really reach to find something positive to praise him on though!
At first he hated it but now, one year down the line he enjoys being praised and will do favours off his own back just to be told how good he is.

How do you react when he screams or hurts other people/pets?

[eddymum27]

Thank you those are positive responses that make me feel a bit better! His constipation is fairly well managed he drinks a lot and loves fruit :) his screaming his hard to cope with and I have to try and ignore it coz he does it to get his way. Sometimes I do eventually distract him to calm him down before the neighbours call the police or I pull my hair out but try not to reward him or give him attention when he is crying and screaming.

When he's aggressive we usually take him out of the situation take anything like you etc away and give him time out whichever fits best but sometimes he ignores the discipline and even laughs or is silly! I hate shouting but sometimes it's an instant reaction to shout no if he's doing something awful.
Today he scratched another child at school quite badly :( I'm thinking were guna need some professional help! I got so many things in my head with work and home and my boy it's hard to know what to do and when

[allthecarbs]

What have the school suggested? Now might be a good time to contact CAHMS, you can this through your doctor or I think the school can refer him. It's a long wait with them so may be worth starting the ball rolling now.

Have hope, he could start to grow out of some of these habits, or they could become less often. It's definitely worth remaining positive with him and really toning back your negative reaction.

[eddymum27]

I definitely agree without toning back negativity but I get so much grief for not being harder on him when he's aggressive. My brother had adhd and has autistic traits but never diagnosed is that what the cahms do? I definitely need to get more support with him! Thank you

[Summer70]

Hi original poster - please can you update me on how your DS is doing now? I'm in a very similar position with my son. Thanks.