aggressive non-communicative 21 month old ds

[Mrsfullhouse]

Dear lovely ones of mumsnet.

I don't really know where to begin with all of this. I'm very concerned about my darling ds. He's 21 months old and is just... Different.
He only says 1 word- mama. Which means 'i won't' 'i want' 'mine' 'more'... Basically anything except calling for me. He's making no attempt at all at other sounds except... Growling. And I don't mean cute dinosaur roars... I mean very aggressive load growls when he feels angry- which is most of the time, or when he sees someone he doesn't like... Which is just about everyone.
He has the most God awful temper, thrashing and screaming for the tiniest things - too much butter, not enough butter, there is a butterfly in the garden... You get the picture.
He has now started attacking me physically. Scratching my eyes, neck face. Hitting me. Pulling my hair until I cry. Biting me.
He's also started smacking his head repeatedly on the floor or furniture. No amount of cuddling can reassure him. When I'm reading him a book he'll just get down and wander off as if I'm not there.
He's my third... And I've heard 'oh the others are talking for him'... But they are not because he largely ignores them. They are also at school and preschool for large chunks if the time and it's just me and him.
I've tried sing and sign, bath games, just tried loving him into loving me.
I love him so so much. He was such a difficult baby and it was a terrible pregnancy, but sometimes, when he laughs I can forget that he just seems to regard me as an alien most of the time.

What do I do? He's so beautiful and I just want to make him happy.

[albertcampionscat]

and . Do you have any support? What's he like with his dad/grandparents?

[Mrsfullhouse]

Hi there, thank you for responding, I appreciate that it's a beautiful Sunday!
He sees both sets of grandparents at least twice a week, but each time he does its like starting from scratch. It's like he's never met them, but gradually he relaxes and plays- not with them, but let's his guard down as it were.
He's also incredibly destructive. I can't leave him alone with books. Not just ripping of tabs, flaps and pop ups, with the occasional page ripping like my other two, but total annihilation. he goes mad until they are just tiny scraps of cardboard.

I feel so guilty talking about him like this. I just love him so much. My husband understands my fears, but us very much- 'he's OK, he's just quiet'
Even my Mil, who is hard as nails and thinks nothing can't be solved with a stiff telling off and a sleep, pulled me aside and asked if there might be a problem today.

I just feel a bit broken by it all

[notapizzaeater]

Have you spoken to your health visitor about him ? He sounds like hard work

🍷🍷

[Devilishpyjamas]

Does he point to things that interest him using an index finger?

How does he let you know he needs something? (Eg something in the fridge).

[P1nkP0ppy]

Definitely ☕️ and 🍰 op. I do feel for you.
You're clearly worried so perhaps talking to your GP would be a starting point, it could be something needing further investigation.

[Mrsfullhouse]

No pointing. He just stands by things in sink if he's thirsty... And screams.
Hard work is one way of putting it... Making me want to tear my own hair out and drown myself in wine every night is another. I'm exhausted by him. He just won't respond to things. Singing makes him angry. Cuddling makes him run away and stand face to the wall in a corner in the hope that I'll go away.
When we are together as a family, we can be playing a fun game, sandpits etc and he'll be there one second, I'll turn to pay attention to my three year old, turn back and the 21month old will be gone.
He'll have gone into another room and will be playing on his own.... Or he'll have found a book and be tearing it a new one.

Oh God. I feel like such a shit mum moaning, but I just want him to love me back!!!! Crap, that sounds so needy!! He can be happy, but only when he's getting what he wants- which is to be left alone with some toys. It's a catch 22 the more I try to interact with him, the madder he gets... Theore I let him play happily on his own, the less chance of his vocabulary developing.

I've rang the health visiting team and left a message this afternoon. We've just moved areas and he hasn't been seen since 11 months- at which point he was crawling, but not speaking, but at 11 months, not a concern etc.

I've signed him up to nursery for a day a week as I'm going back to teaching in September.... But, well you can probably guess hus reaction.

He screamed for half an hour and the sat by the window looking out until he got bored and went off to find some trains. They said 'he wasn't a mixer, but its only his first day, he'll get into the swing if it...'

But quite honestly, I'm not sure if he will!!!!

I've not babied him and talk to him constantly, whether he wants me to or not, and my other two were stupidly advanced with talking.
I try not to compare, every child is different and all that, but he just seems a bit more different than every other child his age I've met!

Going to sit with dh tonight and lay it down. He's also a teacher, and a special needs one at that, but he totally has his head in the sand as to how difficult ds is.

Dh leaves early and comes home late, so does not see the absolute mess tat the two of us have become. This terrible tug of war and battle of wills that has become my life.
But alsoy sons life. I just don't know what to do

[Devilishpyjamas]

OP he needs an assessment. Don't let anyone put you off. Tell the HV he is over 18 months & not pointing - that should be enough to get him referred to a child development centre or equivalent in your area.

You're not a shit mum - you need to know what is going on so he can be helped. xx

[Mrsfullhouse]

I think when I went to pick him up from the nursery on Thursday was the clincher. All of the other children in the under 2 room came running up, shoeing me things, chattering, showing me their toys and saying the toys names etc...

Ds looked up and then walked in the other direction.

It actually broke my heart and I am crying as I write this

How do I go about starting this sort of thing? I know I should know, but only through school policy etc.
Never even thought of how a parent might start this... Especially with one so so young??
Will they just say he's behind? I don't want to be fobbed off xx

[albertcampionscat]

I am not a doctor and even if I were I wouldn't be able to diagnose anything over the internet. But you might want to ask to have this moved to the special needs board, where there's a bunch of people with a lot of experience. It might also be an idea to google M-Chat, which seems to be the standard initial screening for autism in children. Again, I'm in no way saying that I think he has it or hasn't it (and my opinion either way is worth fuck all) but the m-chat should give you a starting point for talking to GP/Health visitor.

[Mrsfullhouse]

Thank you so much for your replies. Just done the m-chat (thank you for that x)..,

I think we need help.

Going to sit in the garden and think things through... Doctors tomorrow!

[Girliefriendlikesflowers]

Has he had a hearing check? I wonder if some of the frustration may be ears' hearing related?

I also wonder about sensory overload, my dd has some sensory difficulties and trying to do anything with her was difficult as she was so easily over whelmed. Its hard to explain but even looking at a book could be too much for her sometimes.

You def need a professional opinion on him though as the sooner things are picked up the sooner you can start getting some support

[Mrsfullhouse]

He failed his baby hearing check the first time. Passed second time.
Out battery, will reply in the morning!!

[Devilishpyjamas]

Yes the m-chat is useful if they are reluctant to refer on.

The way it is done is different in different areas - waiting lists can be long. You need to tell the HV or GP you have concerns because you have realised the m-chat picks him up as needing screening. That should get a referal to some sort of pathway. Years ago ds1 had a 6 week multidisciplinary assessment - it was very thorough. But different areas do their own thing.

You could also look up portage in your area & see whether you can self refer (or maybe the HV can). They would provide hands on help - maybe start him with Makaton or PECS (for makaton he needs to be able to imitate - not needed for PECS). Imo there's no point hanging around - PECS/Makaton doesn't stop speech etc developing (encourages it). You usually don't need a diagnosis of anything for portage and it would provide you with support as well.

[Devilishpyjamas]

The six week assessment we had included things like hearing checks - it was a one stop shop for all the assessments.

[DobbinsVeil]

I know it all seems daunting but like previous posters' have said it would be wise to get him assessed asap.

You should be able to self-refer to Speech and Language Therapy - different areas have different systems so you may need to dig around your local NHS site. Some areas do drop-on no need to book screenings, my area has an online referral process.

I found the MN special needs board very helpful when going through the assessment process with my DS1 - made me feel less alone and got good advice on books to read.