DP's three boys have always been pretty scrappy, but as they've got older, it seems to have got worse, not better. (They're now 6, 9 and 12.)
We don't expect them to behave perfectly. We expect some squabbling, arguing, etc - when we were kids, we bickered and occasionally scrapped with our siblings. But not like this.
It's come to a head recently. Twice within a week, they were fighting non-stop (and shouting and swearing) while I had family and a friend over. It was enormously distracting, DP was off trying to deal with it the whole time, and I felt deeply embarrassed.
DP is at his wit's end, as am I. We feel stressed by the constant conflict and as though we have no control over having a calm home when they're here (one night a week and every other weekend). We're feeling disinclined to book a family weekend away next year - why pay hard-saved cash when money is tight, for a concentrated spell of aggro?! And for the moment we've decided not to invite family/friends over while they're here - which seems ridiculous, really, but necessary.
It's the older two mostly. The younger one has feisty moments like most six-year-olds. But there's deep-seated animosity between the older boys (we're guessing because Mum has blatantly had a favourite over the years, which has caused default resentment) and we suspect this has a lot to do with it. But of course we can't change or control the dynamic with Mum.
The fighting is physical - punches, kicks, shoves - often accompanied by swearing and shouting. A week ago today, it went on for over two hours with little let-up. It was extremely stressful and exhausting.
I've trawled some old threads on here and found some good advice - zero tolerance, no discussion (I think maybe we've tried reasoning with them too much), separate rooms to cool off, more positive attention, etc. But these threads all concerned younger kids. We can't pick up and carry a stubborn 12-year-old off to another room! I feel they're getting a bit too old to be fighting this much and this intensely, but maybe I'm wrong.
I will be having the boys for a few hours on my own later today and TBH am dreading it. (I do have children of my own BTW so am not a parenting novice! I'm just way out of my depth here.)
DP has spoken to his GP, which wasn't much help; counselling isn't available, and we can't afford private family therapy. Does anyone have any other ideas for what we can do to curb this worsening behaviour, with the older boys particularly, possibly even encourage them to actually like and enjoy one another (and make it easier for us to enjoy them), and reclaim some relative calm in our home?
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Behaviour/development
Desperately need help with DP's constantly fighting (tween) sons
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Dustingaversion · 09/12/2015 10:13
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