Unsociable 10 month old

[OliverS123]

Hi, I've just joined and have been reading other threads about this but felt like I needed reassurance!
My 10 month old boy is quite unsociable in group situations and cries if other babies go near him. He watches everyone and looks very wary. He has just started crawling and will try and get to me as quickly as possible. The mums I meet up with every week have very 'advanced' and confident babies so I just end up feeling worried about mine. I don't really know what to do. Other advice on threads suggests not taking baby to these groups or staying close to baby in these situations. But then other people have told me to take him to more groups/let him get used to people more and gradually leave him on his own.
He also gets very distressed when he passes a stool. I know it's probably all phases as people say and I know I shouldn't worry too much but I wouldn't mind hearing from other mums about their experiences/advice.
Thanks

[Greenstone]

Try to stop comparing. It's a temperament thing. Both of mine have been wary at this age. Dd1 started to warm up around the year mark. dd2 is 11 months and still incredibly wary and shy of strangers - since birth, she has never not had separation anxiety! It's a million times worse if she's teething or coming down with something.

I do know that this is a bit anxiety-making and not altogether enjoyable for you though - oh to be that parent with the cheerful infant who'll go to anyone! It's not something I've ever experienced! Fwiw though, I do think gradual repeated exposure to others is probably the way to go if you can. And small things like sit him facing out if he's going out in the buggy so that he can get used to the busyness of the world.

And if it helps, dd1, at nearly 4, is so independent and sociable that people remark on it all the time.

[OliverS123]

Thanks very much. I've heard that often it's the shy ones that turn into the more sociable ones! It's lovely to hear some feedback from someone who has experienced the same thing. Good idea re facing out in buggy and yes, I think gradual exposure to others is best.

[TheOriginalWinkly]

This is going to be another thread that confuses you. At his age I would say keep him close, keep the buggy facing you. He's a baby, make him feel secure and he'll eventually be confident enough to forge out on his own. When he gets bigger and learns to walk, he'll toddle off and explore happily safe in the knowledge that his 'base' is waiting for him.

My DD went through a dreadful separation anxiety phase from 8 to 11 months. I literally couldn't leave the room. Now she sprints out into the street from music group leaving me to chase after her. She's also very interested in other children now (though still on her own terms, she's 15 months, they don't properly play with other children for ages yet.)

[c737]

My dd was exactly the same at 10 months to the point where I wondered if something was up. I found it really cringey being around other mums with super smiley, sociable babies and dd would just stare others out and then start fussing to leave! All changed around the 1 yr mark (coincided with starting at the childminders 2 days per wk and being with older children/toddlers) and now she's super sociable and loves attention (but still takes a little time to warm up to her audience!)

[Bumpsadaisie]

He is starting to get separation anxiety, its a normal phase. Just been looking at photos of my youngest at 10 months and remembering it was when he started being clingy. It will get worse before it gets better hopefully by the time he is three or four.

If you don't have an understanding of child development and attachment (and many people don't) then it can be easy to think that there is something "wrong" with your child. There isn't:-

1. It's a normal developmental phase. If we were still living in the jungle and our toddlers didn't have this, they would be wandering off and getting eaten by tigers. I don't think its a coincidence that separation anxiety tends to start just as they get mobile!
   

1. It's a good thing - it's a sign he has a secure and deep attachment to you. It would be far more worrying in terms of his development if he was happy to go off with any Tom Dick and Harry without a backward glance (google "disorganised attachment" if you're interested).
   

1. You can't measure "confidence" by how clingy a child is at this age. Indeed those who are most clingy often have the most secure attachments, which is the foundation of future confidence and security.
   

1. The way to create a confident child with plenty of ego-strength and feeling of agency in the world is to be responsive to his needs (and of course firm with boundaries where needed). He is very little at the moment and you don't need to push him to be more independent. It will come in time, and all the more quickly if you don't force it. Its a long process though. My son is nearly 4 now and only in the last 6 months would I say he has really left the separation anxiety phase completely behind. He started to be clingy at about 10 months and it escalated and then gradually decreased after about 2.5 years until now, when I can e.g. leave him at a birthday party or at nursery without him being upset. He is now very confident, quick cuddle and kiss and off he goes.
   

1. Some children are less clingy and more independent earlier on. My son was definitely more clingy and less sociable than my daughter, and took longer to grow out of it. Anecdotally I've heard this is common - that boys take longer than girls, though of course its a mass generalisation.
   

Good luck.

[OliverS123]

Thanks again. All very interesting. Perhaps the irony is that the clingy ones are more securely attached then? I guess the thing is not to worry too much/analyse it and as long as baby is healthy and happy, keep going!

[hippospot]

Sounds normal to me.

I'm a big believer in meet their needs now and help them feel secure. He's still tiny! You are the most important person in his world and you will be for a long time yet.

They are all different. Your child sounds like my two, and I found The Highly Sensitive Child a very useful book. I only wish I had read it four years before I did!