How can I help DH?

[Taler]

Have posted on here before about how DH feels left out at times as our DD (22 months) generally favours me.

I, along with advice from others on here, have tried to reassure him that it's quite natural for very young children to favour their mums. Plus I've said there'll be times in the future where she'll favour him over me.

Tonight he said he feels like a "spare part". It was really upsetting to hear :(

This comment followed an incident where DD was continually trying to do something DH and I didn't want her to do. She was being a typical
headstrong toddler and not listening to our reasons. DH physically removed her from the situation to try and fully get her attention to try and explain the reasons why we were saying what we were saying but he came back frustrated, saying she wouldn't even look at him when he was speaking and that she has zero respect for him. Personally I don't think a not-even-2-year-old can have respect! They're still learning!

Earlier today we took her on the slide and she was "mummy, mummy, mummy" the entire time. I was consciously aware of this and felt bad for DH.

She does have her moments with him but nowhere near as much as with me.

I do encourage her to be more "daddy, daddy, daddy" but I can't exactly force it!

My upset though is for DH. I really don't know what else I can do but I know it's really really bothering him
:(

Any ideas?

TIA

[BackforGood]

How much time do the two of them spend alone together?
Perhaps a regular 'thing' the two of them do - be it a bath each night or a going to the park once a week - will help ?

[CultureSucksDownWords]

Does he have much knowledge of child development? I wouldn't bother trying to explain reasons to a not-even-2 yr old, beyond basic statements like "it's not safe" or whatever. Keep repeating a simple phrase like that, and if repetition doesn't work then move onto removal from the situation and distraction.

Also eye contact is a really tricky one, and it's hard for small children to keep eye contact for any length of time. Particularly if they're feeling cross or whatever. The comment about respect is ridiculous, as she won't even have the concept of respect! Toddlers want to do what they want when they want to do it, as they really can't see anyone else's point of view.

Would he read a book about it? Maybe Toddler Calm? I would also keep reinforcing to him that she's not capable of doing anything to deliberately antagonize him. Any emotions he's feeling are his to deal with, and not her fault.

It sounds like he needs to do something with her on his own that she'd enjoy. Maybe swimming or something like that. Just to make sure that the interaction he has with her is mostly positive and not just being a disciplinarian. Does he try and entertain her and play with her?

[Ekorre]

Sorry this is going to sound blunt... but he needs to get over himself. Being a parent is not about him.

Children attach by forming a strong bond with one person and from this develop bonds to other adults, siblings etc.

[fredfredgeorgejnrsnr]

Nothing wrong with explaining things to a 2 year old - but it really sounds like you're there too much, go away, they need time alone together.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

To be clear, absolutely you can and should explain things to a 2 year old. But not when they're not listening to you and not behaving how you want. At that point they're not receptive to what you're saying.

[Taler]

Thank you for comments.

DH looks after DD 3 mornings a week as I work part time. But he is literally getting himself ready for work and her ready for nursery so not exactly quality time.

He picks her up from nursery too on these days and they have about 45 mins/1 hour together before I get home. DD isn't really at her best that time of day. She's had a whole day of various activities and doesn't sleep as long at nursery as she does at home so is pretty shattered!

The weekends DH does spend time with us but he is also busy with garden stuff and occasional DIY.

He is definitely the stricter one out of the 2 of us but when he is with her he is great and makes her laugh easy enough.

I think deep down he knows she loves him but sometimes it gets too much for him and he feels she genuinely just doesn't want to have anything to do with him!

He says he'll have plenty of times in the future where she won't want to know him (think he's probably referring to teenage years/boyfriends etc!) and that these years he should be the apple of her eye.

Another example is that he sees loads of other toddlers sat on their dads' shoulders yet she hates it (and it has nothing to do with heights!).

I do really feel for him as even though I think some of his expectations of her are unrealistic, the way he feels is real to him and if it were the other way around and she was all "daddy, daddy, daddy" the bulk of the time I'd find it hard too!

[CultureSucksDownWords]

As an adult and as the parent, your DH needs to recognize that his emotions are not the responsibility of your DD. I would challenge him every time he uses the word "should". Why should he be the apple of her eye? Why is he expecting rejection when she's a teenager? That's not inevitable. He sounds unnecessarily gloomy about what is normal toddler behaviour tbh.

Like the shoulder carrying thing - does she like it when you shoulder carry her? Or another adult? Is it really just your DH who she doesn't like having a shoulder carry from? Or does she just not like shoulder carrying at all, from anybody perhaps.

[Taler]

Tbh I haven't tried putting her on my shoulders! Good point. Will give it a go

[fifthcupofcoffee]

Hello Taler.
I think some of the responses above are a bit harsh and I understand totally the situation as our DS1 has always been very mummy focused. I'm now winding down from a nightmare bedtime this evening with DS1 screaming that only mummy can read a story whilst baby DS2 screams with a blocked nose and wanting to BF. DH wants desperately to help but DS1 just not interested.
DS1 is a little older than your DD and I think the main thing at this stage is to avoid allowing her to create division between you and as she gets older and dare I say it more manipulative, you need to back up your DH if she is mean to him, e.g if you are rude to daddy, mummy doesn't like it either. But that's a way off.
I think men (as are women) under a lot of pressure these days to be the perfect parent and it's horrible when a child doesn't do what seems like the right thing. It is beyond the rational for the parent and can be very hard. With my DH I've tried to find moments to say nice things about his parenting, though obviously I avoid sounding like its deliberate flattery!!

[Taler]

Thank you fifthcupofcoffee! A lovely reply :)

I also try to praise DH too and agree about backing him up.

[Ferguson]

Hi Taler -

Surely MOST babies / toddlers will favour the mother over the father; after all, a child is much more the 'product' of a mother, even though the father has obviously played an essential role!

I think it is just something a Dad will have to get used to, and accept; both parents are NECESSARY to raise a child - at least in the ideal scenario - but that doesn't mean both parents are EQUAL.

On a few occasions I have seen your requests for a 'handbook' on parenting; anything by Penelope Leach is probably about as good as it gets:

www.babycentre.co.uk/c539957/penelope-leach-on-toddlers

"Your Baby and Child" is her best known book, and has been updated. (I also notice it is reviewed on MN, though I have yet read the review.

Have you decided on birthday presents for DD yet? And then it won't be long till Christmas . . .

[I will try and PM you sometime.]

[Taler]

Thanks Ferguson. Will check out that link.

Have a list of things I've book-marked for DD's birthday but still open to find others.

I think our main 'present' will be a toddler bed!

[vdbfamily]

tell him that eventally it may work in his favour. Mine are now 9 10 and 12 and they are always yelling 'muuuuuummmmm' if they need anything still...even when dad is right next to them. I really HATE it and tell them to ask dad instead.