talk to me about star charts...

[poshgirlformerlymaggiesmama]

dd (3) is pretty much 50/50 brillant/pain in the... i am alone with her, and sometimes it feels like (and i am aware this is my fault) we are to kids squabbling. i feel like i dont have the requisite authority. the only examples i can think of are running around the room when its time to get dressed, hitting when she is mad, drawing on the table, throwing her plate because she refused to eat her supper and i refused to make her something diff. all little things, but all - it seems to me (feel free to correct me) - connected to discipline and boundary pushing.

anyway... ive tried counting to 3, and taking things she likes for a specified period of time, and the naughty step (does not work with her. because she pretends she llikes it). so - was wondering about star charts. but arent they rewards for good behaviour? can i make it work where stars are dedcuted for being a pita? i guess the attraction is the idea that something - reward/punishment - is cumulative. does that make sense?

would be greatful for any/all advice

nb - she is a shocking sleeper too. so if i could use it for that too, so much the better.

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllpp

[colditz]

I have found that making my three year old leave the room completely has worked wonders!

Honestlt though, if I were you, I would have none of this 'won't get dressed' malarky, catch her and dress her. Hitting, food throwing, drawing on table (also common in this how BTW so don't feel judged!) = get upstairs now.

like you, the naughty step is pretty much ignored, as my stairs are in my living room, it's not much of punishment. If she won't stay in her room, hold the door shut, I have only had to do this once.

I feel she is pushing her boundries with you, you are right, but this means you have to set them quite ridgidly at the moment. Someone likened a child without boundries to being in a dark room with now walls to push/feel against. Terrifying!

[Crystaltips]

how long do you make her sit on the naughty step for ?

When she gets off ...do you put her back ??

who is the boss here ????

[Crystaltips]

If my "boss" kept on changing the boundaries .... I'd keep on pushing and kicking off !!!

These things can take up to 3/4 days of persistent behaviour ( from you ) ..... NOT .... changing your mind if it doesn't work for the first / second time ....

PERSEVERE and don't change your mind for at least 10 days ... as it takes a while to kick in ....

[colditz]

Oh, and while she is upstairs stropping, don't sit downstairs and worry about her, do something fun, and if you can, surrupticiously make sure she knows you are having fun.

[mytime]

Hi poshgirl. I know exactly where you're coming from. my dd is now 6 and has always pushed her boudaries esp. at 3. i too struggled with feeling that i didnt have enough authority and would end up shouting and arguing with her and really behaving like a 3 year old! several things helped me. i read a couple of really good parenting books which gave me the confidence to realise that i was in charge. also gave me some good tactics for dealing with the sort of behaviour you descibe. can let you have the titles if you are interested.

as for star charts ....... i have tried several variations! one that worked for both reward and punishment was to buy 10 small balls (you can get them in party favour packs). everytime she is good she gets a ball and if she misbehaves she gets one taken away. keep them in jar or similar so she can see tham building up. when she gets all 10 she gets a reward. you then start again.

my dd was also a bad sleeper - was up several times a night. in the end we put her in the smallest bedroom and bought a bunk bed which i think helped her to feel more secure - she used to say she was scared - that combined with sorting her day time behaviour out seemed to solve the sleep problem. she was definately alot happier and more secure in herself once she was behaving well most of time.

good luck she sounds so much like mine at that age and i really feel for you as i know how much it gets you down, especially when youre tired from being woken up all through the nite!

[colditz]

I wouldn't bother with a star chart, my three year old used to forget about it. I bribe him with sweets, and surprisingly it works. It may be frowned upon, but it does work.

[TheHighwayCod]

walk away
dont get in to "Yes you did " " no i didnt" rows
refuse to carry on talking baout somethign if she oges ona dn on

fro eg tonight ds3 " i odnt want to go to bed"

me " wlel i am reading your stories if you are there or not
" ds3 complies

[poshgirlformerlymaggiesmama]

thanks so much for replies. the ball suggestion sounds a good one. visable, i suppose.

and i hear you all about sticking with something and not vascillating. and i'm not sure i do that, exactly, i guess i might just loose the will to fight. and i suppose the point is, its houldnt be a fight (not a real one, a battle of wills, i mnea)

so - naughty step. for how long? is bedroom better? what do you do if you are out? do you also stop treats (like watching fun song frickin factory)? what do you do when people tut like you are being too strict? do you just ignore them if hey are being rude? (this feels weird, because i think my mum used this when we were young and played me and my sibs against each other. and i hate it when she says, if my dd is being naughty 'you dont deserve x, i'll give it to your cousin'. seems to set up unnec conflict between them)

thanks for taking the time to reply

[colditz]

3 minutes for a 3 year old. If people tut, you could either ignore them or invite them to come and deal with her all day while you go to bed and get your nails done. Tutting is easy. Childrearing isn't.

When they are being rude, nagging, whining etc - tell them you will talk to them when they can use a nice voice and say please politely, using their good manners. Then don't react to them in any way until they do speak to you nicely. Don't look, don't tell off, don't engage in conversation. They will likely kick off and do something really naughty to get a reaction, but I wouldn't react much to that either, other than to physically stop them doing it.

[mytime]

try saying that if she is good while you are out then she can watch tele when you get back - keep praising her for the good things she does, i keep up a running commentary " you are holding my hand so nicely" you are standing quietly with mummy" etc. also try just stopping if she misbehaves when you're out and saying that you can't move until she stops whatever it is, when my ds plays up i stop and say i'll carry on when he is ready to behave, and then just look very bored and uninterested. when people look and me and tut i just think they'd really be looking if i was smacking or shouting at him instead! kids are looking for a reaction and if you don't react and show you are angry or wound up then they soon stop. although they can get worse before getting better. give her lots of attention when she's behaving well and minimal attention when she's not!

[poshgirlformerlymaggiesmama]

thanks very much for all the advice. makes sense when you say it, dont know why i couldnt figure this out for myself...