I need a strategy to deal with strong willed 3yo

[Somanyrewardpoints]

I have a 3 year old boy who is very strong willed. Sometimes when he wants to do something, he will do it, no matter what form of discipline I try.

As an example getting him dressed in a morning is very difficult. He will refuse to get dressed and runs away to another part of the house. It can take twenty minutes to get him fully dressed because after every item of clothing he does a runner and I have to chase him round the house.

I've been looking at a few parenting books and I've tried their various strategies but nothing seems to make a difference.

I've tried the 'Spirited Child' approach of sympathising with his unwillingness to get dressed, getting down to his level, suggesting ways he could help to get himself dressed etc etc. He isn't interested.

I've tried the stricter approach and have tried putting him in a time out. Sometimes this upsets him and he says sorry, but he will do the exact same thing a minute later. Other times he isn't remotely bothered by the time out and I think he'd sit there for an hour if I let him.

I've tried explaining to him that by not getting dressed he is working against his own interest and won't get to go out (in toddler friendly terms obviously). It doesn't work.

I get a similar sort of pattern in other situations. We had a meal out the other day and he refused to sit down at the table. He wanted to run around. We hadn't been served yet so I tried the spirited child approach and took him into the restaurant garden, which was empty, to run around. This wasn't good enough for him and wanted to run around back and forth to the table. I tried taking him to one side and calmly explaining why he couldn't do that. It made no difference. I tried putting him in a time out but he didn't care.

I need some new ideas about how to handle him when he is in this state of mind.

[Welshwabbit]

This isn't a general strategy (although I suppose it could be worked into one), but have you tried timing getting dressed and attempting to beat his "record"? We have done this with my son who is also 3 and a reluctant dresser. At first we just timed me dressing him; now he has to do bits on his own. He still moans about getting dressed but it goes much more smoothly most of the time.

[MyPastLife]

I had one like this
It was exhausting
In respect of the dressing, I ended up going "ok, you want it to be your choice, you live with the consequences" - she got cold and we went a few places in her pjs - but she quickly came around to putting her clothes on - for this approach though you have to be strong and not give them a jacket or carry them because they don't have shoes on etc - it only works if they truly have to live with the consequences of their decision

[MyPastLife]

Another way is very visual - get a glass jar and some big beads - determine something he desperately wants - tell him that when the jar is full of beads, he gets [what he desperately wants] and tell him that each time he does what you asks without fighting with you / running off / [insert whatever behavior you want] you'll put a bead in the jar - give beads willingly and often - it's very effective because they can see instant profession

[MyPastLife]

Progression not profession

[odyssey2001]

We had this and we went down the natural consequence route.

Won't get dressed? Sand timer goes on (10 minutes) and when it has run out, we would go out however he was dressed. We once went to nursery in pants and vest and got dressed in the nursery toilet. He never did that again.

Wont put on shoes? Go out in socks, even in the rain (but I do take spare socks with me).

Won't wash hands? They day completely stops until he washes hands and if it is before dinner, we will start eating without him

Also, we don't help him at all. It is his responsibility to get dressed / put on shoes / wash hands etc.

[odyssey2001]

In regards to the meal out, it depends on if you had ordered. If you had not ordered yet and the run around and time out didn't work then I would have left. If I had already ordered, I would have probably escalated to a time out in the car if it was near by. If you know this is likely, pick a restaurant where you can sit within sight of the car eat so you can eat while he is contained. After a few minutes (once the screaming has stopped) being him back to the treble to try again. Eating somewhere with a garden might be a good idea if this is a common occurrence.

[Opipjo]

I have a similar 3 year old DS. Although he doesn't run off, he just throws himself on the floor and has a tantrum over anything he doesn't want to do..or wants to do, but we won't let him.

Getting dressed we've got it down to racing his big brother to get dressed...i do help him a bit though. But still alot better than it used to be.

When we go out, we talk about where we're going and what we're going to do. So if going for a meal, we'll say we're going for some food and we're going to sit at a table and do some colouring or read stories etc and eat.



Otherwise, i think my ds is just generally predisposed to being 'tantrummy', he also has delayed speech which i don't think helps. Incredibly draining ... but i'm sure it's a phase and he'll grow out of it ;)

[NessaWH123]

Opipjo I have a similar child who is just over two and he has delayed speech. He tantrums over a lot of things a lot of the day and it is indeed very draining and wearing me out. I hope my LO is also going through a phase but it seems a very long one!!! How long does it last does anyone know?

[Cabawill]

Mine has just turned into a spirited 4 year old but we also use a mixture of "racing" against her big brother/me/an alarm and taking her out as she is even if she isn't dressed properly.

I go in and offer to help in the first instance and if she starts messing about I give her one warning and then leave her to get dressed and set the alarm.

You really do have to be prepared to be pretty firm and actually take them out in PJ's or no trousers else it doesn't work.

[Opipjo]

Nessa - ds is 3 1/2 - so i'll give you a shout when he gets a bit more...compliant. I do remember thinking "it's a phase and will end soon", this time last year - which is pretty disappointing!

[Somanyrewardpoints]

Thank you everyone for your advice, I will certainly give it a try.

[NessaWH123]

Ahhh that's notvgreat news opipjo!!! God that's longer than I hoped t keep this up:( xxx