Parents of five year olds: Can you let me know if your child is like this?

[Singlegaymumofonetoddler]

Can I just check what the normal levels of ego-centric behaviour are in 5 year olds? My step daughter has just turned five and she seems to me to be entirely self centred/selfish. I am willing to fully accept that this is just how all five year olds are, and so I'd love to hear your stories about your five year olds to compare.
I suppose what I need to know is is it worth us trying to discourage her selfish behaviour if it is her personality/learned behaviour, or if it's just normal for five year olds to be like this then just to wait for this phase to pass?
Examples being: She never shares, hates anyone having anything she doesn't, always has to go first, hates any attention not being on herself, never says please or thank you and doesn't care at all if anyone else is upset because of her actions.
I'm not being nasty, or bitchy, just being factual and just asking if this is normal for a five year old or if there's a chance to nip it in the bud.
If it's not normal, how do we change it?

[MrsPear]

ERM wow .... is that really how she is all the time? Sorry if this not appropriate but what about her other parent what do they say? Her school too must have picked up on it.
In my son's school it is always framed as non kind words or non kind actions. I don't let mine have something without the magic word ... even my two year knows to say please or if he forgets to say please then i ask what is the magic word? then i say now say thank you.
Perhaps start my introducing simple games such as snap then she gets use to turn taking before moving into full sharing mode. Her parent could always ask the school if they have a family worker - ours has one and she assists with pupil behaviour.

[jrnottolkein]

Try not to worry, it is not uncommon.

We experienced something similar with ours at that age, combined with a certain amount of stubbornness. It lasted a couple of years but did pass and now she is the kindest and most thoughtful girl.

It did feel like there was nothing we could do at the time that worked, but we tried to keep on being consistent - encouraging sharing, praising when she did and so on.

As I say, eventually she started to change and pleased to say it seems a long time ago now!

Hope that helps! J

[Iggly]

Model saying please and thank you and talk about taking turns etc. Is she an only? I think this will make some difference. Not saying those with siblings are better than sharing but your approach will depend on this a bit.

[gourd]

Ours is 4 and half. She is usually kind and thoughful and very good at sharing and taking turns, but we've played first board/card games with her since she was 2 and she has been at a childminders or nursery from 9 months old so is used to being with other children. She actually enjoys helping other children so when she has playdates she even helps her friend go to the toilet, puts child seat on, passes her some toilet roll, "in case she can't reach" etc and will also give her mate her favourite drinking cup. Having said that of course she can have her moments! Thankfully these are all with us, at home and not at nursery, where staff say she is very polite, joins in every game nicely and is kind to others.

[Singlegaymumofonetoddler]

Thank you for your input, interesting and helpful points. I like the idea of lots of board games to teach sharing.
She has a very responsible and kind eight year old half sister who she sees twice a week. This eight year old just mostly has to put up with her selfish behaviour and is also clearly exasperated by it. Her other parent doesn't see her as much and so doesn't say much about it. I have a two year old toddler and we spend half the week together, she's extremely unkind and unsharing with her too. Her teachers have said nothing yet, I'm not sure what she's like at school.
Because it's my partners biological child I don't want to say too much as it's upsetting to know that your partner thinks your child is selfish, so hence why I'm making casual enquiries on here as to what other five year olds are like, in case it's normal.
I do obviously suspect that the levels she is showing are not normal, so that's also why I would like to hear other peoples experiences.....

[DIYandEatCake]

I wouldn't mind hazarding a guess that she's a lot more polite at school, and that some of the behaviours you're seeing at home are a reaction to the changes she's seen in her short life and a bit of uncertainty about everyone's roles. Having been through a family breakup as a young child and now having a 4 year old myself, I'd say concentrate on building the relationships in your family and treat her with kindness and consistency, and things will work out. You can gently remind her to say please and thank you and of course have the usual expectations and discipline for bad behaviour, but make sure there is also lots of opportunity for fun, lots of positivity from you, and opportunities for everyone to have good times together (go out places where flash points over things sbd attention will be limited). Does she get to spend much time just her and your partner? If not that might help a bit too, just to give her space to relax and not be in competition with anyone.

[Iggly]

So it isn't your child? I missed the step daughter bit!

I think this impacts on how you see her so you need to be careful.

My five year old can be like this - as can most of his peers. I don't see it as a personality thing, more of an age thing. So I basically model good behaviour and talk about how it feels if someone snatched etc etc.

But go easy on her - her life sounds quite a bit of stress for her. My ds (5) gets upset and has bad dreams about moving house and getting on trains, none of which has happened (the former) or he's had bad experiences with (the latter)

[dietcokeandwine]

I have a 5yo. He can demonstrate some of these behaviours sometimes. 5yo DC can be hugely egocentric; they are still learning about the world and their place in it.

I'd say the behaviour you describe is probably at the extreme end of normal. But from what you write in your second post, I'm not surprised. I would hazard a guess that her behaviour is exacerbated not so much by her personality as by the unsettled nature of her life-half the week with you and one half sibling, sees other half sibling twice a week, I'm not surprised the poor child is 'selfish' and behaving badly. She is probably desperately insecure, quite possibly very unhappy, and this will be exacerbating her 'typical 5yo' behaviour to extremes.

How do you change the behaviour? Help her feel more secure. Be positive, loving, supportive, reassuring. I'd be willing to bet that she's already picked up on the fact that you think she's selfish and unkind and dreadful at sharing. Try and do a bit of work to redress the balance a little.

Yes, lots of 5yos can be bloody challenging and hard work and a general pain in the bum. And that's without all the shenanigans that the various adults in her life are inflicting on this little girl. I dread to think what my 5yo DS's behaviour would be like if he had to cope with the kind of unsettled home life that she's dealing with.

[deliverdaniel]

mine is 4.5. he kind of has two modes. Can be incredibly sweet and thoughtful towards us, his younger brother other kids etc, but also has a mode in which he can be very bratty, won't share, demanding and self centered. I think both are normal. I have noticed as PPs have said that he is much more likely to veer towards the latter type of behaviour when he is feeling insecure or upset in some deeper way. For eg when he was transitioning to a new preschool and was having some trouble with anotehr kid in his class we saw a lot more of this kind of behaviour and it cleared up a lot when he started to feel more secure and less anxious at school.

A couple of things which helped us which may (or may not) be useful to you. Firstly the techniques in a book called 123 Magic worked well for us for things like tantrums/ whining/ other bad behaviour. but I think the most important beneficial suggestion was from a child psychologist who came to give a talk at his preschool who suggested doing a thing called "special time." During special time you set a timer for a prearranged amount of time- eg 15 mins (not too long) and in that time you turn off your phone and all other distractions except emergencies and give your 100% focused attention to the child. You declare it beginning "we start special time..... NOW" and the child can choose to do whatever activity he or she wants with your undivided attention. When the timer goes off, it's over. During the rest of the week, if the child wants to do a particular activity/ game etc and you don't have time, you can keep a running list for the next special time and she can write it on the list. I was sceptical at first, but doing special time really made the single biggest difference to my DS's behaviour. Good luck. I agree with PPs that when she feels more secure, she will calm down, so try not to let her feel like a bad kid in the meantime as that can be self-fulfilling. (I know this is incredibly difficult.)

[Singlegaymumofonetoddler]

Wow thank you for all your detailed and helpful messages! Especially deliverdaniel that was v useful I'll definately take that on board.
Her home situation isn't as complicated or disruptive as it sounds, her parents broke up when she was v small and has a relatively stable home life. I know of course it's not perfect but again why I'm on here to see whats normal and what isn't and what we can or should do.

[Singlegaymumofonetoddler]

Londonzoo thank you for your detailed analysis all extremely helpful to know. Two five year olds you definitely know what you're talking about! Thanks again everyone.