Living with an adult child at home.

[Theresa1959]

Hi everyone,

I'm on mumsnet today seeking advice for a dire situation. I'm a single mother of a 21 year old boy called Nathan. Nathan's father died in a drunk driving accident when he was 2 years old so he has never had a father figure in his life. Growing up, he was a happy and social boy but when he reached his teen years, he began to be very introverted. I thought it was just a phase and gave him his room but this behavior has only worsened as he's grown older. I've always tried to be there for him, but he only pushed me away.

After graduating high school, I urged him to apply for a job or go to post secondary schooling but he always had an excuse. He spends most of his day on his computer talking to strangers and playing video games. I worry that Nathan isn't experiencing life. He has never had a girlfriend and has grown apart from all of his past friends.

This past year has been the worst though. His behavior has gone from bad to intolerable. I've sent him to several therapists and counselors but nothing ever changes. It seems as though Nathan has completely given up at this point. He rarely showers or does proper hygiene, refuses to eat anything other then chicken nuggets/tenders and chocolate milk and urinates in bottles. The rest of the house is spotless but his room is a wreck. He also refuses to take down posters of cartoon women wearing bikinis which has led to several fights between us. Most fights end with him just yelling profanities and making this high pitch "REEEEE" sound towards me. I've tried explaining to him that such material isn't allowed in a Christian household but that is only met with more hostility.

Last week, I sat down with him and told him that if he doesn't get his act together, I'm kicking him out of the house. He seemed indifferent the whole time I was talking to him. At the end of it all, I was breathless and sat down waiting for some kind of reaction from him. After staring me in the eye, he slowly came up to me and said "Mommy, if you kick me out, I'll just kill myself.". At this point, I'm afraid for the both of us.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to fix this?

As embarrassed as I am, I've attached a photograph of his bedroom.

[atonofwashing]

Hi, I didn't want to read and run, but I am not an expert on this.
I feel really bad for you, and your son. This is a bit of a situation.

I am not a single mum, and my ds is only 8, but, if you are a book reader, this might be of interest to you.

It's called 10 days to a less defiant child, by Jeffrey Bernstein PhD. It makes for a very interesting read. The title implies its for kids, but actually it is fully transferable to the older ones.

I learnt a great deal from this book. It touches upon the, " well, if you don't do such and such, I will kill myself". As Dr Bernstein says, I doubt your son will really kill himself. Your son does, I think, need help, and so do you. He sounds depressed.

I wish you good luck and hope you manage to turn your lives round. You deserve a happy time.

[fififrog]

I wonder if you should ask for this post to be transferred to the "special needs" board? It is a far more extreme situation than most of us can imagine, and it sounds like he has some real problems that need proper help. I understand there are very helpful ladies on that board. What kind of therapy has he had? It sounds like he needs a proper psychological assessment. Best of luck.

[BattlestarSpectacular]

Theresa, I have no advice for you, but wanted to respond. You obviously care deeply for your son and want the best for him, do you have anyone to support you? Any other family or family friends that could help?
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, take care of yourself.

[Jaffakake]

I'm not sure if you are in the UK or not, given your use of the word 'mommy'. If you are in the UK your first port of call should be your gp. This must be massively impacting on your life and your own mental health, but his mental health needs to be properly assessed.

[Adamsapple]

Theresa, from what you have said, this sounds like he is deeply depressed and he needs professional help. I would suggest that you speak to your GP and explain how worried you are.
But if you are ever seriously afraid for your safety or for his safety, don't be afraid to call the emergency services.
I really feel for you, I was once the depressed adult child, shut in my bedroom and looking back, I know I put my mother through hell.
I wish you and your son well, please try to get help for him and support for you.