at the end of my rope, need some advice

[Mummymonster]

arrgghh

DS is 3 1/4 and is just obnoxious in public, he really is. in a 1 to 1 situation he is delightful but in groups he is awful. Today, we were booked onto a guided walk for halloween at the local library and he was running off, not listening, demanding everything, stamping, screaming and shouting. I tried him on his reins and he was pulling and falling over. I'm having to use a stick to walk and he's pulling me over. I put him in the buggy, he screams and shouts. We're supposed to be on a guided walk, there's loads of others there, joining in with the songs and games. I couldn't inflict him on everyone else so I cut it short and went home. He's grounded in his room now.
I admit, I have not approached this well in the past and have resorted to shouting and smacking at a final resort but I have adopted new parenting techniques with the aid of surestart and his nursery school. Nothing seems to work at all. DS decides he's going to do something and he's going to do it his way.
I try hard not to let my illness (MS) inflict on his life and I try to give him interesting and enjoyable experiences but I am starting to feel 'why bother?' I may as well leave him in front of the telly with nothing to do.
Advice on what I can do would be really appreciated.

[FillyjonkthePumpkinEater]

support vibes, MM

ds is 3.1 and not really very good in groups

i think he is overwhelmed and panicking and also, cusriously, showing off to test boundries.

He is very good one-to-one/two.

My solution has been to avoid groups. Playdates with at max 2 other kids (I have 2 myself so...one each). If go to a group it is a very unstructured one.

I have spent much of past yr exhausted for various reasons and I have sooo much sympathy-they are so much harder when you are tired, run down, in pain etc (not saying this is comparable to MS but...just that being ill will make it harder for you!)

Don't judge your ds by other kids, go at his pace.

I personally would not shout or smack as I don't think they are useful techniques. I would give yourself a time out if you get really frustrated-and yes use the telly here! Twenty minutes while you have a cup of tea and MN can be a lifesaver! But at the end of the day shouting/smacking is your decision.

Doubt its you, btw. My dd is totally different. Though she is quite "clingy" she will join in and sing songs and so on.

[fartmeistergeneral]

I would avoid taking him to big public groups, but do encourage his social skills by (as Filly said) having playdates, start with one friend and maybe if all goes well bring in another. Don't give yourself a hard time - think of it this way. He's strong willed and determined. What great qualities in an adult!!! You just need to find ways to deal with it in a child. Agree with time out in his room, make it consistent and once it's over, it's over. As soon as he's apologised, move right on.

Good luck!

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[3littlefrogs]

Oh, poor you. It is hard isn't it. To be honest, I think 3 is too young for a little boy to cope with a group walk. Mine certainly wouldn't have done at that age. I wouldn't even take mine to a shop, unless it was a brief visit, sandwiched between a walk to the park and a "fun" bus ride home. They weren't hyperactive or anything, just normal little boys. I used to keep life very simple - parks, soft play, occasional swimming if I had a friend to help. That is enough - trying to do too many interesting things equals more stress in my experience. Perhaps you feel you have to provide more "entertainment" because of your illness. It really isn't necessary - he will be just as happy with your company, in a familiar, (preferably enclosed) environment, with one little friend to play with.

[castlesintheair]

Mummymonster, your DS sound's like mine who is now 4.8. The 1st thing I would ask is: how is his language/speech? Mine's was way behind at that age (still is a bit but that's another story!) and I think he got very frustrated. Like you I used to think the whole time "why do I bother? why don't I just stay at home and never go out?".

Please don't despair though, if your DS is anything like mine (and he does sound it), things will get easier. Mine's always been extremely strong willed and quite self-contained. He was seen by a paed at nearly 4 (to rule out things like autism). He said he had the intelligence of a 7/8 yr old but social skills of a 2.5 year old, so maybe that explains it! He's absolutely lovely on a 1:1 basis and at home but didn't like big groups or socialising out of the home. Sometimes he would be ok but it was always on HIS terms. Anyway, at nearly 4 he "came out of his shell" both at pre-school and in public. He started school in September (which I was dreading) and is so happy and settled (he's missing it over half-term!). His teacher said his behaviour is great and he's well liked.

We still have off days, like today when I drove the DCs to a special playground half an hour away. After 5 minutes he said "I want to go home and play with my toys". I'm 34 weeks pg & feeling a bit sh*** so it was quite an effort for me. Grrr! but I have just learnt to accept that this is the way he is and life is SOOOOOO much easier now than when he was 3.

Sorry to ramble on (I blame being pg ) but I HTH.

[Mummymonster]

Thanks to all for your kind words and support. It all makes a lot of sense, especially the bit about your child being bright, my GP had mentioned that before. It's just so difficult when you know how many people have put in so much effort and you seem to have brat from hell decend on them.

After he came out of his bedroom he said he was scared at the library. I said it was OK and all he had to do was let me know and I'd make it better, rather than being silly and making me cross.

So I'm not going to blame myself and just look forwards to the other side of his terrible threes.

As always, thanks and love to all