Parties are a nightmare - sign of autism in my 5 yr old dd

[Sunblushsister]

My dd has always been quite hard work when it comes to children's parties. Whenever we go to a party she clings to me and won't join in with the activities on her own. Then she is constantly asking me 'when is the party bags coming'. It's like she is not enjoying the party at all and just wants to collect her party bag and leave :-) sometimes she warms up right at the very end. It means I dread taking her and although try to remain patient, I feel like pushing her away so I can relax a bit. She has just turned 5 and has always been rather demanding of me in particularly.

When I ask her about it she says it is because she is shy. But other things are fine. She is in a drama club and is very confident in performing and speaking out.

I just wondered if this is just a bad habit, a way of getting attention, or is this a sign of mild autism? She is also a highly sensitive child, smells will annoy her, we have had a terrible time with clothes and she won't wear clips of anything in her hair. She also has an obsession with screens! She loves tv to a point that I have never seen a child. So we have to really be careful how much she watches. She constantly says she's bored and looks at tv as a quick fix answer.

We went to rainbows the other day for the first time and she wanted to just watch. All the adults kept encouraging her to join in and I knew that would only make it worse. She seems to need to see how it works from a distant first before getting involved.

Anyone else got a similar child? I know all this probably sounds v familiar but it is quite extreme with her. Just needing a bit of reassurance and some suggestions!

[addictedtosugar]

For us, it depends on the type of party.
Soft play, and he's off running round.
But Disco or children's entertainer in the village hall, and he's glued to my legs. For the first time ever, he has said before hand he doesn't want to go to a party - its a very good friend who is having a disco party, and he has said no way.
We don't have smells/ clothes / hair clips (but then I've never tried that is DS's hair!) issues however.

I generally let him cling til there is something he might like slightly more (often a bubble machine at these things), or a good friend not too much in the thick of it, and suggest they go play together.

No other ideas, sorry.

[enderwoman]

I know a family with 3 kids where 2 of the children behaved similarly to your dd at parties. At school they were very popular but seemed anxious by the fact that parties were very different to school- friends in party clothes, unknown schedule of events, everyone else coaxing them to join in. They naturally became better at 8 ish. Until then they sat watching the party, ate some food, took their party bag and left. I felt really bad that they hadn't had a good time until their mum thanked me for always inviting them and not judging them for not participating. Apparently they'd go home and tell their parents that it was a great party, even if they had barely said a word.

[ZuluWarrior]

I have a 5.6 year old boy like this. I don't think he has ASD. I think for him it's the noise, the crowds of people and the unpredictability of it, although I if I dn't stay with him he's absolutely fine.

I have learned to have low expectations, not force him to join in, and (try) to keep my temper .

His wee sister is a party animal. And if I think about it, I'd probably do the same as him if it was more socially acceptable for an adult!

[Sunblushsister]

Yes, she thinks things through a lot which is sometimes the issue too. Unpredictability is probably the thing that she's not keen on aswell. But she has plenty of friends and seems popular at school. So I'm hoping it's nothing serious and she gradually grows out of it. I'd hate to pigeon hole her at such a young age. I've just had a an idea that I might arrive early before everyone else gets there and then it might give her more time to prepare. Thanks for your help!

[queencori]

As you said she is a highly sensitive child , read Elaine N Arons book on such children, you will find techniques to help you understand your daughter. My8year old Da is similar.

[MrsWinnibago]

My DD is 10 now OP and was like yours a bit. She's very happy in social situations now. Parties aren't for all small children...I hated them as a kid too. I found the noise, the screaming and games that the others all seemed to enjoy to be just AWFUL. I still like quiet.

[Sunblushsister]

Thanks for all the advise. I think I have jumped to panic mode of 'what is up with my child'. Yes I think she is highly sensitive though. We have a party tomorrow which she is really excited about so I hope it goes well this time. :-)

[Aerfen]

Hope it went well! Just a thought have you considered taking one of her good friends along with you, so she has someone she can start off with? Perhaps you could deliver them and the friends mum do the pick up.

[VenusRising]

Sunblushsister, she just sounds a bit sensitive to me.

Some people don't like smells, or scratchy wool, or seams in the socks, or chaos or randomness, or flashing lights, certain sounds, or the texture of some foods.

All normal, all ok.
Having said that, she might be allergic to something- maybe have her tested if she seems to be very picky, but otherwise I'd relax and enjoy life!
She might just be introverted!

[Hurr1cane]

She just sounds sensitive bless her, I what you've said in the thread would be nowhere near enough for an autism diagnosis but obviously I don't know your child or if there's more.

She's only little at 5 as well. Stuff can be scary.

[stantonjulie]

My 5 year old daughter is just the same and she is particularly fearful of children's entertainers. She is going through a v difficult phase at the moment where she doesn't like going to school (year 1) but ok once there, won't go to sleep without someone staying upstairs making a noise and had a meltdown last Sunday when I went off and did a bike race for a couple of hours (whilst she went cycling with my husband). I'm hoping it's just a phase...

[DancingDinosaur]

This isn't unusual. Both my dc were like this. Other children in the class were similar. It was exactly the same as you describe. But they're all fine now. Sometimes it takes a bit longer for some children.

[Clobbered]

This all sounds very very familiar - combination of me and my kids with the clothes sensitivity and party fears - I remember being that way myself, and two of my three kids all very similar, and we all grew out of it. Don't try to force the issue, she'll get better in her own good time.

[scarlettsmummy2]

My five year old daughter is exactly like this! What I have found has helped has been having one of the other mums take her to the party, so she has already got a wee friend with her when she arrives, or if that's not possible, arrive early so that she isn't going into a big group of children and doesn't notice the room filling up.

[AliMonkey]

Just like my DS aged 7. Usually OK if party is at a friend's house and it's a close friend. Otherwise clingy, sometimes won't let me leave and sits with me until eg tea served then warms up just as party ending. Worst is when there's an entertainer or dancing - or the ones he won't go to at all eg swimming or laser quest. Having said that he is generally better than he used to be.

This is just one of the symptoms of his general anxiety, the other main ones bring selective mutism and refusal to even open his mouth to show the dentist his teeth.

So probably just an anxiety thing and if that is the only symptom will be something that will improve over time.

[DancingDinosaur]

Oh yes, agree with Scarlett, getting someone else to take them makes a huge difference.

[DancingDinosaur]

Or offer to take someone elses child as well. That works too.

[MtnBikeChick]

I recognise quite a lot of the sensitive traits you mention because I see them in my 4 year old son. Autism has never once crossed my mind though - I just think he's sensitive and likes routine! Can I recommend this book to you? It is EXCELLENT:

www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Karoleann]

DS2 is similar. I think he finds it a bit overwhelming. He's just turned 6 and isn't autistic.

He is better if we are one of the first to arrive, so we always try and arrive 5 minutes before the party starts (I ask the host first).

I also ask him if he wants to go when the invite comes out. If he doesn't want to go I just decline the invite. We turned down quite a few in reception and then he decided by himself that he would like to try again.

I have also asked other parents to take him too and often that does work better.