apparently I have a 24mth old brat

[nataliejc77]

Hi
Calling all mothers with good children. Can you help?
This morning my mother told me that my ds is a brat and she has had enough of him. She thinks that he needs a good hiding. Unfortunately due to a shocking couple of years I am now back living at my mother's house.

My ds has always been willful and has never been an easy child but he has hit the terrible twos and is hard work.

Anyway this morning whilst I was in the bath my mother tried to get my ds to have some breakfast but he refused to listen and ran off. She feels that I am too lenient with him and that is why he never listens to anyone but me. He does the screaming, and arching of the back to make things really difficult. I believe that she gave up on him months ago and he knows that after being asked to do something twice she will give up and my ds wins.

I sometimes feel it would be easier if she would completely back off and let me parent as she is always hoovering around telling me what I am doing wrong that I feel I have never had a chance to develop my mothering instinct. And as a consequence im a rubbish mum. It is much easier to parent after an argument when we are not talking.

Although in my defence I have had one evening/night off in 24 months when I was taken to hospital with a m/c. Im run down and sometimes the battles between me+mum and mum+son become too much.

Any advice, where have I gone wrong? Is it too many cooks? Or am just letting my son run riot.

[Fluffyemenent]

Your little boy sounds just like my about to turn 2 year old! I think some a more 'spirited' than others! At least that's what I like to tell myself!

[Anotherchapter]

Tell her to back off.

He sounds like my dd. 24 months is a baby! He is still pushing boundaries.

My dd can have amazing day where she is a dream or a day like today where she is mischievous all day. She didn't eat her breakfast either. It ended up all over the carpet. She preferred to pull the books of the bookshelfs instead.

I put her in her cot for a calm down and shed nodded off. She must have been still tired from her late night.

It's not called terrible two for nothing snd sometimes I think GP or us expect too much from them. I'm taking the passive approach, unless it's dangerous am not gong to have a fight with her over it. There are a few things I insist on brushing teeth ect but I really pick my battles.

My mil got pissed off the other day as dd wasn't sharing? WTF? Children this young have no concept of what's right or wrong. You just have to plod on showing good behaviours.

Just keep calm, when dd is having a melt down or playing up, I stop what ever I'm doing and sit and offer cuddles and get divert her attention. It's working for now.

Your contentious about this so that means your bring a good mother

[Jaffakake]

If you're all living together and will be for sometime to come I think it may be worthwhile setting some non-negotiables, certain behaviours from ds that will not be tolerated by anyone in your house. Kids are smart & play us off against each other from a very young age. By making some rules, your mum won't be able to undermine you.

[strawberrybubblegum]

'He never listens to anyone but me'
Surely if he listens to you but not your DM, then that shows that what you are doing is working better than what she is doing! I don't how she can think it's down to you being too lenient, that doesn't make sense.

My take is that she needs to build a connection with him which makes him want to cooperate with her (note the word 'cooperate' , not 'obey' - you are raising a thinking human being, not obedience training a puppy), and work on the inconsistency you've already mentioned. He certainly doesn't need a hiding . If you think she's open to it, direct her to the 'aha parenting' site, to get her ideas a bit more up to date!

You're doing fine. And your son is being a normal 2 year old . The problem comes from the situation you are in with your mum trying to co-parent badly and perhaps struggling to take the subordinate, supportive role which is appropriate for a grandparent. I guess the fact you're in her house muddies that a bit. Sounds like it's frustrating for both of you, tbh. If you have to stay there for a while, I think you need to have a sit down discussion with her about your respective roles, and practical details about how it can work.

[strawberrybubblegum]

Oh, and your mothering instinct sounds spot on already! Don't let the difficult situation you are in - and it is difficult - make you doubt your ability as a mother.

[LegoCaltrops]

Your mum's style of parenting is very different from yours, it must be confusing for your DS. And frustrating for you all.

DD is 2.5. Last month, one day, she: poured an entire cup of tea on the floor (thankfully it didn't actually touch her), unscrewed the wooden stick from her push along toy & hit me on the head hard enough to see stars, & climbed up the bookshelf & fell off. This is in addition to the usual round of ringing PILs on the phone, pouring water all over the place from her tippy cup, & pulling all the DVDs off the shelf & putting them in the player. And tipping all her toys out onto the floor. If I had to live with my mum (who lives on her own & has a very tidy house) my mum would not know what had hit her. Yesterday, DD squeezed at least half a 500ml bottle of water, all over the sofa cushions.

Your mum is being unreasonable, your DS sounds normal.

[nataliejc77]

Thank you all so much for your replies

[nataliejc77]

It is such a help to know that maybe I am doing this right. I didn't think my ds was that bad but the constant comments have really made me doubt myself and everything that I do

[hilbobaggins]

I have a DS exactly this age. It is very challenging but it helps me to remember that they are supposed to be wilful and challenging! That's all part of healthy development. It sounds like you're doing fine but I really feel for you having to live with your critical mum. If I had to live with mine I'd be constantly doubting myself, just like you!

The key is patience, empathy and calm persistence. I think you sound like you're doing fine as a mum - the issue is YOUR mum. What can you do to get her to back off?

[RabbitSaysWoof]

I hate it when one child has to be a group project I'm sure her hanging over you passing comment must be giving him inspiration to attention seek with awkward behaviour on top of the usual toddler frustrations.

[mummyxtwo]

It's a difficult age, and while now is the time to start trying to enforce some discipline and teach good / bad behaviour, I think calling a two yo a "brat" and saying he "needs a good hiding" is inappropriate. This is the age where you repeat "No!" and "Come here!" at steadily increasing volumes and escalating hysteria when they ignore you and charge merrily out into the street and wonder if they will ever listen to you and obey a simple command. Ds1 has completed the transition from an ignoring-everything-I-said 2yo to a well-behaved and polite 5.5yo, so please don't think you are doing something wrong. It does perhaps sound like a case of too many cooks in your house. With ds1 we started using the 'naughty mat' (variation on step - totally un-pc term I know but we couldn't then change it to 'time out' after he'd got used to the 'naughty mat') when he turned 2yo and it worked brilliantly. I know it doesn't work as well for all children but after a while just the threat of the naughty spot was enough to stop bad behaviour. We just had to start counting to 5 and we rarely got beyond 3 before he stopped whatever he was doing that he shouldn't have. It's hard when you're living in someone else's house. Remember he is your son, not hers, so you get to make the rules regarding behaviour and discipline. But out of respect for the fact that she is letting you stay there you can also demonstrate to her that you have certain rules and ways of dealing with things so she doesn't feel that you are letting him get away with all sorts. I hope it gets easier for you soon.

[Mummytoagorgeouschops]

They all go through phases like that!! My DD is 13 months an is already head butting things when we tell her 'no'. She's getting better but I am being strict and consistent with her.

Your mum sounds as though she isn't helping and like you say your DS likely knows she gives up easily and therefore runs rings round her!!

They do it! It's a phase! Take no notice of her. I'm sure he will grow up to be a lovely, polite young man

[NorksEnormous]

I have a 24 month old too...she's a challenge! She has a mind of her own and she won't settle for anything else!

Luckily my mum is great with her however it would be completely different if me and dd lived there- we would clash! I do think it's a case of too many chiefs not enough Indians- your mum needs to take a step back and accept that you are your child's parent.

[nataliejc77]

Thank you all again for your help. Your advice has been quite a comfort

[2toddlerskazerandzane]

It's a generation thing I think. Back in the day a slapped arse and no supper was maybe their approach. My two was really sending me to breaking point earlier today and my mother rings me and I'm trying to tell her that I'm really stressed etc and she says put them to bed and shut the door bearing in mind it's 4pm never a good time to nap/sleep. I took her advice with a pinch of salt. They have a knack making us feel we are doing something wrong! Your child is not a brat at all, you may question this yourself on times like myself but in time all the no's dont's etc will pay off. My 3 year old is far from perfect but he defiantly knows a lot more boundaries unlike my 22month old who will push them to the max!! I can't remember my 3 year old acting this way (evan tho i think he was worse bitting etc)and we all tend to forget that it's just a part of learning and growing toddler. Hope you can get your mother to see and understand you and him more

[Poppet45]

I know you're the mum but its her home. And sharing it for an extended period of time with a spirited toddler must be exhausting and possibly not what she planned at this stage of life. Shes helping you out alot, I would try not to blame her for her differing parenting style. It must be v stressful having a grandchild who wont cooperate with you 24/7.

[2toddlerskazerandzane]

Poppet if the g mother spent more time looking for the positives in her grandson, rather than want to "give him a good hiding" for just being a toddler. Not what she planned, tough luck! Its the g mother who needs to get with it!! G mother, note to self "job dont ever end" play your role!!!!!