Hate smacking! it doesn't work, but dont know what else to do!

[chocolatemummy]

god my dd is driving me to my limits, she is 3 in november and although she has days where she is definately growing up and a real pleasure, she is so head strong and has huge overwhelming tantrums for no reason and can be so naughty at times I just havent got the patience anymore. Smacking her doesn't work and I feel awful but sometimes I don't know what else to do to get her to listen or calm down

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

put her to bed
and tell her that she is not allowed down until she behaves

if bed is a prob
try a naughty step

also by ignoring on a good day
and having a tantrum back on a bad day
seems to shock kids a bit too

good luck
xxx

[Medulla]

DD has just developed tantrums, she is 3. We have a chair next to the telephone in the hall, when she flares up I tell her in a firm but controlled voice to go and sit on the chair and just have a think about why she is feeling so angry. Every now and then I go out and ask her if she has calmed down but other than that I ignore her. It works, she calms down, we have a little chat about what started it all and life then goes on. It works for us but I realise not for everyone but it might be worth a try? Good luck

[chocolatemummy]

hmmm, I put her in her room if we are at home and that does work sometimes but naughty step she just gets up and runs off, that doesnt work at all.
Its mainly in the car ( which has caused an accident) and going to bed

[Dunnyjo]

Chocolatemummy, i have just posted too about how to deal with my ds who is 2 1/2yrs. Today he is driving me completely nuts with sill outburst he has. I could say No a million times and it would do nothing (take it this is my own fault as i have not stuck to my ground)i could shout he never hears it, i could put him in his room etc bt i find it so difficlut with baby i.e feeds/changing etc
God i could have 10 babies and love every min but 2's??
I would be interested to see what others say too.

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

I am going to sound a mean mother here but ds3 was doing this in the car with me when i first passed my test

I got so peeved i stopped the car (safely of course)
opened the back door and told him to get out and walk home if he was not going to calm down and behave
his face went white
but he calmed straight down and never kicked off in the car again

not saying for you to take these measures at all but that is what worked for me
as I was nervous re driving anyway

as for bedtiomes my 2 elder dds were the same
I used to sit on the top of their beds for 5 mins a night and eventually move around re on a chair
then on to the landing
into the bathroom etc
so I could hear them within earshot and they were not scared
eventually moved downstairs (it took around 2 weeks i think)
but didnt have a prob after that
good luck
xxx

[chocolatemummy]

the car thing is, she just will not sit in car seat, she gets out and I have finally found a way she cannt get out and she just goes bezerk, screaming crying and shouting and I can't concentrate on driving. My family live a ling way away and I am not working at the moment but i can't go up with her because its too dangerous to be on the motorway.
bedtimes she just doesn't want to go to bed, shes not scared

[curlew]

IMHO - and I've been there! - it's no use punishing for a real tantrum because they're so out of control they genuinely can't stop. If it's jutst a strop, then my DP used to deal with them much better than I did. He kept completely calm and just used the broken record technique "I'm sorry you feel that way, but unless you stop making that noise by the time I count 3, there will be no TV tomorrow" He then counted 3, then said. "There will be no TV tomorrow. I'm sorry you feel that waybut unless..." and so on. It seemed to work by about the third repetition, I think because every time he recognized their feeings were real, if inappropriate, and it alos gave them a chance to stop. I used to make thins worse by descending to the level of a 3 year old and shouting back! He managed to stay the adult. Real tantrums I think just have to be ingnored. If possible, remove them from the scene and put them somewhere safe until the storm passes. Then (and this is really hard and sticks in the throat but it worked for us!) congratulate them on getting themselves under control again and move on very fast to the next thing. No post mortems or raking it over again. I found that SO hard -I always want to drag it up again "And ANOTHER thing thing you do that really annoys me....."
The car ones are difficult. Can you travel at night? Go by train? Use outrageous bribery?
It really is only a phase which will pass sooner than you think. I know people say that about everything, but it's true!

[Sunnysideup]

I agree with Curlew - you need to stay in control of YOUR emotions. Simply accept that you cannot control whether you child kicks off or not, but what you CAN control is what you do; the tantrums will end quicker if they get the child literally nowhere, hard though it is. Forget the naughty step if you have a child with the nouse to get up! You'll have to use another room. And don't worry about whether there are interesting things in there, this isn't about 'punishing', it's about seperating yourselves so that there is nothing to 'feed' the tantrum; if she finds something to amuse herself, great! she'll calm down all the quicker.

If you are out and about, use the threat of time out in her room when you get back, this worked with my ds anyway.

And when it's over, as Curlew so wisely said, your job as the adult is to (pretend to) forget all about it. You don't need an apology in my view - children shouldn't have to apologise for being children and still being at the stage where they have strong emotions that they need to control. Just move on; it just makes kids feel stressed I think if the previous outburst is dwelt on.

With the car, I am out of my depth as never had this with ds. But I think the same rules apply, you'll have to threaten time out when you get home, then ignore like mad.

But then again, desperate's trick of threatening to make child walk home seemed to work!

best of luck, and yes it really will get better!. I always try to keep a nugget of sympathy for my ds when he really tantrums - he can't help it and it must feel horrible.

[BonyM]

DD1 wasn't a big one for tantrums (luckily) but when she did have one I would just walk away and ignore her (negative attention). Worked a treat. Would sometimes imitate her tantrum which usually stopped her in her tracks and made her laugh instead.

Never had to resort to smacking or naughty step, neither of which I believe to work.

[BonyM]

Sorry - last sentence sounded pompous, didn't mean it to!