so stressed out with my 3 year old, i feel sick with myself at my behaviour

[boobiemumma]

new mumsnetter here...long post alert. recently i've been getting really very stressed out with my daughter, she is my first child and is 3, i also have a 7 month old son who i still breastfeed. she never eats when or what i ask her to, doesn't listen to me and has started shouting at me (obviously what she has learnt from me, totally disgusted with myself).
its getting to the point where after the kids are put to bed i look back on the day and feel like crying for the way i have spoken to her. i feel like i take it well over the top but only realize this after i have a blowout. i did have PND with her but recovered after 15 months and i don't know if something similar has happened, i'm not depressed just realllllly angry and stressed all the time and cant control myself, shouting and swearing (sometimes banging my hand on the table when shes not eating or even throwing things across the room..never in her direction may i add). i would never hurt her because shes my daughter and i love her. im sickened by myself and want to know if anyone else has felt like this. also does it warrant seeing a health professional? if so where do i start, doctors or HV? i cant speak to DH about this as he doesn't really take me seriously, i think because i dont tell him often he thinks i just have bad days...every day is a bad day and every day i reach breaking point. i cant tell my mum, she doesnt understand, she just says dont be so hard on her, and i wish it was that easy.

[outtheothersidefinally]

Didn't want to read and run. It's tough, you are trying your best and want to make things better.

Balance it with getting yourself some "me time" or little treats, and giving your DD some special time too. That way, for the rest of the time you both know you had that quality time.

The Science of Parenting has some great tips. Or read up on Love Bombing.

It will get easier and you can make it better.

[LowCloudsForming]

This contact is based in Northern Ireland - I think the location is irrelevant. They offer support for parents - all parents. You are most definitely NOT alone. Here's the link:

www.parentingni.org

[boobiemumma]

thank you will google both xxx

[sl27]

Hi there, I am a mum of two and have experienced all the same feelings as you. My son is now 5 and daughter 2 and although I have sought help I still struggle with overpowering feelings of anger towards my children. I have never hurt them but sometimes I worry I might.

Anger can be a big part of depression although most people think of it as feeling sad and low. My advice would be to start with your HV and explain how you're feeling. Antidepressants really helped me.

You don't have to feel this way - it is no quality of life for you or or children. Get whatever help you need to make things better for you and your family.

Feel free to email me back as I know how you are feeling.

[boobiemumma]

thank you sl27, i was deeply thinking about that but think i needed to hear it from someone else to really believe it, i was on 40mg citalopram 2 years ago and put me straight, think i should consider giving the doctors a ring tomo x

[strawberryblondebint]

I can identify with you. My three year old is pretty non verbal and a huge tantrum thrower. I was in tears just the other day as she threw a wobbly on the way to a party and I felt like everyone was judging me. She is my youngest and the hardest of all 3.
Pick your battles. Put the food out and if she eats it good. Ignore bad behaviour and praise the good. Distract her when possible. But you need to give yourself some time and deffo consider the ad's. They just take the edge off.
I constantly watch my tone of voice. It's like forming a habit. It takes time but I sometimes pretend I am acting or that people are watching me. Fake it till you make it. And ask for help. You are a great mum I am sure but you have just fallen into a behaviour that isn't a reflection of you. This probably makes no sense but I just keep repeating "this too shall pass". Soon she will be so much easier to manage and you will be able to put this difficult period behind you. Stay positive x

[givemecaffeine21]

Hi boobiemumma

It sounds to me like you may be depressed? I've behaved / felt very much like you are at present due to the pressures of having two under two (21 and 10 months) as my eldest is in a difficult phase, as is my 10 month old actually! I went to see my doctor who put me on antidepressants and I've been feeling a lot, lot, lot better. Anger was my biggest symptom really, I felt so unable to cope as when one of mine isn't kicking off, the other is. My day is a constant round of tears and temper tantrums. My GP told me that 1 in 5 parents of two under five suffers from depression. Children turn our lives upside down and whilst we love them dearly, they present huge challenges from the start for most people....if you chuck in PND or have suffered from depression or anxiety in the past then things get really rough.

I think if you see your GP and explain you're feeling depressed she or he will be very supportive. You don't have to go into masses of detail about throwing stuff or hitting the table when she's messing around with dinner (been there - epic frustration with my eldest at one point over food!).

Parenting is such a tough job and I've realised I have to take care of myself, not just my children, which means more time with my husband, and going on meds to get me through this time.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, my GP was amazing and totally unsurprised that I was feeling the way I was. Being a parent of young children is hugely pressurised and they understand that.

Take care and please do seek support, it's not worth suffering on - I've felt SO much better since I went on meds.

[alwaysrushing]

I've been here too. Anger is also a sign of depression-I went to the gp and was put on Prozac for a short while- what a bloody miracle- everything seemed ....ok, and I could be the parent I was desperate to be. 6 months later I came off and was so so much better. The habit of stress and shouting had gone( I still do sometimes of course- but far far less- it's not my default mode any more) brill tips from strawberry blond- I also fake it when I'm not feeling it. As for battling- think of what matters and what will still be important in one year. What she ate or didn't eat for dinner- nah. Kindness to others? Yes. Messy room. No. Please and thank you- yes( usually) don't set the bar too high about homemade food and immaculate house whilst things are hard, just concentrate on being a kind mum. I used to ask myself how I wanted my kids to remember me when they were grown up... Be kind to yourself- I really think most of go through this but there is often an awful conspiracy of silence amongst other perfect mums. That's why lovely anonymous mumsnet is so great!!!

[alwaysrushing]

And btw I would go straight to a lovely GP if you are thinking meds. The HV however can offer higher levels of support and access to local parenting or help groups if that's what you might like.

[boobiemumma]

thank you so much everyone everything you have said has made me feel a tad better :) i have an appt booked for tuesday with my GP, i cant live like this any more and need to do something about it, i want to be a good mother, not one that poor dd1 remembers as a horrible shouty bossy woman xxxx thanks everyone xxxx

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Just read the thread and so glad you've decided to book an appointment with the GP. Is there someone who can have the DC while you go?

You are definitely not alone and this is not your fault. Some things that might help are looking at the apni website and reading What Mothers Do.

Is your DH home tomorrow or Sunday? Could he have the DC for a while so that you can have a couple of hours off?

[Jaffakake]

When I've felt things getting out of hand I've decided which bit to tackle first, second etc. So the next day decide food will not become an argument and work on that for a few days, then decide that I will not overreact to xyz behaviour and work on that for a few days. It's always been more about my reactions than ds behaviour as one effects the other and if I break it down it's less overwhelming & I can concentrate better.

Good luck with the dr. I've been very close to picking up the phone for the same issue, but haven't done yet. (the causes of my issue is a bit different) I think you're brave to go & speak to them & should feel good about that alone. Just be honest when you get there. I've been brushed off before cos I was trying to put a good face on it.