I don't like my 5 yr old

[niceglasses]

I'm sorry that sounds so awful, but its just about the way I feel at the moment. Maybe summer hols taking their toll, but I am very depressed at the state of our 'relationship' at the moment. I spend most of my time shouting and threatening, which I hate. He does nothing I ask,is beginning to tell lies, shouts (prob cos I do) and is generally awful. Sometimes, I am embrassed by him. I know this has everything to do with me, but I am at a loss as to how to put it right or start to.

I have 2 other younger children. I don't work. I know I have some problems of my own which are probably a sort of depression, I don't know. But I want to work on him first. I feel guilty but angry with him at the same time. The hols seem to have brought it all out into focus and I spent much of last week crying about it all. some of it maybe that I don't get much (if any ) break from the 3 of them. My family don't h ave them, my dh works long hours.

I'm sorry - there are probably 100s of threads like this. But where do I start? What things work for anyone who might have had something similar?? sorry again

[danceswithmonkeys]

Oh honey, take a deep breath, sit down and if possible eat some chocolate!
I'm afraid my two are younger than 5yrs so I haven't got any sage advice for you. The only thing I've noticed on programmes like little angels is that when one child is particularly naughtier than the others they often get labelled 'the naughty one' whereas if you watch carefully they don't always start things but always get blamed. Is it possible for you to spend some 'special' time with each of your children (maybe at the weekend) so that you can give lots of attention. Um, that's all I can think of. Sorry not to be more help but don't feel bad, we all have time's when our children drive us to the brink of madness.

[niceglasses]

Yes, am worried about the labelling thing too, youre right. I think my parents think of him as the naughty one.........

[Earlybird]

Oh, I've got a 5 year old and they can be so challenging.

When does he start back at school? Do you think the situation might improve when he has some structure/different stimulation? Sounds as if you both could use some time away from each other so that you can appreciate each other again.

[clumsymum]

Niceglasses, I'm sorry you feel like this, but I can sympathise becos I felt like this with my 6 y.o. boy in the few weeks before the school hols began, and I was DREADING it.

I had to have a chat with ds's teacher about something right at the end of term, and I realised he'd been pretty badly behaved at school too over the last 2 weeks, partly because all routine had gone and he was getting away with stuff he wouldn't have done the rest of the year.

I'm afraid I got really REALLY strict with ds in the first week of the holidays, in fact I posted a thread about it here .

Now I know it wasn't popular, but after 3 or 4 days of me reinforcing very clear boundaries (including giving a smack when necessary) ds's behaviour improved hugely, and we have had a lovely time so far.

I don't know if you can (or want to) do this with 2 other tinies in the house, but it has worked here. I'm not shivering in my shoes about how he'll be when school starts again now either.

[niceglasses]

Goes back to Yr 1 in 2 weeks. I even feel guilty wishing that time away. Yes, I think he is missing the structure of school. School report no problems whatsoever with him. I think we have got into a sort of battle if that is poss with a 5 yr old. Feel so pathetic.

Yes, I need to probably re-draw the boundaries a bit. Just finding the energy to do it........

[clumsymum]

Niceglasses, it takes little more energy than you are expending now to get control back, and once you have it, you'll need much less energy, becos he won't fight with you anything like as much.

[BlueBeetle]

Hi Niceglasses, I have a thread going on about my explosive child - might be worth a peek ?

I felt exactly the same as you - it has been a bloody awful holiday with constant battles, tantrums and stand-offs - she has had me in tears many times and I have really not liked her much this summer.

However - time-outs and harsh discipline are truly not working with her so I have had to reevaluate - and have now embarked upon a new softly soflty regime - very very early days - but I am ever hopeful !

Pop over and see me on my thread when you ahve a mo !

[puddle]

niceglasses I have had days of feeling like this about my ds. I think it is partly the age they are - they are flexing their muscles a bit and needing some independence. here are some things which have worked for us:

• family rules. We discussed them, wrote them down and have them up on the fridge. We all have to follow them (including 'no shouting' )
  
• giving my ds some special privileges for being the oldest. This can be special time with me once dd is in bed, extra reading at bedtime, pocket money for helping me with some special jobs.
  
• Think about the trigger points when you come into conflict and end up shouting. For my ds they can be; being called for meals when he's in the middle of a game, being asked to turn the tv off, getting out of the bath. Think about better ways to deal with him to avert a showdown - this could be lots of warnings about what's coming up, getting a timer and agreeing a time limit etc
  
• letting my ds have some say in what happens. Every day of the holidays we have agreed a plan - taking a 'something for everyone approach. We make a list of everything evryone needs and wants to do that day and then work out what the plan is. It's really helped avoid conflict.
  
  I also find when my ds is really cross and awful sometimes nothing works better saying 'come on, I know you're cross but let's try and get on a bit better than this' and a cuddle Sometimes they get lost in bad behaviour and don't know how to find their way back into your good books.
  
  Hope this helps, will come back if I think of more.

[clumsymum]

Hi BlueBeetle.

Just goes to prove that kids are all different, and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

I suspect that boys and girls may be a bit different in their psychology too.

Its what makes this parenting thing sooooo bl88dy difficult

[youknowwhat]

niceglasses, I don't have the experience of children this age (mines are still younger) but I do agree with the idea of a strict routine and consistent boundaries.
I also have been in a situation where I thought that ds was v difficult, annoying etc... and decided to put an end to it.
So, I started a long journey where every single day, I focused on what he was doing right, praised him when he did so, looked for any opportunity to tell him that he doing doing great. The idea was to use 'positive reinforcement', not really for him but for me. This way I started to see again what he was doing well and not so much was he was doing wrong... It worked !
Also, if you think that you might suffer from some sort of depression, I would look into that asap. You need to look after yourself too to be able to look after them!!
What kind of other problems do you have?

[pinknfluffy29]

i am having exactly same thing with my 6 year old
ive always brought him up quite librally - wanting to be his friend instead of his parent (i was brought up by grandparents) i wanted him to confide in me and be able to come to me with any problem but now it seems he doesnt respect me and sometimes we end up having a blazing row and he can be rather nasty. any ideas of how to rein him baack in would be appreciated hope you find something that works - please share lol

[niceglasses]

I know I don't do way enough postive reinforcement stuff - am very bad at that. and youre right about needing to do it for me to remember there are (some!!) good things about him......liking all this. Could do with the no shouting rule for sure.

Don't really want to bang on about my problems - very low self esteem and confidence I think since giving up work etc. In a bit of a hole, but hate the effect having on the kids more than anything. Moan moan.

[clumsymum]

pinknfluffy, I honestly don't think you can parent a young child by trying to be their friend. That comes later, but when they are little they need you to be in charge, to tell them how to live, point them the right way.

You need to slowly put up the boundaries that you haven't built so far, I suspect it won't be easy.

Make sure that he always knows what is expected of him "Today we are going shopping. I need you to hold the shopping list and help me make sure we buy everything we need. Don't run about in the supermarket. If you are good you will get a comic/packet of crisps/whatever, but if you misbehave, you will not get anything"

Be consistent, reward good behaviour. But use suitable sanctions for bad behaviour too.

Thats my opinion.

[BlueBeetle]

All I have done all summer is shout - shouted myself hoarse - then hate myself afterwards. That's why I had to change approcah !

I also have mild depression - and that's why I have to get on top of the behaviour too.

Definitely focussing on the positives is good - I had reached the point that I couldn't even see any positives - but once I started looking for them - they were there - but my whole image of her was spoiled by the tantrums.

I thought the 1-2-3 Magic approach was working but it really wasn't right for my dd - it was making her so upset and sad !

It's finding the right thing for your own little person that's so hard I think !

[southeastastra]

my 5 year old son is a pain sometimes too, he just nearly broke half the china in Next. they will be back to school soon. mine really misses the routine and is much better behaved during term time.

[niceglasses]

My mum totally thinks its my fault for not being strict enough up to now. This makes me feel worse tbh - I probably know its my fault. Am gonna start on the rules tomorrow. When I mentioned this tonight, both the boys said straight away 'no shouting'. God, bad mummy award here pls.

[youknowwhat]

niceglasses, you are NOT a bad mum!!!
It is hard work to be a parent and at that age they are v good at highlighting our own defects. ds1 is doing that too!
Again, don't beat yourself with that. Look at the positive sides a lot and look at what is 'normal' behavior because it is a developmental step and what is not acceptable at all. Tackle the latest and accept the first for what they are. I sometimes find myself laughing when ds1 is refusing to do soemthing just because I can remenber he is just asserting his independance I know what he is really trying to do, but we also know that in the end he will do whatever he is supposed to do.
Re feeling bad after giving up work, I totally agree with you! I think it is destabilizing and I felt of 'less value' wo a job iykwim. try to see if you can find soemthing to do outside of the house, volontary job, give a hand at a toddler group for example?

[kittywits]

Blimey, there have benn many, many times when I have gone through long periods of really disliking some of my children, one in particular. I'm not happy with the situation, but I know that doesn't mean I don't love them.
There is a difference between liking and loving. They are individual human beings after all and I can't like everybody all the time.

[pixiepins]

just a sugestion...
are there any holiday clubs etc in your area? i work at one (a brill one!) and we often help out families with children who are, shall we say...noisy!
sometimes it's purely becouse they're on thier hols and want to stretch their wings as it were! maybe one day or even an afternoon a week at a holiday club with other children will A) give you both a break (b) give him a little structure like at shool but with no work (yay) and (c) give you both something to talk about when he gets home thus giving you some time together just you two!
it's really worked for several children that i look after..especially one little girl who has Aspergers! she wasn't at school at first cause they could'nt cope but we let her come to us once a week after school hurs and she's really come on!